


Redefining Bravery

by QueenoftheNile



Series: College Collision Course [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mullette (background), Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:44:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 44,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6828181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenoftheNile/pseuds/QueenoftheNile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has to try to be honest with himself, and damn if that isn't the hardest thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can't get my head around you.

**Author's Note:**

> Ayyy there lovely people! Check these small children and their innocence?

John Laurens’ day started off normal enough; when he woke up, his roommate had already disappeared, most likely to the library, and he didn't have any classes for another hour, so he had a lot of time to think.

 

Naturally, his mind consistently returned to the empty bed across the room from him, though he reprimanded himself harshly.

 

Alexander was almost always gone in the morning, and his made bed suggested he hadn't been in it all night (Alexander never made his bed; John usually did it during the day, if only to gauge whether his friend had slept).

 

John pulled out his laptop and started writing up an outline for his English paper.

 

His eyes betrayed him though, when he found them, once again, wandering to the rarely used resting place of Alexander Hamilton. 

 

He cursed under his breath, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it.

 

After a few minutes of staring at his computer fruitlessly, he gave up, closing the laptop and pushing it back on the desk.

 

He decided, since it was to haunt him regardless, he may as well shoot his friend a text.

 

**To: Damnilton     8:58am**

**where u at**

 

He plopped onto his own bunk, pulling out a sketch pad and beginning to drabble.

 

About a half hour later he has recreated the view from the bunk where he lay, and still no text from his dear friend.

 

With a sigh, he decided to take the rest of the time he had before first period to scavenge for food, if only to occupy himself.

  
  
  


Alexander, to no one's surprise, was indeed in the library. He wasn't necessarily doing ‘homework’, by strict definition, more of an extra credit type thing.

 

His homework for the day was mostly completed, save for a math sheet he most certainly intended to put off until the very last minute.

 

No, what he was doing now was political. ‘Blog’ is technically what it would’ve been called, but Alexander didn’t think the title deserving of his masterful eloquence with words.

 

Either way, he was vaguely aware of his phone going off near him, as he typed furiously away.  _ One more minute, _ he thought,  _ I’ll answer it after this paragraph. _

 

He was ripped from his engrossment, however, by the reminder on his phone for class.  _ Shit. _ That meant it was already one. That meant he had been here all night, and, worse than that, into his first class.

 

He glanced at his phone, seeing the text was from John, from  _ nine. _ But his phone hadn’t gone off that long ago…

 

With a shake of his head, he logged off the computer in the library, collecting his things before he headed to his class.

 

He had this class with his roommate, and that was something he looked forward to. Then again, he always looked forward to time with John.  _ God, that’s sappy.  _ He thought, annoyed.

 

Even a professional sleep deprived college student like Alexander had to admit two all nighters in a row without caffeine was tough. As he left the library, he pulled out a monster and cracked it open, chugging the whole can on his walk to class.

 

When he was finishing it off, tossing out the can in the garbage outside the classroom, he met John’s gaze, and he didn’t look happy.

 

He eyed his friend with a concerned expression.  _ Oh boy, here we go… _ Alexander thought.

 

Alexander always looked sleep deprived, overcaffeinated, and generally unhealthy, but  _ damn. _

 

When John caught sight of his friend outside class, tossing out a monster can, his messy hair not even attempted to be contained, dark rings deep under his sunken eyes, he couldn’t keep the worried furrow from his brow.

 

“You, my friend, look like  _ shit. _ ” John remarked, taking in his disheveled clothing alongside his half asleep expression.

 

“Wow, thanks so much.” Alexander snarked back, giving John a smirk.

 

John shook his head, clapping his friend on the back as the two entered the class.

 

Staying awake in class, even despite his energy drink, was difficult. Lee was blabbering on about one thing or another, and Alexander elected to turn his attention to the man sitting in front of him, one row over.

 

John and Alexander had been roommates for the semester, but they had been friends since middle school.

 

When they reached eighth grade, however, Alexander had started seeing John a little differently.

 

He had come out as bisexual freshman year of highschool, and John had never really commented on it. Of course, it was a relief he didn’t treat it like a big deal or anything, though Alexander had hoped he would have had  _ some _ reaction, positive that is.

 

Of course, if John  _ was _ interested in men, he’d never told Alexander. 

 

He wouldn’t be able to openly come out of the closet, even if he wanted to, for fear of his father retracting his college tuition.

 

Not that Alexander thought he  _ was _ gay, or bi or anything, just that if he was, no one would know. Not to say that Alexander had thought about it a lot (read: he  _ totally _ thought about it all the time), but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t wish it were less complicated.

 

“Hamilton?” The student was snapped from his thoughts by Professor Lee saying his name.  _ Shit. _

 

“Hmm?” He heard a snicker from the back of the class, and cursed himself for being lost in thought.

 

Lee gave a sigh. “Can you recap what we were talking about, Hamilton?”

 

Alexander scanned the board behind Lee, hoping for some sort of clue there, but his luck was short. After a long tense pause, he shook his head, lowering his gaze.

 

John looked at him sympathetically from his seat, but Lee pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright, since you’re so deep in thought, you can write me a six page essay on the Revolutionary War.”

 

He heard an, “Oooooh shit.” From the back row, definitively Thomas Jefferson’s voice.

 

Alexander had to fight down a laugh.  _ Six pages? I can do that in my sleep. _ But he kept his mouth shut, nodding instead, trying to look humbled.

 

After class, John put a hand on Alexander’s shoulder, sending the shorter man’s stomach into somersaults.

 

“Where are you going? It’s lunch.” John knew exactly where Alexander was going; he was going to the library, intending on skipping lunch again, but he wasn’t having it; as far as he knew, his friend hadn’t eaten since yesterday.

 

And he was right, Alexander’s stomach growled in protest, but he glanced in the direction of the library. He opened his mouth to protest, but John retracted his arm from Alexander’s shoulder, crossing them as he gave the shorter man a look.

 

Alex immediately missed the contact, but before he knew it John was dragging him along toward the cafeteria, without his protest.

 

When they reached the cafeteria, the two began getting their food, but Alexander was having trouble focussing with John’s hand in his, holding tightly as if at any second Alexander would bolt.

 

They moved to sit at their booth, and John remembered the hand and tried desperately to fight he blush rising in his cheeks.

 

Once again disappointed by the loss of contact, Alex barely managed a tired greeting to Gilbert and Herc, as he sat down.

 

Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan were John and Alexander’s other best friends, the pairs had met each other freshman year, around the same time Alexander had come out.

 

“Earth to Hamilton?” Herc teased, drawing his attention back to the present again. 

 

He lazily lifted his head, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to not look so small. “What?” It came out sharper than he meant it, but he was tired, and he was getting grouchy.

 

Herc frowned at his tone, but just shook his head, and he gestured to John, who had been trying to get Alexander’s attention for a minute straight.

 

John looked concerned, but just watched Alexander for a moment, taking in his drooping eyelids, bags that seemed to be growing by the minute beneath his eyes, and the way his mouth was contorted with slight annoyance.

 

That part took him some extra time to take it, since his tired eyes didn’t  match at all, so he found himself lingering on the way his lips formed the shape, his full, soft looking lips…

 

Alex was looking right at John who seemed to be fixated on… No way. As quickly as the moment happened John’s gaze snapped up, meeting Alexander’s eyes and - was he  _ blushing _ ? 

 

“Did you ever make it back to the dorm last night?” John decided to shift the subject, fighting the warmth that threatened to envelop his face.

 

Alex seemed confused by the question for a moment, before shaking his head. “Yeah, no, I totally... I just, you know…” He continued mumbling, becoming too quiet to understand, as he reached down to his bag, sitting on the floor at his feet, and pulling out another monster.

 

John shook his head. “That was  _ not _ Alexander Hamilton level phraseology.” John accused. 

 

Alex shot him a look, as he opened the green and black can.

 

John sighed again (he seemed to do that a lot with Alexander), and shook his head.

 

Hercules, who had been intently watching the conversation, scoffed. “Do you ever sleep?” 

 

Alex turned his glare on Hercules, who raised his hands innocently. “Just a question.”

 

Gilbert placed a defensive hand on Herc’s shoulder, “We are worried,  _ mon ami. _ ” 

 

Now it was Alexander’s turn to scoff. “What are you, my parents?” He grumbled, affirming by tilting the monster can back.

 

“Oh jeez,” John muttered as Alex, without taking a breath, finished off the whole can.

 

When he was finished, he looked around, daring anyone to answer his question.

 

John just looked at him, trying not to notice how he licked the last drops of monster off of his lips, or the way his messy hair bounced when he tilted his head straight, or that challenging look he gave and  _ god _ was he in trouble.

 

As Alex looked around, he saw Hercules was just watching him, no suprize on his face at all, and Gilbert was shaking his head, a look of distaste, and John… 

  
When Alex met his gaze, John quickly looked away again, training his eyes instead on the table


	2. Said, I'm John Laurens in the place to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some dynamic setting up, Alexander getting some sleep like a healthy person :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, disclaimer, I don't have a beta right now. I went over it but I don't know if I might have missed stuff?? If I did, please don't refrain from telling me.
> 
> Also, if you're interested in betaing for me, that'd be AWESOME, comment on here OR find me on Tumblr, @new-kind-of-stupid

That night, to Johns relief, Alex slipped into the dorm around midnight, careful not to make too much sound, in the hope of not waking John.

 

He didn’t know John was still awake though, until the other student locked his phone and propped himself up on one arm. “Hey.” He greeted his friend, who nearly jumped out of his skin in the dark room.

 

“You’re still up?” He tried to sound upbeat, but exhaustion was apparent in his voice.

 

John studied him (as well he could in the dark of the room), before moving to sit on the edge of the bed. “Yeah…” He said, after a minute.

 

Alexander just nodded as he carefully picked his way across the room, his eyes still trying to adjust to the dark of the room in contrast to the well-lit hallways, before sitting on the edge of his own bed.

 

When Alex looked up, John was still watching him, and his heart skipped a beat. He could only barely see his silhouette in the dark room, so John could very well just be looking in his direction, but his skin tingled regardless.

 

After a moment, he realized he’d been staring and turned his head.

 

John noted Alexander looking away and quickly dropped his own gaze to the floor, glad it was too dark for Alex to see the red that was undoubtedly accompanying the burning in his cheeks. “You should get some sleep,” John prompted, breaking the silence that was quickly growing awkward.

 

Alexander, to John’s surprise, nodded in agreement, before laying down.

 

His head was reeling, and he doubted sleep would truly bless him, but he could hear the concern in his friend’s voice, and was glad to be able to relieve it as best he could.

 

John let out a breath, feeling a light weight was lifted from his shoulders, before turning to sleep himself.

 

Alexander, to his own surprise, actually did fall asleep relatively quickly.

  
  


The next day, when John awoke, Alexander was nowhere to be seen. Again, John wasn’t surprised. He was fairly certain he had been here into the morning, and his covers were mussed up, just as they should be.

 

John moved to tuck them in and smooth them, after his own, before heading to take a shower before class.

  
  


The guy had class relatively early on Tuesday, starting at seven, though this being his earliest class of the week he was grateful for.

 

He finished his shower and it was still only six forty, so he had enough time for a quick breakfast before class.

  
  
  
  


Alexander had gone to the library, naturally, after waking at six (six amazing hour of sleep that he was grateful for), and being unable to find sleep again.

 

He had even had a quick breakfast himself, and was feeling rather responsible. That didn’t stop him from trash-talking one Thomas Jefferson for the next hour in a twenty-five page anonymous blog entry.

 

When he was satisfied with the final version, double checking by reading it over twice, he uploaded it and clicked off the computer in the library.

 

A quick glance at the analog clock mounted on the library wall told him it was only seven though, and he decided to shoot off a text to Gilbert in case he was in the same boat, though this was doubtful.

 

**To: Fightin’ Frenchman    7:03**

**Hey. I woke up too early. I spent some time at the library, but now I’m bored, and if I go back to the dorm, which I did seriously consider, I might wake up John, because he might still be asleep, so do you wanna hang until class?**

 

He didn’t receive an answer immediately, so he started scrolling through twitter, responding to about three (ignorant) tweets from Jefferson, head of student council, while he waited.

 

It wasn’t too long before his phone buzzed and a notification popped up.

 

**From: Fightin’ Frenchman    7:12**

**Eeaaaahh, i just woke up boi its 7 in the morning. go back 2 slp.**

 

Alex made a face, but decided it best to let his friend sleep, heading instead to a small coffee shop they had on campus to get a double shot of espresso.

  
  
  
  


After class, John decided to go ahead and text Alex.

 

**To: Damnilton    9:02am**

**Hey, did u sleep well last night u prick**

 

Alex was considering whether or not to head back to the dorm when his phone buzzed in his pocket again.

 

He smiled down at the endearing insult, before realizing how ridiculous that was.

 

**To: Roarens     9:04am**

**I actually did, though I appreciate your concern, dear Laurens.**

 

That wasn’t weird at all. Totally a friendly thing to say.

 

When John received the text, he couldn't help a smile himself. He was typing a response when he almost collided with someone else (who also had eyes glued to the screen of her phone), making quick strides toward her destination.

 

When he stopped abruptly, just short of ramming into her, he managed to drop his phone to the tile floor, the back popping off and the battery spilling out.

 

“Oh shit!” She muttered in front of him. “I'm so sorry-” she met his eyes and he could almost see pieces fitting together in her head. “You're the roommate, right?” 

 

He was taken aback by the question, but just frowned as he bent to pick up his phone. “I'm sorry do I know you?” Now that he looked at her she did look terribly familiar, those dark eyes, and something about the way the edges of her lips curled upward in a polite smile. 

 

“Elizabeth Schuyler, and you're Alexander's roommate, right? The middle school bestie?” She phrased it as a question, though she already knew the answer; Alexander had described John to her a million times - in excruciating detail - and she recognized him without a doubt.

 

John just nodded uncertainly - did that mean Alex talked about him? - and reached out a hand. “John Laurens, uh, certified ‘middle school bestie’, as it were.” He joked, as Eliza took his hand.

 

That's when it clicked into place in his head - he  _ did _ know this girl. 

 

Alexander, in his high school years, had been off and on with a few people, but the only relationship that seemed to hit him really hard when he ended it, was his with Eliza - they'd dated for two years, the better half of high school - but Alexander and Eliza wanted different things out of the relationship.

 

He clicked the back of his phone back into place, turning it back on just as she spoke up again.

  
“Well I've got to get to class, I'm already late, but it was nice meeting you John.” She gave him that knowing smirk again - a trademark Schuyler look - before disappearing down the hallway.


	3. Who's Texting Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I guess not a lot happens in this chapter?? Again?? Sorry but all this fluff is here to make up for the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I don't have a beta, soo I read through it but I don't know.  
> Also I apologize for the lack of Herc in this fic like hes nor there at all?? There should be more soon get some Gilbert in person too

John stood there a moment longer, before remembering Alexander and returning to his phone.

 

**To: Damnilton     9:15am**

**So u will never guess who i just ran in2**

 

When Alexander’s phone buzzed again, he’d almost forgotten John in his heated (fairly passive aggressive) call-out toward one Aaron Burr on twitter, as he abused the coffee shops free wifi.

 

When he did open the text, his stomach did a flop. Most people John could have run into couldn’t have left his friend with a positive review of Alexander.

 

**To: Roarens     9:18am**

**Who would that be?**

 

He decided to stay simple.

 

When John’s phone went off he was walking back toward the dorm, but pulled out his phone and continued walking carefully. 

 

**To: Damnilton    9:20am**

**Eliza Skylar**

 

Alex was relieved to hear it had been a Schuyler (even if John had spelled it atrociously), in place of someone else. The Schuyler’s tended to have a rather positive stance on Alexander, for whatever reason.

 

**To: Roarens    9:21am**

**Really? A Schuyler sister, in the wild? That’s a very dangerous sighting John, I’m surprised you survived the encounter ;)**

 

When John noted the correct spelling of the name (what was  _ that _ about?), he couldn't help but laugh.

 

His stomach also recoiled at the winky face -  _ really?  _ He thought,  _ a winky face is bothering you  _ that _ much? -  _ only because it was Alexander though, it could be absolutely nothing; his roommate  _ was _ quite the flirt. 

 

**To: Damnilton    9:22am**

**Oh yea she was sooooo scary. ur an ass lol**

 

Alex scoffed at the message, now standing from where he was in the coffee shop.

 

**To: Roarens    9:24am**

**How very DARE you, to accuse ME, of ALL PEOPLE, of such a thing as assery, it is simply absurd, I tell you, absolutely INCONCEIVABLE.**

 

John rolled his eyes, now nearing the dorm room, before texting back.

 

**To: Damnilton    9:26am**

**Wtvr, ur an ass. Im back at the room wenvr ur done being an ass @ the library u should come hang w me.**

 

Alexander thought it strange that, for once, he actually  _ wasn't  _ at the library.

 

**To: Roarens     9:27am**

**I would have you know, dear Laurens, at this particular time I don't find myself where you accuse.**

 

John, once again, scoffed at the eloquence Alexander seemed to show in the damndest things.

 

**To: Damnilton    9:29am**

**I changed my mind. ur a PRETENTIOUS ass. anyway r u heading back 2 the dorm or nah**

 

Alex smirked to himself, already on his way that direction, and shot back a response. 

 

**To: Roarens    9:31am**

**I'm on my way. See you in a bit (;**

 

And be damned if that didn't make Johns heart skip a beat, the flip-flappin’ thing always trying to give him away.

 

**To: Damnilton    9:33am**

**K see u in a bit u ass**

 

And with that, John plopped down on his bed.

 

Alex smiled down at his phone, his stomach trying to learn to tap dance as he thought about John actually wanting to hang out with him.

 

A small part in the back of his mind told him that John didn't really want to hang out with him, that it was something much more casual than Alex hoped for, but he quieted those thoughts before entering the dorm.

 

“Hey, you pretentious ass.” John greeted him, a smug look on his face.

 

Alex made his best offended face. “How dare you accuse me,  _ me,  _ of being pretentious? Bite your sharp little tongue.” 

 

Johns heart thudded in his ears hearing Alex talk about his tongue and  _ God, _ did he wish it were in different context.

 

Instead he shrugged, rolling off the bed. “I'm just saying. You  _ are  _ a pretentious ass.” 

 

Alex started to object, then mirrored Johns shrug. “Guess I can't argue with facts.”

 

That earned a laugh from John that sent Alexander's heart all the way to Venus and back as he moved to sit at his desk across from John. 

 

“So, if not the library, where were you?” John asked, genuine curiosity in his voice. 

 

Alex gave him a smug look. “Aww, worried about me?” He teased. 

 

John rolled his eyes.

 

“I was at a coffee shop.” Alexander answered honestly.

 

John nodded, “Naturally. If Alexander Hamilton  _ isn't  _ writing, he  _ must _ be recaffeinating.”

 

Alex screwed up his face. “I don't think that's a word.” He pointed out.

 

John just rolled his eyes,  _ again,  _ as he made his way over to the window, before making a face.

 

Alex frowned. “What’s wrong?” He moved to follow Johns gaze, but John just sighed.

 

“Storm clouds.” John muttered, shaking his head. “We were finally getting some nice weather…” He trailed off absentmindedly, before returning to lay on his bed, pulling his phone out.

 

Alexander watched him for a moment, noting the way his expression changed when he read through different posts and looked at different pictures.

 

After a moment, he decided it better not to stare at him, and moved to lay once more on his own bed.

 

John muttered a swear under his breath and plugged in his phone, returning his gaze to meet his roommates.

 

John noticed that Alexander was already watching him(and  _ fuck _ his stomach did the weirdest thing when he realized that).

 

He studied the other boy, he liked to think he didn’t note how Alexander’s hair fell lazily over his shoulders, or the way his skin looked in the poor lighting, or the way his dark eyes sparkled as he looked over John…

 

Alexander, despite his resolve, didn’t  _ not _ stare at John. He thought of the spattering of freckles over his nose and cheeks, the way his curly hair was tied back, he looked so neat and put together…

 

It was a moment before both boys realised they were just sitting there in silence, and Alexander laughed, breaking his gaze away as he shook his head.

 

Alexander’s own phone buzzed, and he moved to check it.

 

**From: Fightin’ Frenchman    9:42am**

**Wait im awake now. wat did u want**

 

Alexander huffed.

 

**To: Fightin’ Frenchman    9:43am**

**You now have class in less than twenty minutes, though I appreciate you offering, even if it is a bit belated.**

 

John couldn’t help a twinge in his gut when Alexander began texting, but so opted for curiosity.

 

“Who’re you talking to?” He propped his head up on his hands.

 

Alex turned back to John, a slight smirk. “Why? Jealous?” He asked.

 

“Pshh, whatever. Don’t tell me then.”

 

Alexander just laughed. “Gilbert.” He conceded.

 

As if on cue, his phone went off again. 

 

**From: Fightin’ Frenchman    9:45am**

**i see ur point. r u w/john rn**

 

Alexander certainly thought that was a strange question, but then again, Gilbert said a lot of strange things.

 

**To: Fightin’ Frenchman    9:46am**

**Yes, in fact, I am, why do you ask?**

 

“What are you guys talking about?” John asked.

 

“Wow, nosy much?” Alexander shot back.

 

John crossed his arms, moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Your mom.” His phone buzzed again.

 

**From: Fightin’ Frenchman    9:47am**

**idk. maybe just cuz ud rather b in his pants aha**

 

John noticed that when Alexander looked down at the text, his mouth opened in an offended face. “What did he say this time?” John wasn’t sure why, but he really did want to know what they were talking about.

 

Alex lifted one finger to John, silencing him to text Gilbert back.

 

**To: Fightin’ Frenchman     9:49am**

**I reproach you for that assumption, sir, and where would you even get that idea from? Why would /that/ be something you would think I would even think of? In fact, I’d go as far as to say the idea hasn’t crossed my mind, and you know me, that’s actually pretty impressive.**

 

He looked back to John who, despite the joking tone, looked particularly interested in Alexander’s phone.

 

Alex couldn’t help the smirk that crept across his face. “What? Why are you so interested?” 

 

John shrugged, trying to feign nonchalance as best he could, and failing misearably. “Whatever, I  _ don’t _ care - it’s - whatever, you know. Whatever.” 

 

The very fact that he scanned Alexander’s response to see if he bought it proved Alex’s suspicions that he was lying. He  _ was _ invested in the messages, though for what reason, Alexander couldn’t conceive.

 

The weird part was that John didn’t know either, he just was suddenly very interested in what they were talking about. What if they were talking about him? What could they even be saying if they were? Could they be making fun of him?

 

Alexander’s phone buzzed again, and he moved his skeptical gaze from John to his phone. 

 

**From: Fightin’ Frenchman     9:51**

**wtvr u say. evbdy alredy knows ur crushing on him tho. its not a secret**

 

Blood roared in Alexander’s ears. He was suddenly glad he’d refrained from telling John what they were talking about though.  _ You know, just my undying crush on you that’s apparently super obvious. Not that you could ever in a million years feel the same way, you know, straight as a board that one, and not to think that I haven't hoped and dreamed and looked for the signs... _

 

“Alexander?” Alex had been staring into space with this deer-in-the-headlights look since he’d gotten the last text, and it was starting to freak John out.

 

“Hmm?” Alexander, totally oblivious to his own absent mindedness, met John’s gaze blankly.

 

He shook his head. “Sorry - that was probably weird. Gilbert - he just made a stupid joke. It was  _ so _ ridiculous I had to mull it over a couple times, trying to figure out why we’re friends with him.” He’d meant it lighthearted, but John was just watching him uncertainly, and under his gaze, Alex faltered.

 

**To: Fightin’ Frenchman     9:54**

**You know what, you’re crazy, and I’m not listening to you. See you at class, lol bye.**

 

With that, Alexander clicked off his phone, setting it on his nightstand, before turning back to John.

 

He glanced at the analog clock on the wall, making a face.

 

John raised an eyebrow, and Alex gestured lazily toward the clock. “I have class in five minutes.”

 

John tsked at him, “You should’ve been getting ready like, five minutes ago.” 

 

But Alex just waved it off, moving to open the drawer of his nightstand and pulling out - surprise - another monster. 

 

John laughed. “You’re gonna end up in the hospital, you keep abusing caffeine like that. Alex responded the only logical way; he stuck out his tongue, before continuing to guzzle the toxic liquid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOT WOOT 
> 
> Interested in being my beta? Hit me up! Comment on here or bother me on tumblr! @new-kind-of-stupid
> 
> Even if you don't wanna beta, feel free to find me on tumblr! I'm good at talking, and I'll talk about anything from Hamilton to Percy Jackson likr come at me bro!


	4. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has a bad day, but nothing he can't handle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I quickly went from no betas foe this story to two soo thank you guys! Check out my betas on Tumblr @gay-ships-are-yay-ships-phan and @keekee1066world !

The day was long for Alexander. He was tired. It must have shown too, because between John, Herc, and Gilbert he managed to have someone almost constantly casting him worried looks. It was even more exhausting.

 

By the time he got to lunch, he didn’t really feel like spending time with the three. They were his best friends, but they worried too much, and he didn’t feel like dealing with that.

 

So instead, he ducked out to go to the library over lunch, where he found a million things to busy himself with.

 

He started reading a really enveloping book about Renee DesCartes, and his philosophy. 

 

He hadn’t been aware of the passing time until his phone buzzed. He considered ignoring it - he really liked the book he was reading - but decided against it.

 

**From: Roarens     6:46pm**

**We missed u at lunch. Where u at**

 

Alexander considered not answering - John wouldn’t be offended; he often ignored texts - but decided better of it.

 

With a sigh he started typing a response.

 

**To: Roarens     6:49pm**

**I’m at the library, why do you ask?**

 

John had been at the dorm all day - neither he nor Alexander had any classes after lunch on Tuesdays, so he’d waited around, bored, waiting for Alex to show up after he had ditched lunch.

 

It wasn’t that strange for Alex to disappear for amounts of time, whether he be holed up in the library or doing extra credit work, he was generally reclusive. 

 

When he received the text though, he couldn’t deny the feeling of relief that flooded over him, as if releasing a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

 

**To: Damnilton     6:50pm**

**Have u been there all day?**

 

He wanted to say more, though exactly what, he wasn’t sure.

 

Alexander didn’t really feel like explaining himself, he knew John was going to worry whether he answered honestly or not, so he decided to avoid the trouble.

 

**To: Roarens    6:51pm**

**Yes, I totally skipped all my classes and just went to the library. ;)**

 

John was torn between being annoyed by the sarcastic comment, the way Alexander so liberally used winky faces, as if they didn’t send John’s stomach into a frenzy.

 

**To: Damnilton    6:53pm**

**Ur an ass. I hope u kno that.**

 

Alexander couldn’t help but wonder if John had even given a second though to the winky face.

 

He glanced nervously at the storm clouds still gathering in the sky, seeming to taunt him with the promise of storms. Alexander shuddered. He didn’t like storms.

 

**To: Roarens     6:54pm**

**Takes one to know one, my dear Laurens.**

 

Though he wasn’t quite sure if that idiom applied to the current subject, he thought of the way John’s eyebrows furrowed and he huffed when people teased him.

 

He decided he  _ should _ try to eat something; someone was bound to ask him at some point - probably John, but possibly Gilbert of Hercules - and he’d like to make a smug retort.

 

Closing the book, he went up to check it out before he would head to a small sandwich shop on near the campus.

 

His phone buzzed as he was standing in line to checkout the book. 

 

**From: Roarens     6:58pm**

**Wtvr. When do u plan on takin a break from that readin r wtvr it is u do**

 

Alex smirked to himself.

 

**To: Roarens    6:59pm**

**Actually, I’m going to the sandwich shop on Clemont street. You want anything?**

 

John was a bit surprised to receive that text, but he was glad.

 

**To: Damnilton    7:01pm**

**Nah im good. Thx tho.**

 

Alex shrugged, continuing out of the library.

 

When he stepped outside though, his stomach dropped to his toes.

 

The sun was almost completely extinguished by dark storm clouds, the city seeming to hold its breath in anticipation of the coming storm.

 

He felt his heart rate pick up.  _ It’s just clouds, _ He told himself,  _ just pockets of moisture in the troposphere. _

 

He still sent a silent prayer up that it wouldn’t start raining while he was out.

 

Less than half a block to walk, but if it started raining…

 

He decided to press on, hopefully he wouldn’t have to worry about that.

  
  


He barely avoided it though; by the time he reached the dorm building, scattered droplets were falling here and there, and thunder rolled in the distance, chilling Alexander to the bone.

 

When he arrived back at his dorm, John was sitting at his desk, typing furiously on his laptop.

 

“This seems backwards.” Alexander joked, but John barely looked up at him, and when he did, he looked anything but amused.

 

There was a mix of emotions - anger, hurt, frustration - and Alexander didn’t know how to react.

 

“What’re you writing?” He opted for instead, putting his sandwich in the fridge for later, seeing as he’d lost his appetite to the storm.

 

John shook his head. “Blog.”

 

Alex would’ve never figured his friend the type to write a blog.

 

“Personal or political?” He lay on his bed, propping his head up on his hands.

 

“Political.” He sighed. “Fucking Jefferson...” The clacking of the keys stopped as he uploaded the post.

 

That explained it. Alexander made an audible retching sound. “He’s an ass. What’d he do this time?”

 

John shook his head. “He’s just being an  _ idiot _ . It’s not anything important.” He closed the laptop.

 

The fiery anger had disappeared from John’s eyes, he looked more tired now than anything.

 

Alex couldn’t help smirk at the look.

 

“What?” John asked defensively, as he moved to sit on his own bed across from Alexander, who adjusted to face him.

 

Alexander shook his head. “It’s just funny; I get back and  _ you’re _ typing away, and when you finish, you look all tired and stuff.”

 

John rolled his eyes. “Okay, you’re ridiculous.” He decided.

 

Alexander narrowed his eyes. “You’re just realizing this?” He couldn’t help the smirk that crept across his face though.

 

John threw a pillow at him, hoping to wipe off that smug look, but Alex only looked offended a moment before his grin grew wider.

 

“You think you’ve won my friend, but see now I have  _ two _ pillows, and you don’t have any.” He wrapped his arms around the pillow and propped his head up again.

 

John just made a face, before lunging over to grab the pillow back. 

 

Alexander had a surprisingly tight grip on the pillow, wrapping his entire arms around it, so John opted instead to take Alexander’s pillow, which was unguarded.

 

He reached past him in one smooth movement, too fast for Alex to figure out what he was doing, and grabbed the pillow before rolling back onto his own bed, sticking his tongue out at Alex for good measure.

 

The pillow smelled like Alex - like his cologne mixed with coffee beans - and John tried not to be completely enveloped in that.

 

Just then thunder rolled outside, and John didn’t miss Alexander visibly flinching.

 

Alexander had been too engrossed in his interaction with John to notice it had begun pouring outside.

 

“Startled?” John teased.

 

For a moment, it looked like Alex wasn’t going to respond, he glanced warily at the window, but he turned back to John and made a face. 

 

“Yeah, that was loud.” He defended, hoping John couldn’t see past his cover.

 

Pillow forgotten, he stood. “I’m gonna take a shower, have fun fighting with Jefferson on your blog.” He moved to grab some sweatpants and a t-shirt from his dresser, before quickly pacing to the bathroom.

 

John thought it a tad strange the way he had rushed off; his entire body language had changed when the storm picked up, all the easy fun dissipating.

 

Alexander clicked the lock on the bathroom door and fought down the panic that welled in his chest.

 

He heard thunder clap again, and sunk to the floor.

 

He ran the shower, hoping to drown the sound as best he could.

 

When he stepped in, the water was cold and anchoring. The consistent drum of the high-pressure droplets on the marble floor was soothing, but he couldn’t help his picking up heartbeat.

 

He chewed his lip, and heard thunder roll loudly, curling into a ball. 

 

This was stupid. He closed his eyes,  exercising his breathing.

 

Storms had to do this. His thoughts jumbled. He thought of his mother, of the horrible bloating bodies…

 

He shuddered, trying to push those thoughts away, but the images pressed invasively into his mind.

 

Instead he opened his eyes, focussing on the wall of the shower. Suddenly the water didn’t seem grounding. He thought about the rain that had berated him mercilessly, flooding the streets, he thought about the wind which forced trees and street signs to lean this way and that, the wind that had tried to knock him down.

 

And he wanted to let it, to fall face down in the water and just drown, as so many had before him, but he couldn’t bring himself to; he had too great an instinct for self-preservation.

 

The storm rumbled and pounded outside, and Alexander steeled himself; he wasn’t there anymore. He was in America. In college. He was in a dorm room, inside a brick building. 

 

And this wasn’t a hurricane, it was a rainstorm, something that would pass with minimal damage.

 

He started counting his breathing again,  _ in, two three four five six, hold, two three four, out, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, hold, deux, trois, quatre. _

 

He did that a couple, time, forcing his erratic heartbeat to a manageable pace. He could still hear the rumble of thunder outside, as he busied himself with actually showering, and continued to count his breaths.

  
  
  


John was worried when the clock reached eight, a good forty minutes since he’d left, and the water in the bathroom was still running. 

 

That, paired with Alexander’s strange behaviour right before, gave John a strange feeling. Something wasn’t sitting right, exactly what it was though, John wasn’t sure.

 

After a while, he couldn’t just sit here anymore; he was getting antsy. He decided to text Gilbert.

 

**To: Baguette    8:33pm**

**Hey.**

 

He just wanted something to do, so he wasn’t sitting here.

 

**From: Baguette    8:35pm**

**hi**

 

**From: Baguette   8:35pm**

**sup**

 

John wasn’t sure how exactly he’d intended to strike up a conversation, he just didn’t want to sit here by himself, feeling claustrophobic and antsy and lonely.

 

**To: Baguette   8:37pm**

**is there something about like, taking showers for a long time**

 

**To: Baguette    8:37pm**

**is that like an anxiety thing**

 

He figured it was a stupid question, but if anyone would know, it would be Gilbert.

 

**From: Baguette    8:38pm**

**i dont kno ??? why do u ask**

 

John realized how stupid this was; maybe he was just enjoying the shower, and wasn’t paying attention to the time. Still…

 

**To: Baguette    8:40pm**

**idk just like if someone who usually takes rly fast showers takes a rly long shower should i be worried**

 

He twitched nervously as he waited for a response. An hour wasn’t a  _ really _ long time he guessed, but something just felt  _ off _ ; Alexander usually showered in under ten minutes, he was always in and out, like everything he did; he didn’t like wasting any time.

 

**From: Baguette    8:44pm**

**… r we talking abt alex**

 

John wished he hadn’t asked that question.

 

**From: Baguette   8:45pm**

**bc unlike u im not super interested in his shower habits ;))))))**

 

John rolled his eyes. 

 

**To: Baguette    8:47pm**

**wtf ever it’s not like that**

 

Despite his words, he knew it was very much like that, no matter how much he stomped on those feelings and tried to ignore them, or push them away from him, they always managed to come back when Alexander smiled, or laughed, or went on one of his rambles, or looked at him, or  _ existed _ …

 

Another text from Gilbert jarred him from his thoughts.

 

**From: Baguette    8:49pm**

**not like what??? what r u saying**

 

John narrowed his eyes at the text; the frenchman obviously knew what he was talking about, he was just being a dick.

 

**To: Baguette    8:51pm**

**shut it with ur implications u asshole.**

 

He huffed indignantly, readjusting to get comfortable on his bed.

 

**From: Baguette    8:53pm**

**i have no idea what ur talking abt. unless ur talking about how u want to b in the shower w/alex. cuz ur not fooling anyone with that ‘straight’ stuff boi**

 

John was finding himself short of breath. He glanced around, even though he knew he was alone, he still feared for someone seeing this conversation.

 

**To: Baguette   8:55pm**

**ok i dont know how we got this far off track. im just worried is all.**

 

He defended himself.

 

**From: Baguette   8:57pm**

**ur worried? that hes been in the shower too long? wtf thats weird.**

 

John knew it too. That was why he didn’t want it to look like a specific case, but apparently he wasn’t the best with subtlety.

 

**To: Baguette    8:59pm**

**wtf i literally just asked if that was an anxiety thing calm ur tits.**

 

He wished he hadn’t said anything; of course it was weird, he worried about weird things.

 

**From: Baguette   9:01pm**

**ok i was joking.**

 

**From: Baguette   9:02pm**

**wait do you like time his showers how long has he been in the shower that ur actually worrying**

 

John glanced at the time.

 

**To: Baguette   9:04pm**

**almost 2 hrs. idk like usually its like 10 mins tops.**

 

He waited for Gilbert to tell him it was strange that he even noticed that, or that he had noticed now that he’d been in there for two hours, or even that that wasn’t that weird.

  
  
  


Alex was starting to feel better. The crash of the thunder had subsided, and the rain had died to a drizzle - not even remotely hurricane-like - so he chanced turning off the water.

  
  
  


John’s phone buzzed again.

 

**From: Baguette   9:09pm**

**yea ok thats weird… do u want me 2 come over?**

 

Just when he was reading the text, the water shut off in the bathroom.

 

**To: Baguette    9:11pm**

**no hes getting out. hold on.**

 

John waited expectantly, trying to distract himself with social media so he wasn’t just staring at the door when Alexander came out; that would be weird.

  
  
  


Alexander braced against the sound of the storm that seemed to solidify into real life outside the windows when he shut off the water.

 

He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He looked himself over in the mirror; the water and the time spent had erased almost all traces of the tears that had forced themselves out despite his strongest wishes.

 

He took a minute longer than he needed to, just to ensure there were no traces John could pick up on.

  
  
  


The suspense of waiting for his roommate to exit the bathroom was absolutely  _ killing _ John.

 

**To: Baguette   9:17pm**

**he shut off the water bt hes taking a long time.**

  
  
  


Alex dressed in his night clothes, before moving to the mirror for one last long look, to assure any imprint at all of hist episode was gone, and to repress his flinching from the storm enough that he could hide it.

  
  
  


John’s phone buzzed.

 

**From: Baguette    9:19pm**

**o my god, ur hopeless.**

 

He rolled his eyes, about to respond, when the lock clicked and Alexander stepped out.

 

“Hey.” Was all he offered, a casual smile pulled tight across his lips.

 

He grabbed John’s pillow, which was still on his bed, seeming to forget that it wasn’t his own, as he lay down.

 

“Who’re you texting?” Alexander hoped he could take the attention off himself.

 

John hesitated, trying to hide his disbelief by turning his gaze from Alexander back to his phone. “Gilbert.” He blinked hard, hiding the frown that threatened to show through.

 

Alexander’s heart was racing, but not because of the storm, because John seemed to confused - he had to know something.

 

“Well, I’m gonna crash. Night.”

 

That was another thing that seemed off; Alexander would normally have pressed John until he told him about the conversation.

 

Instead, he rolled over, turning his back to John and curling up under his blanket.

 

**To: Baguette     9:21pm**

**ok he came out bt hes acting kinda weird. like he asked who i was txting n then he didnt press what abt. also he acted like it wasnt weird that he just showered for 2hrs.**

  
  
  


Alexander was freaking out. Had he been in the shower a long time? What time was it? What time had it been when he’d gotten  _ in  _ the shower?

 

Thunder rolled again.  _ Fuck _ . He did his breathing exercise again.

  
  
  


**From: Baguette    9:23pm**

**john, i hav a secret 4 u. he prbly just like fell asleep in the shwr or smth. if hes not acting that weird, its not that weird.**

 

John wasn’t satisfied with that answer, but decided to let Gilbert think he won.

 

**To: Baguette    9:25pm**

**ur probably right. wtvr. gn**

 

He stretched out, burying his face in Alexander’s pillow.

 

**From: Baguette   9:26pm**

**< 3 gn**

 

He turned so he was facing his roommate’s back, letting himself get lost in thought. Before he knew it, he was drifting off.

  
  
  


Alexander didn’t get so lucky.

 

His head milled about with the events of the day.

 

He lay there quite a while, before he decided he couldn’t stay put any longer. 

 

He looked over his shoulder at John, who was sound asleep from the looks of it, before pulling out his phone and beginning to type.

 

**To: Roarens    10:12pm**

**Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall tell you that your hold on my heart becomes greater with each passing day, for I did not know the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind, and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness free from the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled into me.**

 

He looked over the text and, with a heavy sigh, saved it to his drafts alongside dozens of others; he couldn’t quite bring himself to delete it, but to send it would be unthinkable.

 

With a sigh, he pulled out a notebook and started scribbling similar ideals, eloquently crafted professions. Too often he found himself returning to one simple thing though; John was straight. Probably. If he wasn’t he wouldn’t be able to come out, at least not publicly, because of his dad.

 

_ Dearest John, _

_ I know it is unfair of me to place you in such a situation as to feel any obligation toward me, or to think of you as more than a friend, for that you are my dearest, and I wish deeply that was all I saw you as. I fear I have allowed myself to come to think of you as more though. I’ve grown to hold you in a regard that would be frightful to call ‘friendship’, though don’t think I don’t greatly value our friendship, for I would have you know I most certainly do, I only mean that I wish I would be allowed to demonstrate that I see you as more. It hurts me greatly to see you live in fear of who you are, of a part of yourself, because your family sees it one way. Nevermind that though. What I mean to say, my dear Laurens, is that I do, truly and wholly, love you. _

 

He glared at the paper, before flipping the notebook to a new page.

 

_ Dear Laurens, _

_ I wish to prove to you that I hold you in the deepest part of my heart, that my love for you is beyond a point even I could express through words. It wounds me to be unable to allow you to understand how firmly entrenched in my affections for you I am, for I find myself thinking of you day in and day out, my mind constantly wishing for the sweet release of your touch. Your smile lights my path through even the darkest of times, and I would have you know that you are the light of my life, the beacon that allows me to place one foot before the other even in the greatest of pain. My hope, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, my love, my entire life, John, would mean nothing if not for your embrace that you grace me with on rare occasions. The constellations cannot compare to your beauty, the sun shines dull when shown beside you, the most intriguing cases are made boring when compared to your words.  _

 

Alex sighed, closing the notebook.

 

He glanced to John, assuring he hadn’t woken the other man, before carefully and silently opening his laptop.

  
He did have an english paper due Friday, and despite it being not even midnight Tuesday, he still felt he had been putting it off too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make my day! If you wanna hit me up on tumblr HAVE NO FEAR I'm a huge nerd and u should not be intimidated (@that-no-name-kid)


	5. Running Out Of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is having some trouble! What if John finds him out? How will his roommate react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo I know it's been a million years since I've uploaded, I just had a lot of shit going on with DevCon and then ComicCon but it was super fun! It just distracted me from writing a tad ^^'

When John awoke, Alex was typing away at his laptop, a monster can cracked open beside him.

 

“How do you even afford all those energy drinks?” John joked, rubbing his eyes.

 

Alexander jumped at the sound of his room mate’s voice.  _ Shit. _ He hadn’t even realized the sun was creeping through their window. “Good morning to you too.” He opted for, meeting John’s gaze without pause in his typing.

 

John faltered when Alexander met his eyes. “Did you get any sleep last night?” He’d meant it to come off casual, but his tone revealed his worry.

 

“Of course,” He put everything into sounding rested. “I woke up about an hour ago.” It wasn’t a complete lie; about an hour ago he’d passed out with his face on his keyboard, and then subsequently woke up.

 

John shook his head. “Okay, when did you fall asleep?” That was a harder question.

 

“I- after my shower.” Also not a complete lie; it was still after his shower.

 

John didn’t see through his bent truth, judging by his relieved expression, as he moved to go through his morning routine.

 

Alexander decided he’d have the sandwich from yesterday for lunch, since he hadn’t eaten it.

 

With a glance in the direction of the bathroom where John had disappeared to, he returned to his work.

 

Alexander only had three real classes Wednesday; he had History at eleven, French right after at noon, and then at four he had Philosophy.

 

John, on the other hand, had five classes, Wednesday being his busiest day.

 

“See you in French…” Alexander muttered after the other student.

 

John had English at seven, Math at eight, Art at ten, then French with Alexander at noon, and History at two.

 

John said a farewell to Alexander that was lost on the preoccupied student as he typed away, allowing himself to be lost in the words.

 

Before he knew it, his piercing alarm cut through the quiet room, letting him know it was ten minutes to class.

 

He was considering trying to finish his paper, but he feared he would not realize the passing time, and may, as often it came, miss the beginning of a class period.

 

Instead, he considered John’s concerns, and decided it best (if only to subdue his friend’s constant worry) to eat something.

 

He made his way to the kitchen, remembering the sandwich from the night before, and wolfed it down easily, only then realizing how hungry he had actually been.

 

He considered that a moment; maybe John’s worry wasn’t consistently in vain. Maybe, just  _ maybe, _ thinking of his best friend’s concern could affect his therein deemed ‘unhealthy’ living habits.

 

He was shaken from these thoughts by the rough crack of thunder in the sky.

 

He glanced apprehensively toward the window; gray stormclouds blocked out the sun almost completely, and despite the lack of actual rain, it was dreary and unsettling to see distant lightning lacing among the dark cumulonimbi.

 

He shuddered harshly, before shaking his head and making his way out of the dorm for class.

 

Through the class, Alexander tried his damndest to ignore the dread creeping into his gut as the clouds threatened to release the water  trapped in the stratosphere.

 

To Alexander it seemed as though the sky held it’s breath, desperately retaining perhaps a chuckle in his direction, mocking him for his irrationality.

 

Alexander prided himself on factuality, on having solid records, receipts, on the off chance he was made to defend his opinions and stances, knowing why he stood where he stood, questioning every decision carefully.

 

This was different though. He couldn’t explain it, he couldn’t defend against accusations surely to be made against him if his secret were to be revealed.

 

He couldn’t provide a logical reason, there were very low risks accompanying storms, very little evidence to show any realistic basis for a deep seeded fear such as held fast to Alexander’s stomach at the first mutterings of thunder from even a distance.

 

He was torn from these self chidings as the students around him started packing up.

 

Alexander knew he should try to clear his head before he had French with John, but his mind worked against him, constantly returning to the looming storm.

 

At least it wasn’t raining. If it were, his pretense of normalcy would completely dissolve as he plummeted into full-blown panic mode.

 

He steadied his breathing as best he could, before heading toward his next class.

  
  
  


John was waiting outside the classroom as he usually did, and Alexander’s heart did that wicked twisty thing when he saw his roommate (he  _ hated _ that thing it did), as he cast a casual wave his direction.

 

John fared only a tad better, his stomach contorting at the sight of Alexander, bedraggled and seemingly exhausted, still managing to light up when he saw John.

 

John  _ loved _ how his face lit up.

 

The two met and started walking together. “You still look like death.” John spoke first, offering a teasing tone.

 

Alexander just laughed. “I get that almost circadian.”

 

John scoffed. “‘Circadian’? What does that even  _ mean _ ?”

 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Of biological process; recurring naturally in a twenty-four hour cycle.”

 

John shook his head. “You are  _ ridiculous _ .”

 

“So you’ve said.” Alex agreed.

 

“Yeah, well you obviously didn’t listen the first time.”

 

“ _ Au contraire, mon ami, _ ” Alexander countered. “I fear I simply possess facility of speech that is wasted on you.”

 

John scoffed. “Are you calling me stupid?” He tried to look offended, but a smirk played on his lips.

 

Alexander shook his head, playfulness apparent in his expression. “No, just… Benighted.” 

 

John couldn’t hold back a laugh at that. “Okay, you  _ literally _ just called me stupid, in pretentious-writer speak.”

 

Alexander crossed his arms indignantly, “Funny, I remember saying  _ benighted, _ not stupid.” He shook his head. “You’re not actually though,” he didn’t want John to think that Alexander  _ actually _ thought him illiterate. 

 

John shook his head. “You’re an asshole.” His smile didn’t falter though, dancing all the way up to his pretty green eyes - not that Alexander noticed they were pretty.

 

They rounded the corner to the classroom, and Alexander’s smile melted as he heard the rain pounding the window.

 

John frowned, “Hey, you good?”

 

Alexander bit his lip, chiding himself. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He gave another smug smile. “ _ Êtes-vous inquiet _ ?” He teased.

 

John crossed his arms. “ _ Tu es encore un trou du cul _ .”

 

Alex made a mock offended face. “ _ Vous, Monsieur, _ ” He started laughing before he could finish. “ _ Sont probablement raison _ .” He admitted, laughing as best he could.

 

John bought it too; he was certain whatever had taken the smile from his friend’s face when they walked in the door had fleeted, leaving only his lighthearted banter.

 

The rest of the class was uneventful; a few stolen glances toward one another, when they were certain the other wasn’t looking.

 

Then they rejoined one another for the following period, during which they had lunch with Hercules and Gilbert.

 

“Hey.” John greeted Gilbert and Hercules, who waited at their booth, while Alexander gave a short wave.

 

Gilbert was was almost buzzing with excitement, and Alexander raised a pointed eyebrow at him. “ _ Vous semblez heureux _ .” He said it almost like a question, but not quite.

 

Gilbert shrugged. “It has been a good day.” He said decidedly, but gave John an uncertain look. 

 

A silent conversation passed between the two, and Alexander missed entirely what it was, still heavily unnerved by the storm brewing.

 

He’d been doing his best to hide his anxiety, knowing it would cause John misrule to see him in the state he felt.

 

He forced his gaze to steady, his breathing to stay consistent, stilling his hands on the table as he listened intently to the conversation that buzzed amongst the group of friends.

 

John could tell something was up with Alexander. He seemed too… Calm. Once he noted it, he realized that was exactly what it was; Alexander’s hands never stilled, his mind was never focused on one thing, and he would usually comment on almost anything said.

 

Now, he seemed intent on listening, sitting quietly enough you could almost forget he was there.

 

Alex turned, realizing John was watching him.  _ Shit. _ He cast him a smile, returning his gaze to Gilbert, who was ranting angrily about a some assignment that hadn’t gone through because of bad internet (“Completely unfair! I completed it  _ early _ .”).

 

John turned his gaze away from his roommate, but his friend’s silence still bothered him, more than anything. Just the fact that Alexander wasn’t  _ talking. _ It was terribly out of character.

 

When John looked up, he saw Hercules’ gaze was darting uncertainly between Alexander and John.

 

He met John’s eyes, and they must have given away  _ something, _ because he placed a hand on Gilbert’s arm, effectively silencing him, before turning his gaze from John to Alexander.

 

“You feeling alright? You’re awful quiet.” He noted.

 

Alexander cast a smile, but his eyes betrayed him. “Yeah I’m fine, just tired.” He lied; he’d never felt more awake, alert, and on guard than he did in this moment.

 

Hercules and John exchanged an uncertain look. “You sure?” John asked, placing a hand on his shoulder.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes, panic welling in his chest as he shrugged off John’s hand. “Guys, you worry too much. I’m  _ fine _ .” He repeated.

 

John scanned his eyes, which almost immediately turned to Gilbert across the table, never resting on one face for long.

 

After a few moments of silence, he crossed his arms.”You guys are  _ completely  _ unfeasible. I’m a grown-ass man,” He joked, “and you harrow much too easily.”

 

Gilbert shook his head. “And  _ you  _ are abusing thesaurus here.” He accused, a smile cracking his own face.

 

“Seriously, why can’t you talk like a normal person?” Hercules joked. 

 

Alexander scoffed. “I, personally, always thought my eccentric vocabulary made me unique, for I’ve not much more to bet on.”

 

“See? Imagine living with this guy.” John shook his head. “I wouldn’t use unique, I’d say more along the lines of  _ pretentious. _ ”

 

Alexander smiled lightly. “Do you ever tire of your own narrow choice of words? Before you object, that is likely the tenth time just this week you’ve used attributed ‘pretentious’ as an insult. Is that the best you can do?” A smirk played at his lips, but there was still something that bothered John about his expression, though exactly what, he couldn’t quite place.

 

John just rolled his eyes. “You’re impossible. Insurmountable, incomprehensible, uh… Oh, and you’re an asshole.”

 

Alexander rolled his eyes in return. “Shut up.”

 

John’s eyes glinted with a challenge. “Make me.”

 

Suddenly Alex was horrifically aware of his surroundings. He was aware of the sharp patter of rain on the window, he was aware of Gilbert and Hercules watching them with interested looks, he was aware of the soft cushion beneath him and the slight draft, of the employees moving with practised speed about the restaurant, and mostly, of John’s face mere  _ inches _ from his, a challenging gleam in glittering green eyes, watching his with certainty.

 

John regretted his words the moment they left his mouth, but he wouldn’t back down now.

 

Alexander’s face was  _ so close _ , with dark eyes watching him closely, and soft looking lips that were close enough he could just…

 

Before he did something he was  _ certain  _ he would regret, Alexander pulled back, a hearty laugh escaping his lips.

 

John pulled back as well, a smirk tugged across his lips. 

 

Alex was alarmed by how close he’d just come to ruining his friendship, as the group slipped back into easy conversation.

 

Alexander grew quiet again, slipping back into his thoughts. He gazed bitterly toward the big open window near them; people passed outside, bombarded by harsh rain, and the gloomy sky was starting to make Alexander feel claustrophobic.

 

He had taken to tapping his nails against his glass cup, without even realizing it.

 

Soon enough, the group was clearing out, and this was the first time the others seemed to note the bad weather. 

 

“Damn rainstorm,” John grumbled, pulling an umbrella out of his bag. “I had a feeling it was gonna rain today.

 

Alexander already didn’t like the storm being there, but the thought of actually  _ walking _ while it was raining? His heart thudded against his ribs, and echoed in his ears, making it difficult to keep his thinking straight.

 

John placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. “You don’t look too hot, you sure you’re feeling alright?” 

 

Alexander cursed himself, giving John a smile he could only pray was convincing. “Yeah, I- I stood up too fast. I gotta go to the bathroom before we leave though.”

 

He quickly shouldered past the groups of people who were leaving, making his way to the bathroom as fast as he could without it looking odd.

 

Once concealed from prying eyes, he leaned against the door, closing his eyes.

 

He counted his breaths, trying to fight his rapidly climbing heart rate, as he moved to wash his face.

 

He watched himself carefully in the mirror.  _ I’ve got this. I can do this. _ He thought. He considered the effect it would have on John if he knew Alexander was freaking out; that smile would disappear, the light look in his eyes dissolving into worry for Alexander. That was the last thing he wanted.

 

So he steeled his expression, playing a calm smile across his lips; this wouldn’t be as hard as he thought.

 

He met with John, who pulled out his umbrella and the two stepped outside.

 

Uh oh. So much for this wouldn’t be hard.

 

As soon as he stepped outside, all his work to level his breathing and heartrate went out the window. In fact, any coherent thought he could form went out the window.

 

Alexander prided himself on his words, in any situation they worked, often before his brain, to articulate his immediate feelings.

 

Now, however, as happened on rare occasion, his voice failed him.

 

He tried to tackle the panic that rose in in his chest, threatening to close his throat.

 

Frustrated, Alexander set his jaw, trying to make his panic stop.  _ I am in control _ . He told himself, willing with every fiber of his being to take back that control.

 

Fear overwhelmed him, however, effectively thwarting his efforts, and it took everything to keep himself from running back inside and hiding.

 

Then there was a hand on his shoulder again. He snapped his head down to look at his feet, unable to meet John’s eyes.

 

“Jeez Alex, you’re white as chalk. You sure you’re okay?” John sounded genuinely worried, and that spiked Alexander’s resolve.

 

He gave a laugh, but it came out more nervous than he’d meant it. “Yeah, it’s cold out here though. We should get going.” It was a bullshit excuse, and he knew it, but he just hoped John wouldn’t press.

 

John let out a sigh, but nodded. “Yeah, we should.” 

 

The two started walking, and Alexander fought hard to be as inconspicuous as he could; his rising heartbeat and escalating train of thought fighting against him every step of the way. 

 

He forced himself to breathe at a normal pace, even if it hurt his lungs. He kept his jaw clenched, breathing completely through his nose, and tried to settle his heartbeat.

 

He tried not to focus on the storm. He tried to think about John right next to him, radiating warmth. Part of him wanted to cling to John, to hide from this awful weather and the even worse memories it dredged up.

 

The rational part of him knew that would  _ definitely _ say something was wrong though.

 

He hoped it was chilly enough that the color of his face wouldn’t faze John, that he had bought him just being cold.

 

When they reached the dorm building, Alexander was relieved to be out of the rain, but his anxiety only barely lessened.

 

Alexander checked his phone, and it was already one fifty; John had class soon enough.

 

That was a relief; he couldn’t keep this up much longer, his heart hammering against his ribcage as the storm raged and rumbled outside.

 

The two reached the dorm, and John turned around, studying Alexander. 

 

The other student tried not to squirm under his roommate’s gaze, giving him his best quizzical look. “What?” It came out a lot harsher than he had meant it.

 

Alexander pointedly walked past his friend, moving to lay on his bed.

 

John didn’t get it; something was obviously going on, and he didn’t like that he couldn’t figure it out. More than that he didn’t like that Alexander didn’t  _ tell _ him.

 

John glanced at his own phone, muttering a curse under his breath. “Alright, later.” He  _ did _ want to press Alexander, but he wasn’t sure if that was the right course of action.

 

He cast a last uncertain look at Alexander, who gave him a tight lipped smile, before disappearing.

 

Once he was gone, Alexander let out a long breath, deflating into the bed. He knew he had roughly an hour before John would be back, so he let go, tears that had threatened him since he’d left the restaurant finally escaping. He gasped for breath between his sobs, feeling worse when no more air came to his lungs than before. He curled into himself as he moved to the head of the bed. 

 

Eventually the initial panic passed, and he was allowed a measure of peaceful time, sliding shamelessly into muted tears.

 

He stayed like that for a while, giving in and releasing all he'd held in for the past several hours, not having realized how strenuous it was.

 

Eventually, the worst of it passed and he felt better than before, but still not completely okay.

  
He stood, making his way to the bathroom where he washed his face, trying to remove any trace of tears from his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, comments give me LIFE! Kudos are great, but coments tell me you're STILL interested soo yeah!
> 
> Also, hit me up on Tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid!


	6. It's Just A Matter Of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can only hide a horrible fear like that for so long, right? Somethings gonna come out eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit slow? I'm kinda having trouble writing right now ^^'

He decided spend his remaining time before class at the library, hoping to avoid seeing John, who had a knack for figuring out when something was wrong.

 

The rain had relented a bit, and Alexander was keeping his breathing in check.

 

He headed out at roughly two thirty, having made as sure as he could to remove the tear streaks from his cheeks.

 

He tied his hair back in a tight bun, before making his way down to the library.

 

There he stayed, cracking open a monster can as he settled into a small sitting area with his laptop, and began typing.

 

_ I find myself, at this time, unable to express my disarray. I find your presence confusing, uplifting, enlightening. I fear I am at a loss for words to express my joviality, for your very ubiety brings me great revelry. I won’t pretend that your disquiet is fruitless, for it may in fact bear my own reprieve. I fear that without the hindrance of yourself, and perhaps my other friends, I would more than likely rise to crescendo at a point too early, resulting in my paired early downfall. I find that with your own intermeddling I am contrived to impede to a moderate pace, that I might take precedence only as it is given to me, not to default to triviality as would perhaps be my forgone conclusion. _

 

He huffed annoyedly, deleting the text as quickly as he had written it, and instead moved on to browse the world of twitter politics.

 

He had gotten in several long arguments, consistently outwitting his opponent, and was holding up seven of these when his phone shook in alarm; it was three forty-five.

 

He closed his laptop, returning it to his backpack, before heading out of the library.

 

The rain had returned to a light drizzle, streaking intricate patterns along the glass panes on the window, as Alexander tried his best to pay attention to the class.

 

He tried to break down a rainstorm, thinking of it scientifically; rain was just moisture that had condensed from atmospheric water vapor, then precipitated. Most rainstorms were caused by moisture moving along three-dimensional temperature zones; weather fronts. Rain falls from convective clouds, only when enough upward motion and moisture are simultaneously present.

 

In other words, Alexander just had bad luck.

 

For some odd reason, looking at it scientifically didn’t make the storm any less unnerving.

 

Then again, fear wasn’t logical. 

 

There are two kinds of fear; the momentary, fight or flight response generated by immediate stimuli, and the kind of fear that builds, slowly, maybe within reason, to create a feeling of danger or alarm.

 

Unfortunately, this was not a slow-building fear.

 

This, he believed, lay somewhere in between. It was irrational, he shook and his heart raced, but it did grow and fester, worsening with every sound and reminder of the raging storm.

 

He shuddered as thunder shook the building lightly, just as students began to pack up.

 

Alexander dreaded returning to his dorm; he feared John would know the moment he walked in the door that something was bothering him.

 

Sadly, however, he had little choice; if he returned to the library, rather than the dorm, John was certain to notice his absence eventually, and would think even worse of it.

 

No, his best chance was to return to the dorm, brave smile in place, and play off any doubt his roommate might have by attributing his upheaval to expenditure.

 

He quietly slipped into the room, seeing John furiously typing away on his phone with earbuds in.

 

He pulled out an earbud when Alexander walked in, looking up at him.

 

“Hey,” Alex gave a small smile.

 

“Hey.” John clicked off his music and pulled out his earbuds.

 

“What's up?” Alexander gestured toward Johns phone as he moved to sit on his own bed.

 

John shook his head. “Engaging argument with Gilbert.” He offered vaguely.

 

He hoped Alexander wouldn't press him, because if made to surrender information pertaining to the exact nature of the discussion, he'd have to admit to feelings he wasn't sure he even understood. 

 

Alexander perked up an eyebrow. “Oh?” 

 

Johns phone buzzed again, and he just nodded to Alex, not responding beyond that.

 

He checked the text:

 

**From: Baguette      4:02pm**

**ok, but u wont kno unless u tell him, soooooo**

 

John shook his head.

 

**To: Baguette      4:03 pm**

**Ok, but also if i tell him he might freak. that would totally scrw up our frenship, soooo**

 

Alexander, despite his naturally inquisitive nature, didn't press.

 

Instead, he nodded himself, and pulled out his own phone, typing out a text.

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:05pm**

**Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, given that you're probably in class, but I have an issue I'm afraid you might be the only person able to help me with, and I trust in your lack of judgement ??**

 

Satisfied with the text, he sent it.

 

A moment later, he received a response.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:07pm**

**Okay, I got you. Go on.**

 

Alexander wondered briefly if he should really be doing this, but it was too late now.

 

John’s phone buzzed only a moment after Alexanders, and the young adult had to pull himself out of his thoughts to respond.

 

**From: Baguette    4:07pm**

**i dont think hell react the way u think he will…..**

 

John rolled his eyes.

 

**To: Baguette     4:08pm**

**U r soooo helpful. Its all clear 2 me now. Thx sooooo much for that detailed insight, u truly r profound.**

 

Alexander was still typing his own response.

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:08pm**

**I have an issue, one that carries great weight, and it's sitting right in front of me, a beautiful, freckled issue with big green eyes and curly hair and sharp cheekbones.**

 

He sent the text before he could think twice.

 

Again, almost immediate response.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:09pm**

**Wow, okay. What exactly is the issue in the situation? I mean we've determined the /who/, Alexander, but what's the bad part?**

 

John watched the way Alexander's nose crinkled as he read the text, before the other student began to type a response.

 

Then John’s own phone buzzed again. 

 

**From: Baguette      4:10pm**

**u kno sarcasm defends from ur real emotions, u guarded lil shit. and u rly should trust me on this.**

 

John frowned.

 

**To: Baguette     4:11pm**

**Again, so specific n helpful as always gilbert wth**

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:10pm**

**The who is the what, I'm afraid.**

**I can't just LIVE my LIFE, and he's gotta go… exist. Like, damn.**

 

Alexander shook his head, pondering the ridiculousness of the situation.

 

His phone buzzed again as John was typing what seemed like an aggravated retort.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial      4:11pm**

**Wow. You've got it bad.**

 

He scoffed. 

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial      4:11pm**

**Helpful.**

 

**From: Baguette     4:11pm**

**ok but fr u gotta see it right**

 

John frowned harder at his phone, uncertain.

 

**To: Baguette     4:13pm**

**Yeah, u kno ur gr8 at bein specific.**

 

Alexander chewed his lip as he tried to keep his eyes fixed on anything but John.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:13**

**I try. Anyway, have you tried talking to /him/ about this?**

 

“So, you seem very invested in that conversation,”  Alex noted. “What’s the hot gossip?” He asked casually, as he typed a response.

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial      4:14pm**

**My dearest, that is a feat insurmountable even by one of my complicated syntax.**

 

John glanced up at his roommate.

 

**From: Baguette     4:15pm**

**i dunno maybe the longing glances or idk the way his entire BEING lights up when ur around i swear u guys are hopeless.**

 

“We aren't talking about anything in particular,” He lied. “Bouncing from topic to topic. How about you? Who is your mystery textee?”

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:14pm**

**Honey, Alexander, dear, if you're just honest, something tells me it will go over pretty well.**

 

Alexander tried not to freak out over the heat of the conversation being suddenly redirected toward him. “Oh I'm just arguing with Jefferson.” He lied. “Guy’s a fucking tool.” He pondered the disturbing idea of having this same conversation with Jefferson; that wouldn't end well.

 

**To: Baguette     4:16pm**

**I resent bein called hopeless u asscracker. N also wtvr bc he gets excited 2 see all his friends soooooo**

 

“Trust me, I’d never argue against Jefferson being a tool, you should know that.” He joked.

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:16pm**

**Never, in a million years, could I do that. It would DESTROY our friendship, I'm not ready for that threshold to drop from beneath my already ill-balanced feet.**

 

“I believe you,” Alex laughed. “You seem to be the only one who wouldn't though.”

 

**From: Baguette     4:18**

**u insult my sincere concern here tho. i dint mean hopeless the way u prob thought. like kiss already wtf**

 

John could imagine Gilbert laughing at him, though he was still confused. “What do you mean by that?” He glanced up at Alexander, who was reading over a text of his own.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:17pm**

**Alexander Hamilton, your friendship was tainted the day you stopped thinking of it as friendship. You HAVE to tell him!!**

 

“I could easily name a few people who agree with him, at least on a select few matters.” Alexander pointed out.

 

**To: Do Not Drunk Dial     4:18am**

**Thanks so much, I needed to be reminded I'm royally fucked over here.**

 

“Madison doesn't count, just ‘cause Jefferson is sucking his dick. Who else?” John accused.

 

**To: Baguette     4:19pm**

**Ha ha ha. Ur fucking hilarious.**

 

“Okay, what about half the college? You've seen retorts to almost every malicious post calling Jefferson out on being a dick.” Alexander pointed out.

 

**From: Baguette     4:21pm**

**ok fine b like that bt dont say i didnt try**

 

“That's almost fair, except the fact that those call out posts  _ exist  _ in the first place. There are the people who'd back you up. Also, I wouldn't say half of the college, probably more like a third.” John returned.

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial    4:20pm**

***Sigh*. Love really is blind isn't it? Oh, and it's also a dumbass. I have class at 4:30 so I'm gonna go Alexander but I still stand by you should tell him! <3 <3 <3**

 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Okay but at least half of those are me and another almost half are from you.” He exaggerated.

 

**To: Baguette     4:23pm**

**Ok then ? Bye ?**

 

“Half the school is probably too scared to say anything. If there's one thing Jefferson is good at, it's ruining reputations. No sane person wants to run that risk.” He gave a pointed glance to his roommate, who had diverted all attention from his phone and was now 100 percent focused on John, a smirk tugging the corner of his lip.

 

**From: Baguette     4:24pm**

**bye u homo**

 

“Are you calling me, of all people, insane?” He made all mock offended face.

 

John clicked off his own phone. “Yes indeed.”

 

“And what justifies that observation?” Alexander demanded, despite the smirk beginning to play at his lips again.

 

John hummed thoughtfully, adjusting to lay with his head propped up in his hands. “Maybe not insane, just… Reckless. You aren't worried about him ruining your reputation.”

 

Alexander scoffed, “Okay, you've gone after Jefferson too, what's your excuse?”

 

John thought some more. “Maybe I'm a bit off my rocker too. I mean, I  _ am  _ friends with you.”

 

Alex gave up and started laughing. “That was an asshole move.” He joked. 

 

Johns smile disappeared. “Not like - I didn't mean that like it sounded - I'd crash and burn without you.” That last bit was an attempt at lightening up, but Alexander didn't even seem to consider he could've meant it hurtfully.

 

Alex was laughing, and shook his head. “Yeah right.” They were quiet for a minute before slipping into casual conversation about nothing in particular, hopping from topic to topic in easy conversation.

  
Eventually the day was drawing to a close, and John slipped off to take a shower, in which time Alexander drifted off, storm all but forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come bother me on Tumblr,I love to talk!! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid
> 
> I figured you guys could use some happy for a minute here ^^' Hopefully there WILL be some more Gilbert and Hercules in the next chapter, because I have PLANS for you bois soo


	7. It's Just A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has a bad dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not the best at chapter descriptions ^^' 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is kinda short, and not a lot happens, but consider this the REAL calm before the storm, because the next chapter has some shit that goes down and it puts some people in compromising positions

John woke at two in the morning, because Alexander was mumbling (John wasn't exactly what one would call a heavy sleeper).

 

“Alex?” John sat up, rubbing his eyes. The storm had regained some traction as the young man slept, and rain bombarded the glass window pane.

 

“... I don't want… what if I just…” Despite his less than upset words, Alexanders voice was strained, almost scared.

 

“Alex what..?” He resigned himself to the fact that Alex was still asleep.

 

Alexander kicked his blanket off, his brows knit tight as he mumbled nonsensically.

 

“Alex wake up…” Only now did John realize he'd never seen Alexander asleep before, save for the little naps he tended to take in class (how he was an A+ student was a mystery).

 

Alexander flipped over, his entire face was scrunched up, and he was breathing really hard.

 

“Hey,” John wanted to shake him awake, but he felt off. He felt like he shouldn't be here, like he shouldn't be seeing this. Then again, everyone has nightmares, right?

 

“Shh… she shouldn't…” He huffed. 

 

“Alexander,” John said. “Wake up.”

 

Thunder rolled.

 

Alexander thrashed, as his breathing picked up.

 

“Alex,” John said, a little more firmly. “Wake up,”

 

Alex let out a sound that almost could have been a whine, but also could have been a resigned scream. He continued thrashing.

 

“It's just a dream,” John muttered. 

 

Alex was hyperventilating now, shaking his head. He was saying something, repeating it under his breath, and slowly it was growing louder.

 

After a moment it was loud enough that John could understand; he was saying ‘no’. Almost indecipherable, barely audible.

 

John took a deep breath, and placed a hand on either of Alexander's shoulders. “Alex, it's a dream. Wake up,” he shook him gently.

 

Alexander froze on contact, but his face stayed contorted. After a moment he started thrashing again.

 

John shook his shoulders harder. “Alexander, wake  _ up _ ,”

 

Suddenly, Alexander shot bolt upright, he rubbed his eyes, muttering “Sorry” a couple times as he tried to wake up the rest of the way.

 

He cursed himself for the way he shuddered at the sound of thunder.

 

When he moved his hands away from his face he saw John, standing next to the bed, looking down at him dumbstruck.

 

“God, I'm sorry.” Alex shook his head. “That was fucking stupid…” 

 

John frowned at him. He was confused. Alexander had obviously had some sort of nightmare, and now he was apologizing? “What for?” John managed.

 

Alexander was shaking his head again. “That was just stupid.” He glanced at the dark window. “Did I wake you up? What time is it?” He kind of trailed off, checking his phone.

 

John just shook his own head again, still frowning. “What - what was that? That seemed like a pretty nasty nightmare.” John moved to sit on the bed facing Alexander, who was just shaking his head.

 

“No I - it was nothing. Go ahead and go back to sleep.” Despite his words all he wanted was to curl up with his roommate.

 

John shook his head though. “Nothing? Alex I hate to be that guy but that didn't seem like nothing.” 

 

Alex huffed. “Look, it really wasn't anything important. It’s just a stupid dream, okay? Go back to sleep.” He urged, not meeting John’s eyes.

 

John watched Alexander closely, silently pleading with him to meet his eyes.

 

After a moment of silence, John let out a sigh, relenting his gaze. He drew back to his own bed, eyes never leaving Alexander.

 

Alex couldn’t possibly bear to meet his roommate’s eyes though, as he kept his gaze glued to the covers now wrinkled around his knees.

 

After a moment, Alexander dared to glance in his direction, and John was laying down now, watching him, though Alex couldn’t possibly read his expression in this light.

 

John was relieved a moment later when Alexander laid down, hopefully to go back to sleep.

 

He tried to shove away any subsequent worry, he knew everyone had nightmares, but it was just unpleasant to see.

 

Alexander felt terrible too. He hated that he’d woken John up, he hated his stupid brain for being afraid of literal water, and he hated that he hadn’t thought it through well enough to prevent this whole stupid thing.

 

He wished he could have a redo of the night- scratch that, he wished he could have a redo of the day. That would be nice…

 

He lay there a long while, hoping desperately to slip back into sleep, but his anxiety over waking John up with another nightmare kept him from it.

 

When the sun started peeking through the window, Alexander gave a sigh and rolled out of bed.

 

He moved to look out the window, and was ecstatic to see the storm had cleared almost completely during the night, leaving only a few gray clouds.

 

Today was already better than the day before.

 

He took a quick shower, and when he got out, checked the time; it was five fifty in the morning.

 

He got dressed before making his way down to the library.

 

Wednesday, Alexander’s earliest class was at eleven, History, so he figured he’d blow some time at the library, grab some coffee at the coffee shop maybe, and then head to class.

  
  


He was in the coffee shop, nibbling on a scone-pastry-thing - whatever - when his alarm for History went off, at ten fifty.

 

Snack forgotten, Alexander downed the rest of his coffee before heading to class.

  
  


Immediately after History, Alexander had French with John.

 

When John saw Alexander jogging toward him, smile on his face, his stomach flipped.

 

His hair was neat but loose over his shoulders, he was bouncing with every step, and true to testimony he lit up at seeing John.

 

He was already smiling, just  _ glowing, _ and it was amazing.

 

When Alexander spotted John, he thought about the conversation he’d had over text the night before.

 

He took a moment to admire, coming to a steady pace.

 

He admired dark, curly hair tied back in a poofy ponytail, freckles scattered across dark skin, and bright green eyes that gleamed at the sight of his best friend.

 

“You seem in a particularly good mood, what’s got you on top of the world?” John asked as Alexander moved to stand beside him outside the classroom.

 

Alexander shrugged. “I could ask you the same thing.” He gave a knowing smirk.

 

John raised his hands in surrender. “I don’t know.”

 

“You guys should stop being so sappy, it’s disgusting.” Angelica Schuyler approached the two, and despite her words, a smirk was playing across her own lips.

 

“Hey!” Alexander greeted his friend. “What are you doing here?” She had positioned herself where she was standing with the two, as if waiting for the class.

 

“I switched. My history class moved to Friday to switch with my French, so here I am.” She gave Alexander a knowing smirk. “I know you’re just SO disappointed to have me here, Alexander.”

 

Alex rolled his eyes. “Oh sure. I didn’t even know you were taking French.” He tilted his head.

 

She crossed her arms. “ _ Je parle mieux Français que vous _ , Alexander.” She snarked. 

 

Alexander made a mock offended face. “ _ Comment oses-tu! Je suis le meilleur orateur français Je sais que vous, l'esprit _ .” He returned.

 

“ _ Excusez-moi, je suis ici aussi _ ,” John pointed out.

 

The teacher opened the door, and students started heading into the class.

 

“ _ Nous devrons simplement voir _ .” Angelica decided, giving Alexander a look.

 

The class wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, aside from the three passing notes around.

 

Afterwards however, they were stopped by none other than Thomas Jefferson.

 

“Hey, Hamilton, Laurens, wait up.” 

 

All three students stopped in their tracks and turned to face him. “What do you want?” Angelica asked, crossing her arms.

 

Jefferson raised his hands defensively, and Madison furrowed his brow at Jefferson’s side. “I come in peace, jeez. Hamilton, call off your sexy attack dog.” 

 

Alexander just rolled his eyes. “What is it, Jefferson?” Alex asked, not wanting Jefferson to mess up what was up till now a pretty great day.

 

“I just wanted to invite you guys to the party. Tomorrow, we’re having a birthday party, for  _ moi _ , in my off-campus apartment. Everybody’s gonna be there, I figured it wasn’t fair to leave the dork-squad out because that’d be discrimination.” He gave a smirk. “Feel free to invite any friends you might have, though…” He shrugged. “That’s all! Don’t bring anyone under twenty-one!” He turned to leave, and Madison waved a small goodbye before hurrying after his friend.

  
  
  


At some point, they parted with Angelica before lunch, and met up with Gilbert and Hercules.

 

Gilbert gave John a pointed look, and John shook his head amiably, earning a laugh from the French teen.

 

“Did I miss something?” Alexander smirked.

 

“So did you hear about Jefferson’s party?” John dismissed his roommate’s question, instead glancing between Hercules and Gilbert, as Alexander and John sat down.

 

Gilbert nodded. “Thomas texted me and invited us.” He informed them.

 

“You guys going?” Hercules asked.

 

John made a face. “I was thinking about it, but I don’t know.” It took a lot to keep from saying anything negative. He knew Gilbert and Jefferson were friends, but sometimes he forgot.

 

“You should come, it’ll be fun.” Gilbert encouraged. “He really isn’t that bad once you get to know him.”

 

Alex visibly bit his lip, holding back a comment about how well he knew Jefferson. 

 

“If nothing else, drunk party games.” Hercules pointed out.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’ll go.”

 

Gilbert and Hercules turned to John, who crossed his eyes.

 

“You guys are terrible, but I’m in.” He agreed, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

 

“You know you love us.” Hercules laughed.

 

John scoffed. 

  
The group fell into normal conversation, and the lunch passed fairly quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you had fun along the way! Thanks for reading, and comments make my week!
> 
> Also, come bother me on Tumblr! @New-kind-of-Stupid


	8. Happy Happy Birthday, From All Of Us To You!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the party, and Jefferson certainly has some fun games in store

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyy this chapter's got some shit going DOWN finally right? You guys are probably like "I've been WAITING." 
> 
> I hope you have fun along the way! And don't forget comments make my week every time!!

A few days later, it was the day of the party.

 

Alexander, John, Gilbert, and Hercules rode in Hercules’ car (they’d decided Herc would stay sober in the hopes of actually being able to drive the other three home.

 

They walked up to the apartment whose number was marked on the paper Jefferson had given them, and there was heavy bass shaking the building.

 

This was going to be an alcohol-infused night.

 

Sure enough, almost as soon as they walked in the door, a tipsy Angelica Schuyler greeted them. “Guys! Thank God you’re here - I was afraid you wouldn’t make it.” She leaned on Alexander. “Mmm… You’re soft.” She decided, closing her eyes. 

 

He smiled down at her. “Yep.”

 

She opened her eyes, and looked back up at him. “There’s beer in the kitchen, or some guys are lacing tea with vodka in the living room, if you’d rather.”

 

“I’m there,” Gilbert slipped away from the group. 

 

“Be right back,” Alexander followed him.

 

John shook his head. “I’m gonna go grab a beer.” 

 

Angelica’s gaze fell on Hercules. “Nothing for you?” She asked, hoping to strike up a conversation.

 

He shook his head. “I’m driving.”

 

She scrunched up her nose. “Babysitting these guys? Good luck.” 

 

That earned a lighthearted laugh from  Hercules.

  
  


Alexander had filled a red dixie cup (not even kidding) with half vodka and half Arizona tea; go big or go home, right?

 

Gilbert had only put one shot in his cup, and seemed content to take this somewhat slower than his friend.

 

Alexander knew he would have to see Jefferson at some point in the night, and preferred to be as intoxicated as possible when he did.

 

Speak of the devil, the tall man walked out of a bedroom, trailing a very strong scent behind him.

 

His eyes were red and puffy, and his eyelids drooped, a content smile on his lips.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes, having no interest in the type of intoxication the other student was so obviously enjoying.

 

He glanced across the room and saw John, true to tale, with a bottle of Sam Adams in his hand.

 

He was talking casually to who Alexander knew was Peggy Schuyler.

 

Alex made his way over. “Hey,” He greeted.

 

“Alexander!” Peggy gave him a hug. “Hey!” She glanced at John, and gave Alex a not-so-subtle wink. “I’ll leave you guys to… Stuff.” She giggled as she wandered over to Eliza, who was in conversation with Hercules and Angelica.

 

John watched her go, before turning back to Alexander. “What was that about?” He asked, a smirk on his face.

 

Alexander shrugged. “I dunno.” He lied. He figured Peggy had overheard Alex talking to her sisters about John once or twice before.

 

Before John could press, Thomas Jefferson tapped a spoon to his glass loudly. “Okay, so we’re gonna play a game, right?” He scanned the room, smirking. “This game is called ‘Don’t Get Me Started’. The rules, are pretty simple…” He went on to explain the rules of the game, and Alexander got more excited the more he talked.

 

This game focused on the one thing Alex was best at; talking.

 

He downed the rest of his drink, going for a refill before joining the rest of the students as they settled into chairs and couches and floor spaces in the living room. 

 

“Since it’s  _ my _ birthday party, I’ll be the gamemaster.” Jefferson decided. “Who wants to go first?”

 

Everyone exchanged glances, but no one said anything. “How about you, Angie?” He gestured to Angelica, who crossed her arms.

 

“Sure, why not? What’s my topic?” She had a challenging glint in her eyes.

 

Jefferson thought for a moment. “Don’t get me started on… Feminism.” 

 

Angelica rolled her eyes. “Okay, feminism is an important movement. It isn’t taken seriously, because people don’t understand that women are a minority. They refuse to see it, because of the systematic sexism already in place.” She was getting on a roll, and Jefferson’s smug look faded. 

 

“Because our system is built to make it harder for women to be heard, for us to stand up. Silencing us is easy, and it’s easy to pretend it doesn’t happen, because it doesn’t happen to the people enforcing it. It’s easy to say we’re overreacting, that people are crazy for thinking it’s there, when you’re above it. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well why should it be? Why should it be so very  _ easy _ for people to dismiss us as if we’re just crazy? It’s stupid. Ignorance is only blissful as long as the suspension of disbelief remains intact. As long as you can continue to pretend it doesn’t happen, you can refuse to act on it, without compromising your supposed moral set.” She paused, taking a drink from her own dixie cup.

 

“And as long as you have that supposed moral set, you can pretend the world is a healthy happy place. Act like you aren’t privileged because you were born with a penis and paper white skin. You can have a world that spins and pretends it’s happy, pretends to be a utopian society. As long as we mute those who are affected by it, anyone not directly oppressed can go on living as if nothing is wrong. All lives matter, right? That isn’t what we were talking about though. You said feminism specifically. I think it’s empowering, and important. I think it needs to be treated as a movement for equality, not superiority, because that’s what it’s supposed to be about. So fuck the system, fuck ‘meninists’, because shut the fuck up, and fuck  _ anybody _ who thinks feminism is about female superiority. That’s my thoughts.”

 

“Damn,” Jefferson muttered, stopping the stopwatch on his phone. “One minute, eleven seconds. If we go clockwise, Schuyler Junior is next.”

 

Peggy schuyler was obviously a little more than tipsy, and made a face at the nickname. “Try me,” She invited.

 

So Peggy went, (43 seconds), and then Aaron Burr went (he only got 12 seconds, because he didn’t want to compromise himself.), and it was Elizabeth Schuyler’s turn. Next would be Alexander and then John.

 

“Eliza, don’t get me started on… Cats.” 

 

Eliza carried on for 48 seconds about cats (she didn’t have too positive or negative a position on them), and then it was Alexander’s turn. 

 

John grabbed Alex’s drink and downed the rest of it, hating being the center of attention.

 

What he didn’t realize until it was too late was that Alex had swapped his tea and vodka for straight vodka, and there had been a good three shots left in there.

 

“Hamilton, don’t get me started on…” John couldn’t say what Alex talked for 4 ½ minutes about, because that was the last thing he remembered from that night.

 

Alex remembered what happened next though.

 

After he’d finished his rant, feeling rather happy with himself, Jefferson had to go and do a Jefferson-like thing.

 

“John Laurens, don’t get me started on… Hamilton.” A smirk played across the pale man’s face as he took a hit off a pipe.

 

“Alexander?” John looked like a deer in the headlights, as the few people who’d walked boredly away during Alex’s rant went quiet to watch the fun that was undoubtedly to ensue.

 

“Time starts now,” Jefferson said, amused.

 

“Alexander… Okay, well, he’s my best friend, obviously, um… He talks a lot,” there was a murmur of agreement. “But like- in a good way, it’s kinda great actually, like he just talked for four minutes straight - I’m not even sure what about, and it was still entertaining. I could listen to him talk for hours- and I don’t doubt he would, given the chance. He comes off like an asshole, because he’s gaurded like that, but when you get to know him… Well he’s still kind of an asshole.” He joked.

 

“He writes even more than he talks, and it’s beautiful, and eloquent, kind of like - well, I don’t know. But he’ll be there if you need him, and I have a sneaking suspicion-”  _ Shit, don’t tell them this… _ “That he’s afraid of storms, but that’s ridiculous, because he isn’t afraid of anything…” 

 

Alexander’s heart thudded against his chest at the mention of his fear.

 

“Well, I mean, he’s probably afraid of some stuff, but I don’t know.” John made eye contact with his friend. “Maybe. You know you have -” He returned his gaze to address the crowd. “He has really pretty eyes, and hair…”  _ Can you shut the fuck up? _ “He has a good face! It’s true, okay? And I know because, well because I see it a lot, and like, think about it. Not that I really think about it - not like that, but it’s a nice face. And then he’s a good hugger, and stuff...” 

 

Alexander felt like he was gonna be sick. He wasn’t sure how to feel about this.

 

John looked over and met his friend’s eyes, and Alex looked like he’d had a bit too much to drink. “He’s real nice, okay? He’s my best friend,” He put his arm around the other man. “And I love my best friend.”

 

Alexander felt horrid. The heat from his cheeks was travelling to his ears, and he was sure it was very visible.

 

Jefferson was cracking up. “You two are disgusting.” He joked. “Okay, you’re next.” He pointed to Hercules, who, sitting to John’s left, looked like he might throw up himself.

 

He caught Alexander’s eye, and at that moment, Alex felt a sudden wave of nausea. Breaking out from under John’s arm, he stood and made his way to the restroom, where he spewed his guts in the toilet like a civilized person.

  
  


A few minutes later, Alexander came back out of the bathroom, and John watched him walk up to Herc and mutter something, before the two left.

 

A few moments passed, before John realized Alexander’s phone as on the floor where he’d been sitting.

 

He picked it up, taking a moment to inspect it before he stood, trailing after the two.

 

Before he made it to the door, his own phone buzzed.

 

**From: HERCULES MULLIGAN     10:15pm**

**I’m taking Alexander home since he doesn’t feel good, but I’ll be back in a bit.**

 

John bit his lip, looking at his roommate’s phone in his hand.

 

He walked out the front door, hoping they hadn’t left yet, but luck was short as the small car pulled away.

 

A moment into his watching them depart, Gilbert followed him outside, obviously at least as drunk as he was.

 

“Did  _ petit lion _ leave?” He asked.

 

John still thought that was a stupid nickname, but he nodded. “He left his phone…”

 

“Ooh, I bet there’s all kinds of juicy stuff in there…” He took the phone from John’s hands, and there wasn’t a lock on it.

 

He opened the messages, as John, despite himself, moved to look over his friend’s shoulder.

 

He scrolled for a moment, before John interrupted him. “Wait wait, go back.” The latest message from the conversation, which caught his eye, read this:

 

**From: Do Not Drunk Dial    4:20pm**

***Sigh*. Love really is blind isn't it? Oh, and it's also a dumbass. I have class at 4:30 so I'm gonna go Alexander but I still stand by you should tell him! <3 <3 <3**

 

John frowned. That looked interesting. So he took the phone, scrolling back up to the beginning of the conversation.

 

The longer this went on, however, the more invasive it felt.

 

Then he saw his own contact name, and saw there were several unsent messages. So he read through those as well.

 

Gilbert was watching John carefully, having realized how bad of an idea this was.

 

John’s heart beat faster the more he read. There were paragraphs upon  _ paragraphs _ , too much for him to even read, and he wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or horrified.

 

His name was never directly used, so it was possible these things weren’t meant for him, but it was drafts under his number.

 

“ _ Merde _ …” Gilbert muttered.

 

“Yeah…” John agreed. This was way too much. The more he scrolled, more skimming than actually reading at this point, the sicker he felt. His stomach contorted, and he wasn’t sure how to react. 

 

He scrolled and scrolled.

 

But it just didn’t end.

  
And then everything was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LIKE WHAT? Damn son, shit's going DOWN.
> 
> Also, comments are AMAZING. I hope you had fun along the way! You guys rock! You're amazing and beautiful have a lovely day!
> 
> (also, come bother me on Tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid )


	9. When I Was A Child A Hurricane Destroyed My Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're drunk, things come out that you never meant to tell...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter, life keeps getting in the way (which yoy wouldn't think could happen to someone with no life...), but is here now, so enjoy!

He woke up on the ground, with Gilbert knelt over him.

 

“No more for you,  _ mon ami _ ,” Despite his joking tone, the Frenchman looked a little past worried.

 

John nodded, sitting up just as Hercules pulled back in. 

 

“You two partied out too?” Hercules asked, a light smile on his face.

 

Gilbert and John exchanged a look, a silent agreement passing between them.

 

“Yeah, and Alexander left his phone.” Gilbert handed the small square of glass to Hercules, who shook his head. 

 

“Guess it’s a good that someone noticed. You both have your phones right?” He gestured to the two drunk men, as they both returned to their feet.

 

They nodded, each patting a back pocket. 

 

When John patted his back pocket, however, it made a horrid sound.

 

He pulled his phone out, and saw that the screen was laced with cracks. 

 

“Oh  _ shit _ ,” He examined the device, his stomach aching more the more the thought about it.

 

Hercules perked up an eyebrow, before a look of understanding crossed his face. “Aw man, that sucks.”

 

“Yeah,” John felt nauseated again. “One second please,” He moved to the bushes off the driveway path, hurling into the grass.

 

After a few moments, he rejoined the others. “Let’s go,” He offered, and there were no objections.

  
  


Once returned to his own dorm, he felt even worse upon seeing his roommate.

 

Alexander was laying on his bed, laptop open, as he typed furiously.

 

John thought about how much Alexander wrote; if it was anyone else, that many messages would be creepy, but given the amount of time he spent engrossed in his writing, it wasn’t much.

 

“Hey! Did you see my phone at the party?” Alexander greeted hopefully.

 

John pulled it out of his pocket, handing it back to his roommate. 

 

“Thank God, you’re a lifesaver.” He decided.

 

John chewed his lip. “Alexander?”

 

“Hmm?” The other student met his gaze over his laptop.

 

John huffed because the words he wanted wouldn’t form properly. Instead, he moved to sit on the bed beside his best friend.

 

Alexander slowly closed his laptop and sat up, so he could meet his eyes again. “What is it?” His brow was furrowed uncertainly, and he was watching John intently.

 

John dropped his gaze, playing with the hem of his shirt as he tried to form coherent thoughts. “Look, about what I said during ‘Don’t Get Me Started’-”

 

“No, don’t.” Alexander cut him off. “I get it; I know you don’t like being on the spot, and you’re pretty drunk, at least judging by my empty cup that was sitting between us, so you don’t have to explain yourself. And it was bound to come out eventually.” The truth was that after the bit about him being afraid of rainstorms, Alexander hadn’t paid too much attention.

 

John was trying to have a completely different conversation, and was momentarily confused. “Wait…” Then he got it. “Oh, yeah that - I  _ am _ sorry though, I don’t even know if that’s true, and I had no right to share it like that-”

 

“Okay, you wanna know the truth?” Alexander cut him off, and John looked up to meet his eyes, but Alexander dropped his own gaze now.

 

He gave a sigh. “It is true. When I was a younger, back on St. Croix, there was a storm.” He wasn’t sure why he was sharing this now, for the first time since it had happened, but it felt safe enough. “It was a hurricane, actually, and, well, I lost a lot of people.” He paused, keeping his breathing in check.

 

One thing he hated about drinking though; he always cried more easily. “No, not a lot of people,” He sighed. “Everyone. Everyone I had left at that point, that is.” He chewed his lip. “And then, well, I was alone. And there were- um- well- there were  _ bodies _ .” He clenched his jaw, cursing himself silently for having so much trouble.

 

“Alex, I had no idea-”

 

“I know,” Alexander shook his head. “I know and it’s not your fault, I didn’t tell anyone, because it’s a stupid fear, and it’s irrational, and it’s incapacitating sometimes, and it’s embarrassing-”

 

John cut him off by placing a hand on his shoulder, and Alexander did meet his eyes as he began to blink back tears. “And it was linked to a trauma. There’s nothing embarrassing about that.” He pointed out, and Alexander shook his head again, returning his gaze to his lap.

 

“But you don’t get it; it’s _stupid_. It’s stupid to be afraid of _water_ , falling from the sky, and- and to have to miss important things because of it, or-or-or just be completely unable to do _anything_ , because it’s _raining._ ” He was breathing harder now, desperately fighting back the sob that was trying to build in his throat.

 

The two men were quiet for a while, as neither knew what else could be said.

 

As the silence grew, it became more and more awkward, and John was horribly aware of his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

 

“It’s not stupid,” John finally said. “A lot of people are afraid of a lot of things. And as for incapacitating,” He continued. “You have friends who all would be willing to help. Now I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life, but I think telling Hercules and Gilbert is a good idea.” He decided.

 

Alex shook his head more now. “No, there’s no reason to give them  _ more _ reasons to flip out over me. In fact, if I wasn’t very drunk right now, I don’t think I even would have told you.” He sighed, adjusting to lay on the bed. “Can we just pretend this whole thing didn’t happen?” He pinched the bridge of his nose, as John lay down next to him.

 

“We could,” John mused. “Or, you could let me help you.”

 

Alexander crossed his arms across his chest, gaze fixed on the ceiling. “How exactly could you do that?”

 

John thought about that a moment, before he shrugged (as much as one can while lying down), “I don’t know, but you don’t have to hide it from me. Everybody has breakdowns…” Something occurred to him that he hadn’t thought about before.

 

He adjusted so he was facing Alexander, head supported on what he only now remembered was his own pillow. “Was that what your nightmare was about?”

 

Alexander had also all but forgotten that. He pondered the question a moment, before letting out a sigh. “Yeah, I still hear- it’s the worst during actual storms, but I still dream about it sometimes.”

 

John chewed his lip, wondering about pressing further boundaries, but decided his roommate would stop him if he was out of line. “This might be too far, and tell me if it is,” He instructed.

 

“Okay, I don’t like the sound of that, but go on.”

 

John had to take a second to admire how beautiful he was from this angle… and every angle… “When you… Have those nightmares, or- or breakdowns, what is it about the memories that stands out?” 

 

Alexander frowned, counting his breaths silently, before he trusted himself to speak. “We had this neighbor,” He began, steadying his voice carefully. “He was a good kid, a little bit older than me, he went to the same school,” He swallowed, shaking his head slightly. “And he uh, he was- he got stuck. Got stuck in his house, a tree had fallen over the door, and he, he was trapped.” Alexander shook his head, taking a moment to regain himself.

 

“His, uh, his mother was outside the window. She was- well she was screaming, wailing, trying to call someone to help. He was whispering to her, trying to comfort her - strongest woman I ever met, besides maybe my own mother - and here she was, on her knees bawling.” He shook his head.

 

John didn’t dare speak. Alexander, as far as John understood it, had just confided in him something he’d never told anyone. Something that haunted him, something so traumatic John couldn’t possibly imagine that the same Alexander he knew had experienced something like that.

 

Silence hung thick and John watched Alexander’s face carefully, tracing out the details in his brain.

 

“How old were you?” He hadn’t really meant to ask, but the question kind of slipped out, out of natural curiosity.

 

“Eight.” He lifted a hand and carefully rubbed across the bottom of his eyes, collecting any tears that might escape. “And you know- you know what I did, after seeing that?” His voice held a bitter edge that made John afraid to ask.

 

“What?”

 

“I ran away. The street was flooding, I knew he was stuck, and he wasn’t getting out, so instead of trying to help him, I ran away.” He spat the words as if he was talking about something he resented strongly.

 

John’s breath hitched. That was another thing he had trouble imagining. He didn’t comment.

 

After a moment, Alexander let out a dry laugh, devoid of amusement. “Lower your opinion of me enough yet?” He shook his head. “Another reason I don’t like people to know; I was a different person then. It’s hard to believe, some people don’t understand how much you can change, so it would ruin any worth I had as a human in their eyes, to know I could do something so callous and disgustingly cowardly.” The bitterness had returned to his voice, but his voice cracked.

 

John still didn’t say anything. He  __wanted to say that Alexander was just  kid then, reassure him there was nothing he could've done, but the words didn't come out.

 

Silence continued to hauntingly fill the room, leaving both men to their thoughts.

 

After a while, Alexander sat up, moving to the foot of the bed to move his laptop onto the floor, before laying back down so he was facing John, scanning his face carefully.

 

John’s breath caught when Alexander looked at him. He was so…  _ Intense. _ That may be the only way to describe the way he watched his friend. In fact, that applied to pretty much everything about Alexander. 

 

He didn’t do anything halfway, it was always go big or go home, and fight tooth and nail to prove everything you are. That was something John could admire, and also be afraid of.

 

The idea of that type of intensity and self worth in some situations could be problematic, even dangerous.

 

Alexander smiled, “You know you make a really cute face when you’re nervous.” Now that his emotions were toning down, his slur was starting to show through in his words.

 

His eyes fell oh so slightly, just to John’s mouth.

 

John’s own gaze unashamedly dropped, pondering the conversation he’d snooped on Alexander’s phone.

 

He didn’t realize he’d been leaning closer, until their lips were touching.

 

At first it was gentle, like neither was certain of what they were doing, but then Alexander rolled so he was on top of John, who adjusted accordingly.

 

John sat up so that Alexander was in his lap, and placed a hand on either side of Alexander’s face, not realizing how badly he’d longed for this.

 

Then something dawned on him, and he broke away.

 

Alexander looked confused, and, for a moment, scared, before he seemed to understand, rolling off his friend so he was laying on the bed again.

 

“You’re drunk.” John pointed out.

 

“Don’t act so high and mighty, you’re drunk too.” Alexander pushed John gently. “Go get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning.” He encouraged.

 

John nodded, moving to lay down on his own bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

  
They wouldn’t talk about it in the morning though, because neither of them would remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aggghhh I'm dead ok come complain to me on tumblr about these dweebs @New-kind-of-stupid


	10. In The Eye Of A Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm amidst the storms, a pause in roaring wind and crashing rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I'M SORRY I KEEP FORGETTING TO POST CHAPTERS LIKE OH I'LL DO IT LATER AND THEN I FORGET SO HERE IT IS THO

The next morning, John awoke with a hangover and a fuzzy memory of the party.

 

He sat up, head pounding, to find Alexander sitting at his desk, typing away.

 

“Morning sunshine.” Alexander teased, casting an amused glance in John’s direction.

 

John just grunted in response, moving to the edge of his bed where he could check his phone.

 

It was already nine, and his phone screen was covered in a web of cracks.  _ Shit _ .

 

“Dude, I guess I broke my phone screen last night? Do you know how that happened?” John looked over to his roommate, who frowned.

 

Alexander shook his head. “No, I don’t remember too much from last night.” He admitted.

 

John pressed his lips together. “Me neither, not after ‘Don’t Get Me Started’.”

 

Alexander remembered some things. He remembered that he had told John something important. He didn't remember what that thing was. He also didn’t remember why, where, or when.

 

John wondered if Gilbert knew anything. So he shot him a text. 

 

**To: Baguette    9:14am**

**hey how much do u remember of last night?**

 

After sending the text, he sighed; it was Saturday, which meant no classes.

 

He was glad, because he feared if he tried to sit through a single class he might drop dead.

 

Gilbert wasn’t answering, so he moved to get on his laptop.

 

John posted on his blog a bit, ranting about drinking enough that you don’t remember things.

 

He wasted some time, screwing around on the wide world of web, and after a while he did receive a text. 

 

**From: Baguette    10:12am**

**um idk wats the last thing u do remember**

 

Very fucking helpful.

 

**To: Baguette    10:14am**

**playing dont get me started what about u**

 

He waited, returning to his laptop, but it wasn’t long.

 

**From: Baguette    10:16am**

**whoa u drank a lot huh**

 

Again, very helpful comment. He responded too quickly for John to type his own sarcastic retort.

 

**From: Baguette    10:17am**

**ok well a lot happened after that so we should talk irl. u n alex should meet us at our restaurant at 12 4 lunch n we can swap stories**

 

John thought for a moment. “Hey Alex,” He turned to face the other student.

 

“Hmm?” Alexander turned to face him as well.

 

“Wanna grab lunch with Gilbert and Herc at noon?” John inquired.

 

Alexander shrugged. “I’m down. I don’t really have any plans.” He admitted.

 

“Cool.” John returned to his phone.

 

**To: Baguette    10:20am**

**yea sounds like a plan fam**

 

After sending the text, he returned to his laptop, just as Alexander closed his.

 

“You taking off?” John asked as his roommate moved toward the door.

 

Alexander nodded. “I’m gonna head down to the library for a bit, but I’ll meet up with you guys for lunch.” 

 

John nodded. “Peace.” And with that, he was gone.

 

Alexander eased the door shut behind him, pacing swiftly down the hall toward the library.

 

Something was nagging at him, though exactly what, he couldn’t say.

 

He took a breath, taking a moment to appreciate the clear skies, dotted only with a few white clouds.

 

He felt like he’d said too much last night.

 

Annoyed, he scrolled through his phone conversations, trying to see if he’d texted anyone anything, and then went through his call history, to see if he’d made an embarrassing drunk phone call, but none of those were out of the ordinary either.

 

With a huff, he gave up, resigning to wait to compare with Gilbert and Hercules at lunch.

 

Instead, he just went to the library.

  
  


When he did rejoin the group for lunch, John seemed bothered too.

 

But, as per usual, he lit up when he saw Alexander, sending the stomach of the latter into chaos.

 

He had to bite down on his lip to keep from saying something he’d regret, giving a small wave.

 

John and Alexander sat in their regular booth, across from Gilbert and Hercules.

 

Gilbert didn’t look much better than John and Alexander felt.

 

“Hey,” John greeted sympathetically, and Gilbert just grunted in response.

 

Hercules tried (and failed) to repress a smirk at the condition his friends were in. “You know, maybe it was better I skipped out on this one.”

 

“Oh, shove it.” Gilbert muttered.

 

Alexander laughed a bit to himself at that.

 

“So,” Gilbert pointedly ignored his friends snickering. “What- I know the last thing you said you remembered was don’t ‘get me started’, but what part? Because that was a loaded game of ‘don’t get me started’ if I ever heard one.”

 

John pursed his lips. “I remember it getting to Alex’s turn…” He chuckled. “I can’t say I have any idea what you ranted about for four minutes, but I can bet it was great.” He decided, before shaking his head. “Yeah but after that, I don’t know. Did I play my turn?” As John scanned the faces around him, Gilbert and Hercules exchanged a glance, and Alexander’s gaze turned to his lap.

 

There was a pause at the table, the waiter came and the group ordered, and the silence ensued.

 

“It was that bad?” John asked finally.

 

“Alexander, how much do you remember?” Gilbert glanced between the two roommates uncertainly.

 

Alexander didn’t say anything, and that made John nervous.

 

“What was the topic Jefferson gave me?” John gave Gilbert a look filled with uncertainty and determination.

 

Gilbert laughed nervously as the waiter brought them their food. “Well, it was, uh,” He gestured to their friend. “Our dear Alexander.” He smiled, his lips pulled tight.

 

John frowned.  _ Uh oh. _ He must have said something, something he shouldn’t have, something that was causing Alexander to become very fascinated in his plate in front of him.

 

Alexander was horrified, because in front of the three people closest to him, his darkest secret had slipped - and there was a possibility, at least he’d thought, that it would be swept aside, dismissed, but the awkwardness in this conversation just confirmed his fears.

 

John turned to face his roommate, who made no effort to lift his gaze.

 

After a moment, he turned back to Gilbert, “Did I… Say something I shouldn’t have?” Though he had a feeling he knew exactly what he’d said.

 

“It wasn’t anything that wasn’t going to come out anyway,” Alexander interjected, jarring all three other boys from a tense silence. “And no, I don’t want to talk about it, so can we just drop it and talk about something else-  _ anything _ else?” He looked up to scan the eyes of his friends, arms crossed over his chest.

 

Gilbert, John and Hercules alike thought he was talking about something different than he was, and were surprised by this response.

  
After a moment of silence, small talk picked up amongst the group, and eventually their normal conversation started to flow, but a tension had settled in, and the air wouldn’t clear without a level of explanation none of the group were ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY THANK YOU TO NICE PEOPLE FOR COMMENTING HONESTLY SAVING MY LIFE HERE OKAY  
> Also, come bother me on Tumblr! @new-kind-of-stupid


	11. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the edge of the eye of a hurricane?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while my two best friends on separate accounts are going through a lot so I've been kinda distracted ^^' and thank you guys for all your support! Your comments and kudos keep me writing! I also wanna say a thank you to my editors, for your suggestions they help me grow as a writer! Hope you enjoy!

That night, when John returned to the dorm Alexander was at his desk, typing on his laptop as usual.

 

He glanced up to John and gave him a nod when he entered the room, but didn’t say anything.

 

John moved to sit at his own desk, pulling out his laptop.

 

After a few minutes of sifting uselessly through work, he couldn’t focus, so he shut off the computer and turned to face Alexander.

 

His roommate was still typing away, clicking between tabs as if he was born to do so.

 

John couldn’t help but think how ridiculous this was; he was worried to talk to his best friend, because of something he’d said the night before, and he wasn’t even sure what it was.

 

After a minute of pondering, he finally spoke up.

 

“Hey, Alex?” John began casually.

 

Alexander glanced over his shoulder. “Hmm?” He continued typing.

 

“What was it, at the party, that I said?” John really wanted to clear the air, because it was bothering him, but he wasn’t sure if this would help.

 

Alexander paused at the question, leaving the dorm painfully quiet for a moment, before he turned around. “You really don’t remember?” 

 

John chewed his lip, shrugging.

 

Alexander sighed, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Like I said before, it wasn’t really anything important, just some stupid stuff about rainstorms. Nothing that isn’t gonna blow over.” He wanted to believe that too, but even a slight implication such as that, in front of Jefferson, could blow up horribly.

 

John furrowed his brow. “Rainstorms?” 

 

Alexander sighed. “You said you suspected that I didn't - that I was afraid of rainstorms. Huzzah, detective of the year, you were right, but it doesn't matter.”

 

John didn't know whether to be relieved or more upset. “Alex, I'm sorry I didn’t-”

 

“Wait, I feel like we've had this conversation before…” 

 

Actually, now that he'd said something, John felt the same way. “Maybe we talked about it last night?” 

 

Alexander looked uncertain, but nodded. “I guess. Either way, it doesn't matter. There's my big dark secret, and if we could let it go just about now, that'd be great.”

 

John furrowed his brow, but didn't press further.

 

He wanted to be relieved; he obviously hadn't said anything about what he thought he had. At the same time, something was nagging at him. Something in the pit of his stomach that screamed at him to do  _ something _ , though what that something was he couldn't possibly conceive.

 

John also wanted to talk; he didn't want to just let go of this, because obviously, contrary to what he’d said, this  _ was _ important to Alexander, and John felt like a terrible friend for not realizing this sooner.

 

“Is that what your nightmare the other night was about?” He wondered aloud.

 

Alexander just sighed. “Yes. Now can we leave it alone?” 

 

John really did want to ask more questions - a million puzzle pieces sliding into place and he wanted to reaffirm them - but he held his tongue.

 

The night dragged on for a while, before John made his way to a quick shower before retiring for the night. At this point, he’d almost completely forgotten the pillow under his head was not originally his, and the faint scent of coffee beans had all but worn off.

 

Alexander didn’t make it to bed that night, as he typed away on his computer until the sun peeked through the window, when he departed quietly for the library.

  
  
  


When John awoke, Alexander was long gone, and his laptop had come with him wherever he’d went.

 

He stretched, lazily making his way over to the mini fridge in the corner of the dorm.

 

It was a Sunday, and he didn’t really feel like doing anything.

 

Instead, he sat on the floor of the dorm and began sketching.

 

He had decided to take to drawing faces again recently, and it had proven a much more difficult task than he’d expected.

  
  
  


Alexander spent a good amount of his day in the library, where he read some, wrote quite a bit, and even ended up having some good arguments online.

 

At about ten, he’d been there all of four and a half hours, and decided to catch some fresh air.

 

He made his way outside the dorm building, heading around to a well circulated area outside one of the class buildings.

 

In the middle of a large courtyard, a cement fountain stood tall, spraying a thin mist of cool water over the students who sat on it’s rim.

 

The fountain’s bottom glittered in the sun with multi-colored coins littering it’s depths, and the edges were decorated with different fish designs.

 

Alexander had to admit; it was a pretty beautiful sight, sans the people mulling about and chatting with their friends.

 

Alexander never considered himself antisocial by any count - he could strike up a conversation with most anyone - but perhaps introverted, in that he did find it draining to interact with a lot of people, or for a long time.

 

Pushing aside these thoughts that seemed to wish not to relent, he sat on a stone bench a few feet from the fountain, and opened his laptop again.

  
  
  


John readjusted between a sitting and lying position several times, as several hours slipped by with him on the floor, every so often checking the image pulled up on his phone of his art subject.

 

At around noon, he took a break, heading to a small cafe and grabbing a late breakfast (brunch maybe?) before going back to work.

  
  
  


Alexander grew restless again just before three, and headed back to his dorm.

 

John was sitting on the floor, back to the door with earbuds in, when Alexander returned.

 

He was bent over his sketchpad, and despite a growing curiosity Alexander didn't disturb his friend.

 

John, not the type to flaunt his talent, rarely showed his drawings to people, though the few times he'd shared them with Alexander he'd been greatly impressed.

 

So instead of bothering him, Alexander slipped past John to his own desk, though his roommate startled when he walked past.

 

John had to admit; he panicked a bit when his roommate slipped by him.

 

He desperately hoped he hadn’t spied what was on the sketchpad.

 

“Hey,” He greeted, pulling out an earbud.

 

Alexander nodded to his roommate before sitting down. “‘Sup?”

 

This was where the problem was; their conversation should have flowed easily from this, or maybe even just left the two in comfortable silence, but instead an underlying tension pricked at both, leaving the silence just as awkward as any attempt at conversation either could make.

 

Still, John couldn’t help this, so he tried to push it from his mind; maybe it was just his imagination.

 

So he put his earbud back in, turning back to his sketching, but angling himself so he was certain Alexander wouldn’t catch even a glimpse of the drawing he was working on, that he had been working on for several hours.

 

Alexander was bothered by the lack of easy conversation as well, but wasn’t sure how to address it.

 

He knew, somewhere under that thick skull of his, that the only way would be to talk about it, work it out, but he was also not certain that would help.

 

He had heard a million times that talking through shit was supposed to help it, but this was A) not something he wanted to talk about, and B) not just some argument or misunderstanding.

 

This was something he was ashamed of, something he’d successfully hidden for years, and to even dream of bringing it into the light felt unfeasible, like living in a fantasy world.

  
Shaking off these thoughts, he returned to his laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all so much for reading! If you wanna come bother me on Tumblr @new-kind-of-stupid that'd be awesome!
> 
> Also, this is more calm bur DON'T WORRY the storms coming... kinda...
> 
> More Gilbert and Herc at least is coming up!


	12. I Wrote my Way Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert, remembering the party, wants to know all the juicy deets about John and Alexander's conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayy! Again, I gotta apologize for my erratically pooping out updates...  
> But, y'all get two in one week, so you can't be too disappointed!  
> I got some heavy stuff in store in a few chapters too, so buckle in, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, and have fun on the ride!

About half an hour passed, when John closed his sketchbook, clicking off his music.

 

“Hey, I’m gonna go grab some late lunch, join me?” He offered as he stretched.

 

Alexander glanced toward his friend, before returning to his laptop. “I don’t know, I got some stuff…”

 

John chewed his lip. “You sure? Alex, have you eaten anything today?” He hadn’t really meant the question to come out, and certainly not in the repremansive tone it did, but it was out there now.

 

Alexander’s hands stilled as he thought.

 

After a moment, he gave a sigh, closing the lid of his laptop. “Fine, let’s go to late lunch.” He joked.

 

John smiled internally at his small victory, opening the door for his friend.

  
  


When they arrived at the small cafe, less than a block from campus, the two ended up finding that it was rather busy this sunday afternoon - not out of the ordinary, but dampening all the same.

 

As they were waiting in the crowd of people, a familiar voice behind Alexander said, “Hey!” 

 

Eliza Schuyler was waving to them from a booth, where she was situated with both of her sisters. 

 

“Alexander honey, we haven't ordered yet if you two would like to join us.” 

 

Alex glanced to John uncertainly, but his friend just shrugged.

 

So the two crossed to join the Schuylers.

 

Angelica and Eliza sat on one side, whereas John and Alexander settled in with Peggy on the other side.

 

Alexander’s discomfort slipped away as he fell into easy conversation with the Schuylers. 

 

John was relieved to see his friend so at ease, as if the tension from the party had vanished. 

 

John even deposited his own comments into the conversation here and there; the Schuyler's were easy to like, easy to get along with and John could see how Alexander would be good friends with them. 

 

The lunch period passed without discourse, and the two parted ways with the sisters to head back to their dorm.

 

So the two returned to their dorm, though John found a restlessness in having completed his artwork.

 

Alexander, John knew could write for indefinite amounts of time without feeling he needed a break, so John decided to bother Gilbert instead. 

 

**To: Baguette    4:02pm**

**Hey.**

 

As he waited for a response, he scanned mindlessly through social media until a notification obstructed his view. 

 

**From: Baguette    4:05pm**

**Hey sup**

 

Gilbert always had been a wizard with words. 

 

**To: Baguette     4:07pm**

**u doin anything?**

 

As he waited on a response from Gilbert, John couldn't help but allow his thoughts to wander to Alexander. 

 

He was certain something had been said at that party that had changed the dynamic of their friendship, whether either of them wanted to admit it or not. 

 

He was pondering this when his phone buzzed again. 

 

**From: Baguette    4:10pm**

**Negative, y do u ask? Wanna hang out?**

 

This was the response he was hoping for.

 

**To: Baguette    4:12pm**

**Yea. Hang @ ur dorm? Alex is studyin here**

 

He scanned Alexander's concentrated face as he waited; he loved the way his roommates nose crinkled and his eyes sparked when he was really engulfed in his works, the same way that challenging glint appeared in his eye when approached with the plausibility of a good argument…

 

John was jarred from these thoughts by his phone. 

 

**From: Baguette    4:14pm**

**Yea hang on tho Herc n me gotta pick up rly quik**

 

While John questioned the idea of Hercules and Gilbert actually cleaning anything, he decided not to press. 

 

**To: Baguette    4:15pm**

**Ok then**

 

So he returned his attention to Alex; he decided he liked his hair better down.  The way it framed his face, and fell, sleek and smooth over his shoulders, seemed so much more real; more Alex. 

 

Every now and then, he'd stop to think for a moment and one hands would leave his keyboard, sometimes making its way into his hair and mussing it up, but only as long as the contact lasted; then it fell right back into place. 

 

His phone buzzed again, and John shook his head.

 

**From: Baguette     4:18pm**

**K done u can come over now.**

 

So John stood, stretching.

 

“Headed out again?” Alexander asked, not tearing his gaze from his computer screen as he typed.

 

“Yeah,” John began packing up his art stiff, having decided to take it with him. “I'm gonna go hang with Gilbert while you study. Like a  _ nerd.”  _ He joked. 

 

“Ha ha,” Alexander returned. “I'll be the one laughing when I ace it.” 

 

John scoffed. “Yes, you're the kind of person who aces assignments that aren't due for two months I’m sure.” 

 

Alexander scoffed back. “More like three months! But this one's actually due today I just forgot.” He admitted. 

 

John shook his head, walking towards the door. “You're ridiculous. See you later.” John opened the door. 

 

“Later.” Alex gave a small wave, right as his friend disappeared. 

  
  
  


So John gave a small knock as he stepped into Gilbert and Hercules’ dorm. 

 

He found that the efforts the two had apparently made to clean had been in vain; the place was a disaster.

 

Gilbert made his way across the dorm to greet John, apparently unbothered by the clutter that he easily sidestepped. 

 

“Ah,  _ mon ami _ , has it been an eventful day? You had some, um, interesting conversations I'm sure? Tell me all about it.” As the high-energy Frenchman herded John toward the couch, he noticed Gilbert’s shirt was on inside out - a felony in the eyes of his meticulous taylor roommate.

 

As John sat down, Hercules emerged, and he himself even appeared to be in a bit of a disheveled shape - even more odd. 

 

John decided to let it go though on the premise that the two were staring at him like he might break down any minute. 

 

“What is with you two?” He glanced between them. “Are you high?” 

 

Both of them laughed, and Gilbert shook his head as the two took seats on either side of John. 

 

“No, but we've been talking about what happened at the party, and then subsequently at lunch yesterday.” Gilbert continued to look at John expectantly. 

 

“What do you want me to say?” He finally asked. 

 

“Well, have you two talked about it at all?” Hercules pressed. 

 

John was getting uncomfortable. “Talked about what? I still don't even know exactly what I said, beyond revealing my suspicions that Alex is afraid of storms-”

 

“Forget the storms, John, what about the other stuff you said? Surely Alexander wanted to speak on that?” Gilbert almost whined. “You two have to keep us in the loop.”

 

John shook his head. “Honest to God I have no idea what you're talking about - there is no loop to be in. What else did I say that's gotten you so interested?” He wondered aloud. 

 

Gilbert and Hercules exchanged a glance.

 

“You mean he really hasn't brought that up? “ Hercules asked. 

 

“Maybe he doesn't remember - he'd had a lot to drink at that point.” Gilbert speculated. 

 

John was growing frustrated. “Okay can you guys just explain what you're talking about please? What did I say?”

 

Gilbert chewed his lip. “Well,  _ mon ami, _ it was along the topic of our dear friend, as you know,” he began uncertainly.

 

“You made some comments, though most of us weren't really surprised,” Hercules chimed in.

 

There was a beat of silence.

 

“And?” John prompted, though he was fairly certain he knew the answer, and that made him sick to his stomach.

 

Gilbert shrugged his shoulders. “I guess nothing specific was said, barring some in depth comments about Alexander's eyes.” He joked. 

 

John frowned. “That's it? You guys got all excited because I was talking about his eyes?” 

 

“And, to quote, I believe you said he has a nice face.” Hercules chuckled to himself a bit. 

 

John was sure there was exactly one reason Alexander wouldn't have wanted to talk about that. That made the sick feeling return to his stomach. 

 

Silence lay thick over the three as Gilbert and Hercules’ joking smiles disappeared. 

 

After a few moments, John shook his head. “That doesn't make sense. What about thunderstorms?”

 

Gilbert frowned. “Thunderstorms?” He asked, uncertain. 

 

John nodded. “Alex said that I had said something dumb about thunderstorms.” He decided to spare the exact nature. 

 

“That rings a bell… you said you thought he was afraid of thunderstorms?” Gilbert raised an eyebrow. “But that was one comment, surrounded by you talking about how pretty everything he does is. Why would he remember that?”

 

John chewed his lip. Cat's outta the bag now. “If it were true. He would have been freaked out by it, probably didn't even dote on anything Else I said…” John thought about that for a moment; he'd revealed something as private as that, a fear which Alexander had evidently fought to keep hidden, without even giving it a second thought. 

 

“You're awfully quiet,” John thought Gilbert was talking to him at first, but looked up to find him suspiciously watching a fidgety Hercules. 

 

Hercules sighed. “I'm sworn to secrecy.” Gilbert's frown only deepened at this. 

 

“By whom? For what?” the frenchman demanded. 

 

Hercules only shook his head. “Did you miss the ‘secrecy’ part?”

 

Gilbert narrowed his eyes, giving Hercules a clear ‘I'm not letting this go’ look, before returning his attention to John, who was mulling over everything in his head. 

 

Gilbert placed a hand on John's knee. “Are you okay? What's going on up there?” He gestured toward John’s head. 

 

John lifted his gaze, a calculating look in his eyes. “I think I need to go,” He gave Gilbert a smile, as he stood. “Thanks for filling me in guys. See you.” He gave them each a small wave, before he was gone. 

 

He made his way outside, where the sun was dipping low towards the horizon, as gray clouds were moving in from a distance. 

 

He sifted through the day's events in his head, allowing himself to become very lost in thought as he took a seat on the edge of the fountain. 

  
  


Alexander tried to keep his own thoughts wandering to his absent roommate, but saw little success.

 

He thought about the way their dynamic had changed in the past few days, over something as stupid as his own fear.

 

He glanced out the window to find dark clouds threatening toward them, and cursed the weather silently. 

  
  
  


After a while of taking time to himself to be lost in his thoughts, John found the sun had begun to dip below the horizon. 

 

Reluctantly, he stood to head back to the dorm, hearing the distant murmurs of thunder.

  
  
  


When John walked in, Alexander gave a melodramatic sigh of relief. 

 

“Thank  _ God _ I was getting so  _ bored _ .” He whined, standing. 

 

John rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, life of the party right here.” He joked, plopping down on his bed.

 

Alexander nodded.

 

There it was again; the easy conversation that should have ensued, replaced by thick silence.

 

A few moments and neither spoke. Alexander returned to his desk chair, as John stood.

 

“I'm gonna take a shower,” He announced, heading towards the bathroom.

 

Alexander just nodded, turning to face his now closed laptop.

  
  


When John was finished, he returned to his own laptop, both boys passing time until night set in. 

 

John grew tired around ten (life of a college student; always exhausted)and checked social media one more time before plugging in his phone on his nightstand. 

 

“You turning in?” Alexander asked, turning his attention from his laptop to John. 

 

John nodded. “You aren't tired?” He was pretty certain that his roommate hadn't slept at all the night before. 

 

Alexander had burned through another monster while John was in the shower, and wasn't feeling it wear off just yet. He shook his head. “Not really. I've got some stuff to do anyway, so I'll be up a while.”

 

John knew what ‘a while’ really meant. “Hey, Alex?” 

 

“Hmm?” Alexander knew exactly what was coming. 

 

“Try to get some sleep, eh?” He suggested, an amused edge to his voice. “You know Lee's gonna have your ass if you fall asleep in his class again.”

 

Alex scoffed. “Lee's a tool. But you're right. After I finish this stuff up I'll pass out, don't worry.” And he meant it too.

 

John nodded, giving a slight smile as he situated himself in bed. “‘Night.”

 

“‘Night.” Alexander returned, peeling his gaze from his roommate and returning it to the screen of his laptop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some peace for a moment ( by a moment I mean like most of the fic now ^^') But don't worry, shit's gonna go down I think chapter 14 has quite a bit in store, and definitely 15 has some serious shit.
> 
> I wrote most of this on my phone, I've been gone a while because my friend just had to put down her dog, so I was staying at her house to be there for her, and so I didn't have my laptop ^^' But I'm trying to get back on a semi regular posting schedule?
> 
> Also, huge thank you to my editors - I don't know how y'all put up with that, but yeah... That.
> 
> Comments give me life! And also, come bother me on Tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid Or, to see some pretty art of these nerds, check out my art blog, @MissPrinceOfPastel


	13. There Was A Long Pause...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander avoids the confrontation for so long, but it catches up to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AGAIN I'M SORRY FOR THE ERRATIC POSTING.  
> Y'all are my lifeline though honestly. Like I said, 14 is gonna be intense. Are you ready? Because I'm ready.   
> There may have to be a trigger warning on it though...

Alexander was planning going to sleep after his paper, certainly. However, his brain had other plans. 

 

He finished up, making sure everything was in line, before closing his laptop and crawling into bed.

 

There he lay, as the clock passed midnight not long after he'd lay down.

 

There he lay, as one in the morning slipped past.

 

There he continued to lay until two-thirty when he couldn't lie still anymore.

 

So, with a quiet huff, he carefully removed his covers, hoping not to disturb John, and slid out the door in the direction of the library.

 

He sent a silent thanks to whoever thought it a wise plan to put a 24 hour library on a college campus, as he settled into a comfy chair with a book and a monster can.

  
  
  


When John awoke, Alexander was gone. Not out of the ordinary. 

 

John had a few classes scattered through the day, though his earliest was Math with Hercules at nine.

 

So, upon finding himself alone in his dorm at seven, he decided to shoot a text to his roommate instead.

 

**To: Damnilton    7:04am**

**where u at**

 

And he waited. A few moments later, a response.

 

**From: Damnilton    7:05am**

**Wow, the day has barely started and already you miss me? ;)**

 

And of course, he was the type to double text.

 

**From: Damnilton    7:05am**

**At the library ^3^**

 

The way Alexander texted never ceased to amaze John; when he wasn't even there he put butterflies in his stomach _. Stop that,  _ he thought, _ that's your best friend. _

 

**To: Damnilton    7:07am**

**K see u in a bit**

 

John decided he'd go bother Alexander until class.

  
  
  


When he made his way to the table Alexander usually sat at, he saw he'd taken to a squishy lounge chair not far from the spot.

 

“Hey,” Alexander closed the book he was reading, placing it down on a small coffee table, where a green can sat beside him.

 

John smirked. “I'm telling you man, you drink any more of those things you'll have a heart attack. It's a miracle you're still alive.”

 

Alexander scoffed. “And I'm telling  _ you, _ Lee really is gonna kill me if I fall asleep in his class again.” He joked.

 

“Ew you have to deal with him in the morning, huh?” John mused.

 

Alexander nodded. “Nine AM sharp, family consumer science.”

 

John scoffed. “What even is family consumer science?” He joked.

 

Alexander chuckled. “Beats me.” 

 

John shook his head. “Lee is a joke, but that still sucks.” 

 

Alexander nodded. “Who do you have in the morning?” 

 

John pressed his lips together. “Schuyler, actually. Your besties’ dad.” He smirked.

 

Alex nodded. “He's pretty cool as long as you stay on his good side. Which, by the way, you don't do by breaking his daughter's heart.”

 

John cringed. “Yeah I would imagine.” This was it. This was what had been missing; an ease of conversation that comes only from spending years together.

 

A few moments of comfortable silence ensued. 

 

At least, it was comfortable for John. 

 

Alexander didn't like this. It felt fake. It felt like they were making awkward small talk in a feeble attempt to sweep tension under the rug. 

 

And the quiet was something he didn't want to get used to between them.

 

An idea dawned on him, though to execute it immediately would be hopeless.

 

No, he would need time, this would take planning, writing like he never had, pouring his heart out and-

 

Thunder rolled outside, jarring him from his thoughts as a moment of panic gripped him. 

 

He was frozen, unable to collect himself and a hand landed on his knee, worsening the already jumbled condition of his thoughts. 

 

“Hey,” It was Johns voice. John. His best friend, who had recently figured out his fear because of moments like this. 

 

He met John's eyes, pushing add much panic as he could from his own. “I'm fine,” he managed, putting everything he had into looking the part.

 

John totally hadn't been staring at Alexander or anything, but he did see the momentary lapse, and was wondering how he could have not known, for so long,when it obviously affected his best friend so badly.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes after a moment. “Really,” He pushed Johns hand off his knee, despite the comfort in the touch. “ _ Fine. _ ” He insisted. 

 

John looked uncertain, but withdrew. “Okay. Well you wanna grab some breakfast?” then something occurred to him. “Pizza- we could order pizza.” He suggested. 

 

Alexander raised an eyebrow at him. “You wanna order pizza, for breakfast?” 

 

John shrugged. “Unless you wanna get caught in the rain?” He gestured to the window, where dark gray clouds blocked the sun, threatening rain. 

 

Alexander shrugged. “You have a point. Why not?” 

 

So the two returned to the dorm room, ordering a pizza for breakfast and sticking the leftovers in the fridge before Alexander had to hop in the shower before class. 

  
  
  


Staying awake in Lee’s class was a task lamented by most of the students. The guy wasn’t even that much older than a lot of the students, but he had a superiority complex to outdo any one of them.

 

Alexander was resting his head on his hand as he desperately tried to pay attention to what Lee was prattling on about, when a note slid onto his desk. 

 

He thought for a moment about how ridiculous it was that, even in college, he was still passing notes in class.

 

He unfolded the paper discreetly; it was from Gilbert, no surprise, and it was basically asking if he’d slept the night before.

 

Alexander artfully danced around the question, instead poking fun at their monotonous teacher.

 

They passed notes back and forth, Alexander struggling to stay awake in the cool room, for a while.

 

About three quarters of the way through the period, thunder rolled outside, and suddenly Alexander didn’t feel like sleeping anymore.

 

He glanced out the window at the corner of the room to see the sun had been completely blocked out by dark clouds, which now filled the sky, almost as if taunting Alexander with the promise of their release into his worst nightmare.

 

He realized he’d been staring, and quickly snapped back, as if he were paying full attention to whatever it was Lee was talking about (which he honestly didn’t catch any of).

 

He quickly scribbled a response to whatever it was Gilbert had said, in a way that would end their conversation, before putting all of his effort into looking like he was nonchalant, but also paying attention. Harder than it sounds.

 

And that’s how he spent the rest of the class. He tried desperately to pay attention, tried to look like he wasn’t having a panic attack.

 

He counted his breaths, wishing he could stop being like this, and pushed the storm from his mind as best he could.

 

And then class was over. He’d have to return to his dorm. To his roommate, who already worried about him  _ way _ too much, and now knew he had a problem with storms.

 

Before he could ponder this too long, Gilbert caught up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You feel alright  _ mon ami _ ? You don’t look too hot.”

 

Alexander scoffed. “Gee, thanks so much.” He’d meant it to come out teasing, but that wasn’t quite how it turned out. He sighed. “Sorry. But you all worry too much - I’m fine, really.” He gave Gilbert a smile, as earnest as he could manage, but the frenchman wasn’t buying it.

 

Gilbert frowned. “Okay, if you say so. You know we are here though, yes?” He withdrew his hand from Alexander’s shoulder.

 

Alex nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.” He gave a smirk. “Don’t go all sappy on me though, all right?” He raised an eyebrow.

 

Gilbert rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” He returned the smile, and the two parted ways, as Gilbert had another class.

 

Alexander released a breath. That wasn’t too hard. If he could get past Gilbert, he could get past John too. Besides, all he had to do was pop in and grab his laptop, taking it down to the library. John would take his momentary presence as a sign he wasn’t trying to avoid him, and then he wouldn’t have to be there too long either.

 

It was a foolproof plan, at least, so Alex thought.

 

When he returned to the dorm, John was hunched over a sketchpad, sitting on the floor. Why he didn’t draw at his desk would alway escape Alexander.

 

He looked up when Alex walked in. “Hey,” He offered.

 

Alexander gave a tight smile as distant thunder rolled in the sky. He glanced out the window in time to see white lightning lace through the clouds.

 

This might be harder than he expected.

 

When he looked back to John, the other student had followed his gaze, and worry had crept onto his face, though he tried his best to hide it; he knew it would only aggravate Alexander to see it.

 

Alex, however, was preoccupied in trying to hide his own unease.

 

Instead, he quickly broke eye contact as he made his way to his desk, scooping up his laptop.

 

“Headed to the library?” John asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

Alexander gave a curt nod, but said nothing.

 

John pressed his lips together. “Um, Alex?”

 

His roommate turned toward him. “Hmm?” 

 

“It’s not one yet. The library is closed.”  _ Rats. _

 

Alexander gave a mental facepalm, because he  _ knew _ the library closed Monday mornings for maintenance, between eight and one.

 

“Right.” Alexander moved back toward his desk, setting his laptop back down.

 

John noticed the way Alex visibly tensed when he realized he couldn’t go down to the library.

 

He understood that it was a place for him to relax, but this was something else.

 

Thunder rolled, and he saw his roommate tense more. _ Right. _

 

Alexander was waiting. He was waiting for a remark, an ‘are you alright?’, ‘what’s wrong?’ ‘I’m here for you,’, something along those lines. 

 

But nothing came.

 

John desperately wanted to say something too, but he wasn’t sure what he could say. He knew exactly what was happening, but he didn’t know how to help, or even if he could.

 

So the two sat there, no sound except for Alexander’s hands pecking away at the keys on his laptop.

 

After a few minutes, John tried to return to his drawing, but his heart was no longer in it.

 

So, instead, he moved to his own laptop, setting to work on a worksheet.

  
  
  


A bit of time passed, and Alexander had another class, so he left quietly.

 

John was absolutely dying. 

 

He shot a text to Gilbert.

 

**To: Baguette     10:06am**

**im dying**

 

That was all he was going to say. It warranted a quick response.

 

**From: Baguette      10:07am**

**???**

 

**From: Baguette      10:07am**

**drama queen? pls tell me ur bein a drama queen**

 

John shook his head.

 

**To: Baguette    10:08am**

**r u doin anything? we should hang**

 

John felt overwhelmingly whiny, and he knew Gilbert was the best person to whine to. 

 

**From: Baguette     10:09am**

**Sure. Omw in 5?**

 

John decided that should work fine. 

 

**To: Baguette     10:11am**

**Sounds like a plan. See u then.**

 

And with that, John closed his messages tab, beginning an aimless scroll through Facebook. 

  
  


It wasn't long, however, before Gilbert showed up. 

 

“Ay, what is this about the dying? I'd not think you one for drama,  _ mon ami. _ ”

 

John sighed over dramatically. “I think I went wrong somewhere.” 

 

Gilbert perked up an eyebrow. “Oh? You'll have to be more specific.”

 

John made a face. “I feel like my entire friendship was turned upside down in the past couple days.” he huffed, as Gilbert took a seat next to him on his bed. 

 

Gilbert shook his head. “How so? Have you guys been fighting?”

 

“No, it's not that simple. Fighting would be one thing, this… this is  something else.” John insisted. 

 

Gilbert waited patiently while John gathered his thoughts. 

 

After a moment, John spoke again. “I don't know how to explain it, other than to say it's different.”

 

Gilbert frowned. “Good different or bad different?”

 

John thought for a moment. “Bad different.” He decided; he didn't like the lack of easy conversation, or the awkwardness in their interactions. The two had always gotten along so well, and John didn't want that to change. 

 

Gilbert pressed his lips together. “Have you tried talking to him about it? Expressing these same concerns?”

 

John shook his head. “I don't know if that’d be a good idea.”

 

Gilbert crossed his arms. “And why not?”

 

John chewed his lip, as thunder rolled outside. “I don't know it just-there just isn't a good way to bring it up.”

 

Gilbert made a face. “You want things to get better, no?” He asked, an accusatory edge to his voice. 

 

John got the feeling this was a rhetorical question. “Yes,” he relented. 

 

Gilbert nodded. “Than talk to him. Be honest,” he stood. “It usually turns out better than you expect.” he started toward the door. 

 

John frowned. “You're gonna advise and run? You got a hot date?” 

 

Gilbert gave a sly smile. “Perhaps.” and he was gone. 

 

John sat there, confused, for a moment longer, before shaking his head; Gilbert could be weird sometimes. 

 

He stood, making his way to his desk where he opened his laptop to pass some more time.

  
  


As John screwed around, the weather outside deteriorated.

 

The clouds thickened, enough so that if you didn't know any better one might almost think it was nighttime, and a light drizzle of rain dripped from a melancholic sky.

 

John thought about Alexander, about what he'd recently learned and how the weather might be affecting him.

 

He grew antsy waiting for his roommates return.

 

Would he be angry if John said anything? Would he be frightened at the prospect of the dreary weather? Would he be upset? Would he cry? Would he laugh it off and act as though everything was fine?

 

The last option seemed the most likely, and also the most self-destructive, which was probably a pretty accurate description of John's best friend.

 

Finally, the other shoe dropped; the door clicked and Alexander bustled in.

 

He gave John a quick smile, shuffling past him to his desk.

 

“Hey, Alex?” John’s exasperation and concern came out more than he intended in the short phrase, and Alexander tensed, pausing mid-stride.

 

He turned toward John, a familiar ‘I knew this was coming just get it over with’ look on his face. “Yeah?” 

 

John chewed his lip. “Are you, you know, are you good?” 

 

Alexander nodded tightly. 

 

John pressed his lips together. “Are you  _ sure _ ? If you say yes, I'll leave you alone.” John assured him.

 

Alex started to nod, but stopped. 

 

He considered his options; he could say yes, John would probably keep to his word and let him be, or he could unload his exhausted, confused, irrational fearful mindset onto his best friend.

  
There was a long pause.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU SPELL 'CLIFFHANGER'?!  
> BECAUSE I CAN!  
> I'm evil sorry :) HUGE thank you to my editors for putting up with my Swype writing ^^' And a HUGE thank you to you guys for putting up with this story as long as you have - I think 14 has the action you were waiting for!
> 
> Come bother me on Tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid !


	14. Respira

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of the boys get a tad fed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACK*  
> I'm not sure if I need to put that there, but just in case ^^'  
> Yeah, I'm not ready. Are you ready? Because then you've already got me beat.
> 
> Huge shoutout to my editors for putting up with my bs! 
> 
> And to y'all for your nice comments! Honestly the only reason this fic is even still going (but that's a story for another time ^^)

After a moment, Alexander released a long breath. “Okay, no. I'm tired though, and I don't particularly want to go pull those skeletons out of my closet. So to surmise, I'm not  _ good _ , but I'm going to be, and right now I just want to take a nap.” Everything spilled out like that and he regretted none of it.

 

John certainly hadn't expected that. “O-okay. Get some sleep.” He gave a soft smile.

 

Alexander returned it, and plopped down onto his bed.

 

He only lay there a few minutes though, listening to the rain drumming against the window, before realizing he actually wasn't going to get any sleep with this weather.

 

Annoyed, he stood. “I'm gonna take a shower instead.” He announced, heading into the bathroom.

 

John nodded; he had wondered how his roommate was planning to sleep with his worst fear tapping on the window.

 

John considered their conversation; he had expected Alex to simply say ‘yeah, I'm fine.’ and press on, pretending it was true.

 

That said though, he was ecstatic that Alexander  _ had _ decided to share this.

 

He knew it was a little weird, something that was a bit off, but he worried about his friend.

 

Anyone who cared about him would; the guy was generally unhealthy, and mostly apathetic toward it.

 

John tried to shake his thoughts from Alexander, as he continued about his usual pointless time-wasting cycle on various social medias.

  
  


Alexander turned on the warm water, stepping into the stream.

 

He counted his breaths, closing his eyes and leaning against the shower wall.

 

The consistent drum of water droplets against his skin was a bit too familiar, as horrific images flashed through his mind with the rumble of thunder in the distance.

 

He mentally slapped himself, opening his eyes to find himself still in the shower, near his dorm room.

 

Not on Saint Croix.

 

He took a few more deep breaths, relaxing into the water as he went about his shower routine.

  
  


When he did come out of the shower, about forty minutes later, he felt much better.

 

Not so much that the rolling thunder or flashing lightning didn’t  _ affect _ him, but enough that he could handle it.

 

He stepped back into the dorm, and John gave him a smile. “Hey.” 

 

“Hey,” Alexander returned the smile, morphing into a smirk. “Aw, were you worried about me?” He mocked.

 

John rolled his eyes, a humorous glint in them. “You? That pretentious asshole I share a dorm with? Never.” He joked.

 

That earned a laugh from Alexander, and John had never been more pleased with himself as the other student took a seat on his bed.

 

The mood faded a bit though, and Alexander turned his gaze to the floor.

 

John chewed his lip for a moment, before closing the lid of his laptop and moving to sit beside Alexander, who flinched at the sound of thunder, and then cringed.

 

“Look, I - it really isn’t anything, it’s a super mild thing, I don't really even-”

 

John raised a hand, effectively silencing his friend. “Alex, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I just think - I thought it might help if I was - I don’t know, I thought it would help for me to be here.” He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “For you to  _ know _ I’m here for you.”

 

Alexander let out a laugh, though this one had an edge of bitterness. “Trust me, I know.” He ran a hand through his hair, and then over his face. 

 

There was a beat of silence between the two.

 

Then Alexander spoke again. “I’m sorry, that’s not fair. I just mean that everyone is always worrying about me, and it’s - it’s beyond humiliating, to a point where it’s just aggravating. I don’t - I know how to take care of myself.”

 

John perked up an eyebrow.

 

Alexander scoffed. “You know what I mean. It may not seem like it, but I have everything under control and I really don’t  _ need _ -” Thunder roared outside, and snapped Alexander’s full attention to the rain bombarding the window. “ _ Shit _ .” He shook his head, before turning back to John. “I don’t need to be taken care of.” He said it almost mockingly, giving a sigh.

 

John didn’t know what else to say. 

 

So there was quiet, filled only by the rain thumping the window, and every so often the rumble of thunder.

 

Alexander turned to look out the window again, watching, with a bitter taste in his mouth, as the rain slid down, here and there flashing with bright lightning.

 

The two boys sat that way for a while, silence between them growing heavier and heavier, as Alexander realized he still had several classes that day.

 

His next class he was  _ really _ looking forward to; he had it with Jefferson. Joy.

 

John pressed his lips together, realizing he also had a few more classes, most of which were at times that criss crossed with Alexander’s in a way that left them not seeing each other for almost the rest of the day. Great.

 

He said nothing though, enjoying the solitude of this moment, catching a glimpse of the analogue clock mounted on their wall, promising he had class in less than ten minutes.

 

Alexander noticed John glancing uncertainly at the clock, and sighed, shrugging off his roommate’s hand (and immediately missing the contact). “Get ready for class, you oaf.” He made an attempt to lighten the mood, giving John a smug smile.

 

John returned the look. “Right.” He patted Alexander’s shoulder sending heat through the other student’s whole side, as he stood. “See you after class.” 

 

Alexander nodded, moving to his desk. “I won’t be here when you get back, you know that.” He threw John a smug look.

 

John just rolled his eyes. “I know - you know what I meant.” He scoffed. “See you tonight .” 

 

“That a promise or an invitation?” Alexander smirked, and John felt his face heat up, earning a laugh from his roommate.

 

He sputtered for a few moments, but it was useless; Alexander was just laughing. “Go!” He waved him off, and John made a face, but left.

 

Alexander laughed to himself for a moment longer, before returning to his work.

 

The longer he was in the dorm by himself though, the smaller it seemed. He’d never considered himself claustrophobic by any means, but suddenly it felt as if all the walls were pressing toward him.

 

He closed his eyes, counting his breaths carefully.

 

It wasn’t working. His breaths didn’t even out. He desperately tried to get enough air in his lungs, without success.

 

The pattering of rain, the rumbling of the thunder, it was too much. There were too many things happening for him to breathe properly.

 

His breathing sharpened until he was gasping quietly, he squeezed his eyes shut tight, placing a hand over his chest.

 

He tried to count his breaths, but suddenly he couldn’t think of the proper numbers. Fours and twos and eights swam in his head, he was having trouble getting his thoughts in line.

 

And then his alarm went off.

 

The sharp, clear, consistent chime ripped him back to the present, his eyes flying open.

 

With shaky hands, he shut off the alarm, remembering the breath count; in, two three four, hold two three four, out, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

 

With this exercise, he regained control of himself, glad no one had been around to see that.

 

With a shake of his head, he went to the restroom to freshen up before class.

 

He decided one comment from Jefferson would make him lose it in this state, so he cooled down for a minute.

 

After regaining himself, he clicked off the ringer on his phone and headed into class.

  
  


When he reached the door, as expected, Jefferson had a smug look, though he was devoid of Madison, which put him off only slightly.

 

“Hamilton!” He made a piteous face. “Is wittle baby doing okay in the stormy-warmy?” He teased.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes, giving Jefferson a disgusted look. “Grow the fuck up.”

 

“Oh! It barks.” Jefferson laughed, turning and heading into the class.

 

Angelica caught up to Alexander, a compassionate look on her face. “Hey.”

 

Alexander set his jaw, biting back a harsh comment. “Can you not?” He opted for, in the calmest tone he could manage.

 

She shook her head. “I’m just worried. We all are.”

 

Alexander threw his head back in exasperation. “Oh my god, I’m  fine.” He assured her. Upon meeting her eyes, he regretted his harsh words. “Sorry, I’m just a little done with this today.” He took a breath.

 

She nodded. “Apology accepted.” She decided, nudging him with her shoulder. “But you know I’m here if you need to talk.”

 

He gave her a look.

 

She raised her hands defensively. “Hey, that’s all I’m saying. Matter dropped.” She gave a smirk. “You didn’t really think I was gonna get all emotional on you.”

 

He scoffed. “What, my favorite sister? Never.” 

 

She made a face. “Don’t call me your sister. It’s weird.”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Whatever you say, Angie. Love you too.” He blew her a kiss as the two split ways to go to their seats.

  
  
  


After the class, Alexander was even more exhausted than he had been, and despite it not even being two in the afternoon, he was ready for bed.

 

Despite this, he doubted sleep would even grace him in the nighttime, let alone now.

 

So he returned to the dorm, physically and emotionally spent, to be there by himself for about two hours before he had to go to his own next class, at which point John would return to the dorm.

 

With a sigh, he plopped down into his desk chair, opening his laptop.

 

He remembered the thing he’d thought of earlier, in the library, and decided to start on that.

 

So, he opened a word document.

  
  


Before he knew it, his next alarm was chiming.

 

He had to go deal with Hercules and Gilbert for his next class, and that was not going to be easy; seperate, they were obstacles. But together? They were like the boss fight of a mother you wish you didn’t have.

 

He steadied himself in the mirror for a bit, getting a handle on flinching, anticipating the thunder, waiting for it, so it couldn’t possibly catch him off guard.

 

Once he felt collected enough, he made his way to his next class.

  
  


Sure enough, as soon as he reached the door, the two came up to him.

 

“How you holdin’ up?” Hercules asked, voice low, as if anyone on the campus didn’t know at this point, with Jefferson’s big mouth.

 

Alexander sighed. “I’m  _ fine, _ and I think if I have to tell one more person that today I’ll bash their head in with the nearest blunt object.”

 

Gilbert looked like he was about to say something, but Alex turned his gaze on the frenchman, a look in his eyes that said ‘that doesn’t exclude my friends’. He remained silent.

 

Alexander offered a tight smile. “Great. Can we move past that now?” To accentuate his point, he pushed between the two and into the classroom.

 

He was actually looking forward to this class though, since it was his favorite teacher.

 

He smiled to Washington as he made his way to his seat, and the professor just gave him a nod, with that worried furrow that seemed permanently set in his brow.

  
  


The class passed, to Alexander’s relief, without any further discourse, and he returned to the dorm, once again alone with his thoughts.

 

He was determined not to repeat his earlier ‘episode’ or whatever, and kept his breathing in check, even being by himself.

 

Instead, he reopened the document he’d been working on when this had happened, and continued to write

  
  


John was fed up. Several people had apologized to him today. Apologized. To  _ him _ . 

 

A few others had asked how ‘his friend’ was, at least acting concerned for  _ Alexander, _ but at least five separate people had said things like ‘This must be so hard for you,’ and ‘How are you holding up?’. It was pissing him off.

 

So when Gilbert approached him before class, he was about done.

 

“Hey, so I talked to Alexander-”

 

“Oh? Really? You talked to him? Amazing! You talked to one of your best friends, congratulations!” John grumbled.

 

Gilbert crossed his arms. “I’m a little done being reprimanded today-”

 

“Oh you’re done being reprimanded?  _ You’re _ done? Sorry I didn’t take how _ you _ felt into account.” He regretted the words before they even left his mouth.

 

Gilbert looked taken aback, even a little genuinely offended.

 

“Jeez, I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I really didn’t mean it.” He shook his head. “I’m really tired.”

 

Gilbert shook his head. “You two really are peas in pod, no?” He smiled. “It’s okay, I understand.”

 

John let out a sigh. “I’m tired of hearing people tell me they’re sorry today - I just had to open my big mouth at that party.” He ran a hand down his face.

 

Gilbert let a chuckle slip out. “Hey, he seemed pretty okay when I saw him, if that makes you feel any better. Pissed, but okay.”

 

John stopped in his tracks, slowly turning to face Gilbert. 

  
“I know.” He said quietly, before continuing to class, Gilbert trailing uncertainly behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeaaah, they're both kinda like "can we moVE ON ALREADY?!"
> 
> I bet you guys feel THAT sentiment ^^' Don't worry though, 15 has SHIT in store, because they're finally getting SICK of dancing around stuff!
> 
> Come bother me on Tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid


	15. More Metaphors For A Shitty Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John are finally starting to regain 'normal'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO   
> I KNOW I SAID SHIT WOULD GO DOWN IN THIS CHAPTER BUT UM THE THING IS I Had to split it in two because otherwise this chapter would've had to be super long bUT I'M ALMOST DONE WITH 16 AND THERE'S SOME DRAMA WORTH WAITING I PROMISEI'MSORRY
> 
> Also, huge thank you to my editors, turns out one of them is on here! (I'm an unsophisticated old lady and don't know how to tag ppl so I'll leave a link to their account in the end notes y'all should check them out!)

When Alexander finished up his final class of the day, it was nearing seven at night, and John would be in the dorm.

 

The storm was still raging outside, and he didn’t particularly feel like facing John in that moment.

 

Instead, he decided to go down to the library; there he could study, hopefully, and not be distracted by the tension between him and his roommate.

 

There he planned on staying, but soon enough the words were swimming off the pages and his head was drooping.

 

With a sigh, he headed back to his dorm room, checking the time to find it wasn’t even eight.

 

When he opened the door, John gave a small smile, trying (and failing) to play off the relief that was evident in his eyes. “Hey.” He greeted casually.

 

“Hey.” Alexander returned, closing his eyes as thunder rolled again; he was about ready to be done with this day.

 

He was exhausted from his two nights not sleeping, on top of that he was probably caffeine crashing pretty hard, and he was having trouble keeping his emotions in check.

 

“You good?” It felt like a code word now, like something particular to this situation.

 

Alex gave him a small smile. “I just want to sleep, so, wake me before the semester’s over.” He prompted.

 

John returned his smile. “Okay. Sweet dreams.” He teased.

 

Alexander nodded. Boy, had it been a day.

 

He plopped into bed, but was certain he wouldn’t actually sleep.

 

To his surprise, and probably due to severe sleep deprivation, he drifted off fairly quickly.

 

That wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

 

Not long after he drifted off, the sounds of the thunderstorm inspired his dreams.

 

He was running. Running as fast as he could, but the road was slippery wet, the wind was pushing him back, and someone was screaming.

 

A woman, a woman was screaming for his help, but he was running the other direction.

 

And then it was too dark to see, he could only see shapes, and they moved and the rain was so  _ heavy _ he could barely stand, as he tried to run from something that was quickly catching up to him.

 

He yelled out, he reached for the woman, trying to grab her hand, but he couldn’t see her; it was too dark.

 

She cried for his help, called him a coward, and he tried to run to her, but there was a big dark figure in between them.

 

He ran the other way, hoping this dark figure wouldn’t catch him, but he couldn’t move; he slipped and fell.

 

And then he was crawling, and he went under something so the rain couldn’t reach him.

 

But the thing he was under, it was too low; he got stuck. It was pressing against him and he couldn’t breathe.

 

He wanted to struggle to get free, but that shadow might see him if he did.

 

So he lay there, silently, while this huge weight pressed against him.

  
  


He blinked sleep from his eyes, quickly sitting up and scanning his surroundings; John was watching him from his own bed, with his eyebrows in a worried furrow.

 

Alex sighed. “Don’t say what I think you’re gonna say.” He rubbed his eyes.

 

John pressed his lips together. “Take it you didn’t sleep too well?”

 

“Thus far? No. But you bet your ass I’m going back to sleep.” He decided.

 

“Um, that might be an issue.” John said.

 

Alexander raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

 

John nodded. “You have class in an hour.”

 

Alexander’s jaw dropped. “Wait- it’s morning?”

 

“Well, that was the implication.” John laughed.

 

Alexander didn’t know whether to be amazed or horrified; he hadn’t slept a full night like that for a long time, certainly not without waking up.

 

He flashed John a bright smile. “Well, I’ll just have to make do then.”

 

His smile faltered when thunder rolled, but quickly returned; he was in a genuinely good mood. It felt great.

  
  


Alexander approached his first class of the day with a newfound determination; he would get through this storm, and in the process stomp out any rumors started by that party, be they true as they were.

 

Eliza Schuyler greeted him at the door. “You're in a good mood today, remarkable considering what I heard from Angelica yesterday.” She gave him a smirk.

 

He gave her a sheepish smile. “I said I was sorry,” He grumbled, earning a laugh from Eliza.

 

“She wasn't mad, in fact, I think she was just glad you were okay.” Her smirk morphed into a softer smile. “We all are.”

 

Alex huffed. “You know she used that too, said ‘we all are’, who, exactly, is ‘we’?” 

 

Eliza crossed her arms. “Your  _ friends _ . Believe it or not, you have those. And we worry. A lot.” 

 

He scoffed. “Don't gotta tell me twice.” the smirk returned to his lips though. “I love you all dearly for it.” he said melodramatically, earning an eye roll from the other student.

 

“Get in there, playa.” She returned, half shoving him into the classroom.

  
  
  


The rest of the class period was nothing extraordinary, as they went through the actual work and such. 

 

Afterwards, however, Alexander checked his phone to find a missed text from John. 

 

**From: Roarens     11:03am**

**Having lunch w Gilbert n Herc at 12, join us?**

 

Alexander knew John would be heading to class about now, but shot him back a text anyway. 

 

**To: Roarens      11:04am**

**I'm down, usual place?**

 

He started back toward the dorm, determined to finish his plan before the week was out.

 

John texted back to confirm, before Alex let himself get lost in his writings. 

  
  


John was glad to fall back into rhythm with his friends. He left class excited, at about 11:40, to head back to his dorm and collect Alexander before lunch. 

 

When he reached the dorm, however, he found his roommate oddly still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHECK MY RAD EDITOR http://archiveofourown.org/users/keekee1066
> 
> Also, come yell hamilton lyrics at me on tumblr! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid


	16. Fight Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in Paradise for Alexander and John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACK/BREAKDOWN*  
> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE*  
> Sorry guys, I spoiled it a bit, but pls keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, because this is a dangerous ride...

He sat in his usual place, back to the door, at his desk with his laptop open. 

 

Something was different though. Keys didn't click; he want typing, just sitting there. 

 

“Hey,” John masterfully came out nonchalant, despite the worry rising in his chest, only building on Alexander's silence. 

 

“Alex?” He moved tentatively toward his roommate. 

 

No response. 

 

Thunder rolled. 

 

John moved to where he could see his roommate’s face, and only grew more alarmed. 

 

Alexander was alarmingly pale, with a bead of sweat on his forehead. His eyes were shut tight, and he was trembling. 

 

“Hey, Alexander? Can you hear me?” John coaxed gently.

 

No response. Lightning lit the window.

 

John wondered if contact would be good or bad.

 

He decided it was a 50/50 chance, so he took it; he gently placed a hand on Alexander's shoulder.

 

As soon as the contact initiated, Alex’s eyes flew open, and he took a small, sharp breath.

 

His  dark eyes darted wildly, before meeting John’s, where the emotion changed to something shameful, only to be rebuked by the sharp clap of thunder, prompting him to close his eyes again. 

 

“Hey, Alexander, hey, listen to me,” John moved so he was crouching in front of Alexander, shifting to take both of Alex’s hands in his. “You're safe. At college, in New York, with me, okay? Now I need you to do something for me, alright? Can you do something for me real quick?”

 

Alexander had a million things he wanted to say, but words failed him. So he opened his eyes again, meeting John’s sincere green ones, and gave a nod.

 

John gave him a smile - that smile that could melt the blackest of hearts - and continued. “Good. Awesome. Now what I want you to go is breathe with me, mmkay? And we’re gonna count, kay? So we're gonna go in through the nose, two, three, four, and out through the mouth, two, three, four.” he repeated this a few times, all the while holding eye contact with Alex.

 

It was so easy to follow when someone else did it; in and out, nice and slow, and pretty soon Alexander was aware of himself enough to be properly ashamed of his episode.

 

After a few minutes, he gave a sigh and retracted his hands from John's, to both of their displeasures, to drop his face into them. 

 

“Oh my God.” He exclaimed through his hands.

 

John was kind of horrified; he'd just seen his best friend have some sort of escalated panic attack, and now was watching him hang his head in shame.

 

Alex lifted his head, eyes still closed and brows furrowed. “I'm sorry,” he opened his eyes. “I'm  _ really _ sorry - it was just - with all the- I didn't mean-”

 

“You're sorry?” John was stuck on that one.

 

Alex wouldn't meet his eyes.

 

“Alexander Hamilton, I swear to God…” John couldn't even find the words for how much that  _ bothered _ him. “What, exactly, are you sorry for?” he crossed his arms, silently willing Alex to meet his eyes, but to no avail. 

 

“For - for  _ that _ .” He replied, like it should be obvious. 

 

John continued to stare down his roommate, who squirmed under his gaze. “For what?” he repeated, more conviction in his voice this time. “Because what I just saw? That's called a panic attack. It's usually a symptom of circumstantial or trauma-induced anxiety, and, by definition, can be manifested in a physical manner, making it very difficult or impossible to breathe properly, to think clearly, and, in extreme cases, usually those linked to a traumatic event, to speak or even hear. Would you say that is an accurate description of what just happened?”

 

Alexander was shaking his head, eyes glued to his lap. “John it's-”

 

“Would you say, Alexander, that that is an accurate description of what just happened?” John’s eyes bore into Alex, who finally built up the courage to meet them.

 

“Yes, however-”

 

“Nope! That's it. Beyond your control, also known as, not your  _ fault _ .”John’s expression softened. “Okay?”

 

But Alexander wasn't finished with this discussion. “No, not okay. Panic attack or no,  _ I _ should have a handle on myself. And going beyond that-” Thunder boomed, and Alexander flinched. “ _ Beyond _ that,” he continued. “It certainly should not be made the responsibility of others, regardless. My problem, my stupid fear,  _ my _ responsibility to fix.” he finished, eyes alight with determination, only a thin wall to fall away to fear.

 

John returned the intense look. “It doesn't have to be.” 

 

Alexander's look was slowly turning into a glare. “No, you're absolutely right, I have several people waiting in line to carry my baggage for me, but guess what? That's shitty. Foisting off your problems, on someone else, is shitty.”

 

John's voice was starting to raise. “Not if those people are your friends! Sometimes, people genuinely  _ want _ to help, and they certainly don't want to thinking that you have to do everything alone.”

 

Alexander's voice reached just louder than John’s, as he let out a bitter laugh. “Oh, that's how you get into emotional manipulation, but we won't even touch on that topic.” He spat, and John could have imagined it, but he swore that Alexander’s voice cracked.

 

John glared him down. “Emotional manipulation? You think sharing your burdens entitles emotional manipulation?!” The boys were yelling now.

 

“If that burden is yours to carry, convincing someone else they have to? That it's their responsibility - that's like the dictionary  _ definition _ of emotional abuse!” he shouted, breathing heavier than he should’ve been.

 

John stood, so he was looming over Alexander in his chair. “Oh, now it's graduated to  _ abuse _ ? Do you even fucking hear yourself?! That's ridiculous!”

 

Alex stood as well. “I'm ridiculous? That's nice, coming from the guy who is straight  up  _ promoting _  emotional codependancy!” Now there was no question about it; his voice definitely cracked. John was too angry to care.

 

John turned away, running running a hand over his face. “I can  _ not _ believe I'm hearing this from you!”

 

Alexander’s jaw dropped. He took a moment to form a response. “You- from  _ me _ ? What's _that_ supposed to mean?!” he crossed his arms over his chest, breathing sharp and ragged.

 

John met his eyes, and a look of realization crossed his face. “I didn't mean- that wasn't what I meant, you know that.”

 

Alexander set his jaw. “It sure as hell sounded like it!” John must have imagined this, but he thought he saw the beginnings of tears forming in his roommate's eyes.

 

John scoffed. “You just  _ have _ to read into everything don't you?”

 

“Any more personality flaws of mine you'd like to point out while we're at it?” Alexander spat.

 

“Oh my God, don't go there.” John huffed.

 

Alexander opened his mouth to say something he was sure he'd regret, but his phone went off.

 

He moved to the desk where it lay, to see a text from Gilbert. He wiped his eyes inconspicuously as he did so, annoyed with himself for being so easily upset.

 

**From: French Fry    12:21pm**

**where u at**

 

“Shit…” Alex muttered, before turning his gaze backup to John. “We’re missing lunch.”

 

John bit his lip. “Right. Let's go.” It was cold and harsh, not warranting a response.

 

Alexander shot Gilbert a quick text letting him know they were on their way, before heading into the bathroom to collect himself, before following John.

 

When the two reached their place(Alexander silently thanking God that the rain had subsided for the moment), there was an expectant silence to greet them.

 

Gilbert gave John a look, like some big inside joke between them, and he was about ready to stand up and leave.

 

More silence.

 

Hercules glanced between Alexander and John, raising an eyebrow. “You two are awfully quiet.” He pointed out.

 

Both boys shrugged half heartedly.

 

Hercules frowned. 

 

“Something isn’t right about this.” Gilbert gestured to the air between them. “What happened?” He asked.

 

Neither student spoke, both waiting for the other with an annoyed look.

 

“You two are fighting.” Hercules pointed out, looking like he’d seen a ghost.

 

Gilbert nodded, same expression creeping onto his face. “Why are you two fighting?” 

 

“We’re not.” John said simply, earning an incredulous scoff from Alex.

 

“Right. Totally.” He looked at John with a look that said ‘really?’.

 

  
Gilbert crossed his arms. “Are you fighting, or not?” He asked, obviously more confused by the exchange.

 

Alexander said “We’re not.” at the same time as John said, “We are.”, and then John whirled on Alex.

 

“Oh so now we aren’t? Make up your damn mind.” John huffed.

 

Alexander scoffed. “Me? You changed your answer like  _ that _ .” He snapped his fingers when he said ‘that’.

 

John crossed his arms. “Oh my God, you’re voice, when you’re like this, is like sandpaper.”

 

Alex made a face. “‘Like this’? And just what is that supposed to mean?”

 

John looked up to the ceiling. “Why do you always ask that? Aren’t you supposed to be, like, good with words?”

 

Alexander physically bit his tongue. “I am  _ not _ going to dignify that with a response.”

 

“You just did.” John murmured.

 

“Why are you  _ so _ passive aggressive?!” Alex huffed. “Like, every other word is a passive aggressive remark. Can you just not?”

 

“Guys, calm down.” Hercules tried to diffuse, as a few around the cafe took note of the dispute.

 

Alexander clenched his jaw, as John tapped his fingers against his arm.

 

The booth was quiet.

 

John and Alexander both stared stubbornly at nothing in particular, and Gilbert couldn’t help but think they looked rather like upset toddlers.

 

Their food arrived.

 

As the silence dragged on, Alexander couldn’t help but feel bad; he knew he was being unreasonable. He was still mad about their earlier discussion, but he knew he had to move past it, in that moment he just didn’t feel like he could.

 

John was starting to feel guilty too; he knew he was instigating, but he was too stubborn to ever admit that.

 

So both sat there, stewing, as Gilbert and Hercules exchanged uneasy glances.

 

Not since the two had met John and Alexander in high school had they fought, not like this.

 

Sure, they debated, but it was mostly over politics, and neither took those discussions personally.

 

So this, them actually being upset with one another? It was worrying. Especially when Gilbert had thought they were so close to finally getting their heads out of their asses and getting together.

 

Apparently not.

 

Alexander tried to steal a discreet look at John, hoping he could read his expression, but he couldn’t get a good look at his face without being conspicuous.

 

He wouldn’t back down. Not this time. Not when they were disagreeing over something this important. 

 

John was swaying; he didn’t want to be fighting with his best friend, and he never had before, so he wasn’t even sure how to deal with it.

 

Then again, he was stubborn as all hell, no way he was backing down from a potential fight. So, they were at a stalemate.

 

After the awkward lunch was over, the two were not exactly excited to go spend the next several hours together.

 

Alexander, upon a glance to the window, caught his breath; the rain had certainly picked back up, nickel-sized droplets pelting the ground and assaulting the passerby’s always hurrying to get somewhere in the big city.

 

He hadn’t realized he’d been hyperventilating, until a hand rested on his shoulder; it was John.

  
They made eye contact for  no more than a second before Alexander broke away, rushing to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY   
> I KNOW THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY  
> Sorrynotsorry it was so fun >:D  
> So that happened...  
> Come whine to me on Tumblr? @New-Kind-Of-Stupid
> 
> Comments actually give me life guys - Oh and this fic broke 100 pages today! Woot woot!


	17. He Couldn't Avoid Him Forever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander is getting more and more tired of being coddled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACK/BREAKDOWN*  
> I'm sorry guys... I'm kind of evil...
> 
> Also, I keep trying to put more Herc and Gilbert and it keeps not happening, so... Yeah.

He leaned on the sink, head suddenly spinning.

 

His vision pulsed in and out and he glared at his reflection in the mirror, gripping the edges of the porcelain sink until his knuckles were white.

  
  


When Alexander rushed off, John immediately stood to follow him, but was stopped by Gilbert. “I think we should give him a minute.” He decided.

 

Hercules pursed his lips. “And I don’t think you should talk to him, John.”

 

John whirled on the taller man. “Excuse me?”

 

Hercules raised his hands. “I’m just saying, maybe Laf or I should talk to him first.”

 

John continued to give him a death stare. 

 

“Look, whatever happened between you, it’s none of my business. But obviously, you aren’t on the best terms, so maybe someone whose every word doesn’t aggravate him, would be a better choice.” Herc pointed out frankly.

 

Gilbert nodded. “He is right,  _ mon ami _ .” He turned to Herc. “I’ll go talk to him.” He patted John on the shoulder, but the other student just pouted.

  
  


Alexander was desperately trying to stop the world from spinning around him, eyes closed, when the bathroom door opened. 

 

He considered the possibility that a stranger could have just walked in, but ignored it.

 

He didn’t even acknowledge the other person until hands dropped onto his shoulders.

 

His eyes shot open, to see Gilbert’s reflection in the mirror, standing behind him, rubbing his shoulders.

 

And his mouth was moving; he was talking. Not a word of it reached Alexander over the ringing in his ears.

 

Alex just shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut again, and the hands started rubbing his upper arms.

 

The contact was grounding, and he started to pull back into reality. 

 

“...Gonna be fine,” Gilbert was saying. “You’re gonna be alright, everything is gonna be cool, just breathe,  _ mon petit lion _ ,” 

 

And he was trying to breathe, but breaths didn’t feel like they were reaching the bottom of his lungs.

 

“Alexander, dear, can you hear me?” Gilbert asked, not stopping his hands.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine-” He shrugged off Gilbert’s hands, turning to face the Frenchman. “Yeah - no - I’m good.” He wasn’t good though. His heart was pounding against his ribs, he felt as if he’d just gotten off of a merry-go-round, and his ears were still ringing.

 

On top of all that, he was humiliated. Here he was, having another breakdown, relying on someone to bring him down from it again.

 

Gilbert crossed his arms. “No you aren’t.” He said, almost sounding offended.

 

Alexander chewed his lip. “Just - give me like five seconds, God.” He sighed, rubbing his thumb knuckles over his eyes, trying to erase any sign of tears that tried to escape.

 

He took a few shaky breaths, shaking his head all the while. 

 

After a few moments, he opened his eyes, head clear as it would get at this point in time, and made eye contact with Gilbert for only a moment, before walking past him to the door.

 

“Tell me someone brought an umbrella?” He huffed, as he rejoined the others.

 

Hercules and John both had.

 

Alexander, because he was exhausted and kind of done with this day that had started so well, opted for walking under Hercules’ umbrella.

 

He didn’t want to talk to John.

 

He tried to keep himself in check, taking a deep breath before they stepped out into the wretched weather.

 

It was pretty much hopeless though. His heart thudded against his ribs, pounding in his ears and making it hard to walk straight.

 

His breathing became labored once more, and he pressed on anyway, forcing his breathing, painfully, to even out.

 

He couldn’t quite get it though.

 

His breath was just a bit out of the ordinary, his heartbeat just a little too loud.

 

A big hand landed on his shoulder, and only then he realized that Hercules had asked him a question. “What?” It came out short, a little annoyed.

 

“Are you cool, man?” He asked.

 

Alex gave a sigh. “I’m  _ fine _ .” He lied. The day wasn’t even halfway over, and he was ready for it to be done.

 

He only had one other class the rest of the day too.

 

When they returned to the dorm building, he and John went back to their dorm together, and neither said a word.

 

They went about their own business, not speaking to one another.

 

John wanted to. The longer he didn’t, the more he wished he had before, because the longer it went on, the harder it would be.

 

But he said nothing. At three, Alexander departed for his final class of the day, without saying a word.

 

He didn’t come back to the dorm afterward.

 

Five o’clock passed.

 

Six o’clock passed.

 

The sun went down (not that you could really tell, through the storm clouds).

 

Seven, eight and nine o’clock passed.

 

Midnight passed, and he still hadn’t returned. That’s when John went to sleep.

 

His sleep was riddled with guilt-driven nightmares, and not very satisfying.

  
  


Alexander didn’t sleep at all that night. He went to the library, opened up his laptop, and wrote.

 

He wrote, and he wrote, and he wrote until it was Wednesday, and his alarm for Government went off, at noon.

 

He stopped by a vending machine to grab a monster, chugged it, and continued to class.

 

This was how most of Alexander’s Wednesday went; he knew John’s schedule as well as he knew his own, so he just avoided the dorm when John wasn’t in class. 

 

If he knew John was in class, he’d pop in, grab some things (phone charger, laptop, monsters, etc.), but he didn’t hang out.

 

He shifted from place to place. Even found a new corner in the library, in case John decided to seek him out.

  
  


When John noticed Alexander’s things rearranging when he wasn’t there, that’s when he knew for sure; his best friend was avoiding him. And very well.

 

Wednesday passed, making more than a full day he hadn’t seen his roommate. John was starting to go into panic mode.

 

What if they didn’t fix this? What if one dumb conversation had ruined their whole friendship? What if John had screwed up too bad to fix this time? And why had Alexander taken that conversation so personally anyway? Was he upset because of something he’d experienced? No, John would certainly know if Alexander had been in a codependant relationship. Besides, the only real relationship he’d had was with Eliza Schuyler, and she was the sweetest thing ever.

  
  


Alexander had the same plan Thursday, but his schedule disagreed; he had a class, at four, with John.

  
He couldn’t avoid him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SAID I WAS SORRY.
> 
> Also, the next chapter will be a while because I have to completely rewrite 18 and 19, so yeah...
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this fic! You guys are the reason I have the energy to rewrite 2 chapters!
> 
> I'm also sorry that the chapter titles have pretty much just become the last line in the chapter like oops but oh well.
> 
> Come yell at me on tumblr (Also, send me prompts n stuff )! @New-Kind-Of-Stupid


	18. Love Me, Hate Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no more avoiding it; let's talk about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IT WAS SO LONG I had to rewrite this WHOLE CHAPTER and then also I have theater starting and I just got a new pet so my life has been a bit off the walls and I keep not writing but I hope this satisfies you for a bit while I work on 19!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented/continues to comment I have to tell you honestly it's so helpful and inspires me to keep writing so even if you've commented on every single freakin chapter if you got something to say say it I LOVE hearing from you guys!
> 
> So, without further ado, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, ride at your own risk, have fun!

He dreaded the class the whole day, wondering if he’d only made things worse by avoiding John, but still unwilling to make an effort to reach out to him.

 

When four rolled around, his anxiety had built up to a point he considered compromising his perfect record by cutting class.

 

That would have John flipping his shit, and he kind of deserved it.

 

You shouldn’t make light of that type of thing; it’s a real problem and a lot of people suffer daily under an emotionally abusive/manipulative significant other/friend.

 

But Alexander wouldn’t mar his record over something as childish as avoiding confrontation. Since when did he avoid confrontation anyway? 

 

Alexander Hamilton thrived on conflict, he lived for arguing, excelling, challenging things he didn’t have a reason not to.

 

He could do this. This was his best friend. He was going to explain why he was wrong, John would see his error, and the two would be fine. They’d only be friends, but at least they’d be that.

 

So, he pressed down the hall, seeing a familiar mop of dark curls at the end of the hall, and did he look like  _ shit _ .

 

John’s hair was tied back in a ponytail, but several curled locks were loose, his clothes weren’t quite straight, and he looked straight up distraught.

 

“You look like  _ hell _ .” John jumped when Alexander approached him.

 

John was so shell-shocked, he couldn’t speak.

 

He’d half thought Alexander would skip the class, if only for the purpose of not seeing him.

 

But here he was, making casual comments, and smiling that smug way he did when John was speechless.

 

John sputtered a minute longer, and Alexander waited patiently as he searched for words.

 

Finally, he collected his thoughts. “You avoid me for two days, and all you have to say, is that I look like hell?” He knit his eyebrows, and Alex shrugged.

 

“I guess it is.” He went into the classroom

 

John started to run after his friend. “Wait-” But he was cut off by the Teacher Glare, and slunk to his own seat.

 

Alexander’s seat was two rows down, and one over from his, so he was able to watch him without looking odd.

 

Not that he did, he didn’t watch the way Alexander tapped the desk with all of his fingers, or the way he constantly readjusted in his seat.

 

He also didn’t watch the way, every now and then, he paused his tapping to run a hand through his hair, or scribble something down in his notebook.

 

John certainly did not watch the way he chewed his lip, when he turned his head far enough for John to see, pulling just the corner into his mouth in concentration.

 

He didn’t watch any of that.

  
  


After class, Alexander took a deep breath. He glanced out the window before he left the classroom, seeing the dark clouds that continued to hang heavy over the campus.

 

Alexander shook his head, and when he turned toward the door, he saw John watching him.

 

John gave a smile, before dropping his gaze.

 

Alexander sighed; better get this over with.

 

So he walked over, grabbed John’s hand and pulled him along.

 

John didn’t protest, following his roommate uncertainly, until the two reached their dorm and closed the door behind them.

 

As soon as it was shut, Alexander whirled on John, who had been about to speak but lost his words when he met his roommate’s eyes; the determination in them, the way his mouth was pulled in a tight line, made John’s stomach do The Thing and he wanted to die.

 

“Before you say anything, stop; I’m sorry. Not to say that I’m not still pissed at you, but before you go off on your whole ‘we were worried about you’ speech, I’m gonna knock that out before you speak; I’m fine. I’ve been fine. I’m sorry if I freaked you out or whatever by avoiding you, but I’m just pissed, not upset. So I think you’re a dumbass, but I also think you’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to think I’ve gone off the reservation. So while I’m seriously annoyed, I don’t think it’s something impassable, and I don’t want you to think that I’m not going to get over it. To summarize, I'm _not_ sorry I yelled at you, but I'm sorry I avoided you.” That hadn’t gone exactly how he’d planned, but it was out there now, and he waited for John’s response.

 

John was at a loss. He’d probably caught a third of what Alexander had said, as he’d been a little too focused on his hair over his shoulders, the way he waved his hands madly when he spoke, and the way his eyes lit and then softened as he went off.

 

John didn’t know what to say. He probably stood there for a full minute with his mouth half open, as Alex waited expectantly.

 

After a bit, John shook his head. “I’m sorry.” He tried to form more words, but every time he met Alexander’s eyes, he lost them again.

 

So he closed his eyes for a moment, long enough to gather his thoughts.

 

“Look,” He opened his eyes. “I have no proper response to that, so I’m going to revert to what I was originally gonna say.” He decided.

 

Alexander nodded.

 

John sighed. “I am sorry. I - I was, probably out of line, I didn’t expect it to hit you as hard as it did-”

 

“It didn’t…” Alexander muttered, earning a look from John. “Sorry- go on.” He prompted.

 

John chewed his lip. “I shouldn’t have yelled, and then I shouldn’t have stayed mad,” He shook his head, dropping his gaze.. “I wish I could go back and just… fix everything.” He met Alexander’s eyes. “But I can’t.” He steeled himself. “And if you can’t go back, you  _ have _ to go forward, right?”

 

Alex wasn’t quite sure he was following, but nodded anyway.

 

“So, we have to go forward; I need you to know that there is never going to be  _ any _ judgement. That you can talk to me, if you’re - if you’re having problems, or freaking out-”

 

Alexander raised a hand to his face. “No, John, that’s not-”

 

“For any reason,” John insisted, taking a step closer as Alex crossed his arms. “At any time, and I will  _ be _ there, because dammit you’re my  _ best  _ friend, and - and you don’t have to hide anything, because…”  _ because I love you _ . But the words couldn’t leave his lips. It was true, and he’d said it before, but he’d certainly meant it a different way. He shook his head. “You can trust me.”

 

Alexander was tapping his foot against the ground, and his fingers against his arm, eyes fixed on the ground. “I  _ know _ that, but-” He shook his head, before meeting John's eyes. “I know that.” 

 

There was quiet for a moment, and John used all of his willpower not to allow his eyes to fall to Alexander's lips.

 

Alexander was staring his roommate down, waiting, though he wasn't quite sure what for.

 

The two stood there that way for a moment, eyes locked, before Alexander shook his head, a small laugh escaping him. “We’re ridiculous.” He decided.

 

John laughed too, silently thanking God for breaking the intense moment before he did something dumb. Something he’d certainly considered.

 

Alexander had actually broken the eye contact for that very same reason, though he was more ready to admit this to himself.

 

John returned to his more realistic thoughts though, unfortunately. “We are, aren’t we?” He sat down on Alexander’s bed, and his roommate followed suit.

 

Alexander’s smile had now faded.

 

John met his eyes once more, and Alexander saw in them the concern from the past two days, all of the worry and stress, and most of all, exhaustion.

 

John saw similar things in Alexander’s eyes; he saw Alex’s exhaustion, but he also saw a determination, a light that burned assuring John that they were gonna be just fine.

 

“Look,” Alexander broke the silence, but didn’t look away from John. “I get that the storm stuff probably freaked you guys out, but here’s the thing; it’s not  _ new. _ It’s not something that’s going to…” He searched desperately for the right words. “It’s not  _ inhibiting _ . It’s something I’ve dealt with almost my whole life, and not something that’s-”

 

“Don’t,” John stopped him, a steely look creeping into his eyes. “I don’t care. We’re here.  _ I’m _ here. There’s no reason for you to go through these things alone, except that you choose to, so I need you to stop right there, swallow your pride, and accept that people  _ care _ enough about you to want to help you.”

 

Alexander looked down at his lap.

 

“Okay?” John pressed.

 

Alexander just chewed his lip.

 

John sighed. “Seriously,” He placed a hand on his roommate’s shoulder. “I mean it.”

 

Alexander met his eyes, brows knit. “I know.” He repeated the phrase as though it was obvious.

 

John let out a breath. “Good.” He patted Alexander on the back, breaking the contact as nonchalantly as he could manage.

 

Alex missed the warmth in the touch, but said nothing as his roommate stood.

 

“Not what d’you say we get a drink?” John suggested.

 

Alexander frowned. “It’s a school night,” He pointed out as he stood. 

 

John shrugged. “And? I’m sure Hercules and Gilbert will be down. And I think we need it.” He pointed out.

 

Alexander allowed a smile to creep onto his face. “Alright. I’ll shoot them each a text.” He offered, and John nodded.

 

**To: French Fry, Herc     5:15pm**

**Are you down to grab a drink tonight?**

 

He waited for confirmations from both of them, and then made plans to meet at their usual place in about half an hour. 

  
John and Alexander headed out early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I'm apparently really good at fillers???   
> Sorry this chapter was really short, I'm trying to update often, and I just am having a bit of trouble actually sitting down and writing?
> 
> Also, for future reference, for the panic attack stuff? I don't have really bad panic attacks so if there's like anything that seems ridiculous or like not quite right go ahead and point that out so I can take it into account because while I've done some research they say the only way to know is through experience sooo yeah.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed! If you did, leave me a nice comment! That'd be awesome! If you didn't, maybe also leave a comment; tell me what you think I could do better. 
> 
> Also, come bother me on tumblr at my NEW url, @Strangest-of-things


	19. Say What You Want About Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're going to the bar to unwind, but discover Alexander has a hidden talent?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is only long to make up for the shortness of the next chapter? Sorry? But the next chapter makes up in content so be warned because 20 had to be special and it is off the wall.
> 
> Thanks again to all you lovely people! Reading and commenting on my works! I'm so! I love you guys!
> 
> And now, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, enjoy the ride!

The walk over was wild. The sky was still storming, a light drizzle coming down. 

 

Alexander didn’t object when John’s hand slid into his, and found immense comfort beyond what he expected in the contact.

  
  


John ordered a pint when they arrived, but Alexander decided to wait a bit; he definitely planned not to get too drunk tonight, as he tended to overshare when he was drunk.

 

And right now, he was working on something he certainly didn’t want to accidentally spill.

 

So he passed on the first drink, and by John’s second pint, Hercules and Gilbert walked in.

 

Alexander waved them over, and Gilbert ordered a round.

 

This bar was their favorite; it was crappy, a bit overpriced, the staff was mean, fights were constantly breaking out, but there were exactly three things they loved about it.

 

One, was that it was within walking distance, so they didn’t require a designated driver.

 

Two, it had karaoke.

 

The other, was the shot contest rule. You could challenge any person in the bar, at any point, to a shot contest. The rules were pretty simple; if you accepted the challenge, you had to compete to see who could take more shots in the in the assigned amount of time. The loser had to pay for the shots.

 

If you rejected the challenge, you had to pay for the other person’s drinks for the rest of the night.

 

No one was really sure if this was an official rule, but everyone knew it. 

 

Every now and then, there’d be someone who’d never been there before who would object, but not usually.

 

If you brought a friend, it was expected you informed the of the rules of the game.

 

Regulars weren’t challenged often, and John had never been challenged; he’d seen Alexander and Gilbert both be challenged and challenge other people.

 

They mostly won.

 

One longstanding rivalry in the game, was Alexander and one Thomas Jefferson, because neither could see the other and not pick a fight.

 

Gilbert and Hercules crossed to join the two best friends, Gilbert giving uncertain glances between the two.

 

“Hey.” Gilbert greeted uncertainly.

 

John cracked a smile at his friend’s tentativeness.

 

Alexander admired that smile. He pulled his attention back to Gilbert though. “We figured it out.” He assured him.

 

Gilbert’s tentative smile disappeared, as Hercules’ grin spread.

 

Herc turned to his roommate. “You owe me twenty bucks. Cough it up.”

 

“Hold on,” Gilbert raised a hand to stop his eager friend. He narrowed his eyes. “What, exactly, did you figure out?” He dug.

 

Alex frowned. “We sorted out our argument? What are you on?” He asked.

 

Gilbert now gave a triumphant laugh. “Hah! You won’t collect your money today.” He stuck his tongue out.

 

Hercules pouted. 

 

John shook his head. “What are you guys talking about?” 

 

Gilbert waved him off, taking a seat at the bar. “Nothing.”

 

John was about to press, when an unwelcome party joined. 

 

“Hamilton!” Came that voice that made John want to claw his ears out.

 

“Jefferson,” Alex returned. “What is it?” 

 

Jefferson gave a sigh. “Why are you always so  _ hostile _ ? I only want to congratulate you on making it here without having… Well, an  _ episode. _ ” He smirked. “Oh! And challenge you to a shot contest.” He smirked, and in that moment, Alexander didn’t know why or how, but he  _ knew _ that Jefferson knew something he shouldn’t have.

 

He was now faced with a dilemma; accept the challenge, throw out his plans of not getting drunk, and risk spilling to John, or show cowardice in rejecting it, to be humiliated further by having to pay for Jefferson’s drinks.

 

He cast a glance to his friends, before making his decision.

 

He met Jefferson’s eyes. “I accept your challenge.” He decided to give no response to the comment he’d made before.

 

The two took seats side by side at the bar, and informed the bartender of the challenge.

 

“Cool!” She started pulling out shot glasses.

 

She listed the rules enthusiastically, as she started with five shot glasses on either side.

 

“Which of you is the challenger?” She asked, excitedly.

 

Jefferson lifted a hand.

 

“What is the drink of choice?” She inquired.

 

Jefferson thought for a second. “ _ Vodka _ .”

 

There was a small gasp in the crowd that was beginning to gather.

 

“Are you sure? That’s a really hard drink-” 

 

Jefferson cut off the young girl with a heavy sigh. “Yes, I’m sure, can you pour the drinks?”

 

She pulled out the bottle, and Alexander swallowed.

 

He was sure Jefferson was bluffing, hoping Alex would back down.

 

Unfortunately, they set a one minute timer, and Jefferson was just smirking.

 

“Ready,” The bartender glanced between them, timer on her phone set up. “Get set,” 

 

Each student picked up a glass. “Bottoms up.” Jefferson almost sneered.

 

“Go!”

 

Alexander did the first shot. The burning was a feeling all too familiar, and as he reached for another glass he was regretting his decision.

 

He did another shot. It felt like fire, from his throat slowly spreading through his stomach.

 

Another shot. He was considering letting Jefferson win; what would paying for his drinks really do? But he’d come this far.

 

Another shot.

 

The bartender was refilling their glasses when they set them down, making it impossible for Alex to gauge what shot his opponent was on.

 

Another shot.

 

That was five. He wanted to give up, but his pride stood in the way.

 

Another shot.

 

The timer beeped. “Glasses down!” The bartender exclaimed.

 

“Okay,” She smiled mischievously. “We have a clear winner.” she was dragging it out.

 

Alexander was definitely feeling that - decidedly it was too much vodka.

 

“And the winner is…” She looked between them, glancing around the crowd that had gathered at the bar. Then she grabbed Alexander’s wrist, pumping it into the air. “This guy!” She exclaimed.

 

There were a few cheerings, mostly probably just from people who didn’t like Jefferson.

 

“What’s your name man?” She gestured him to introduce himself to the crowd. 

 

“Alexander Hamilton.” He smiled. “My name is Alexander Hamilton.” He gave a small, wobbly wave. Definitely feeling the alcohol now.

 

“You heard him! Alexander Hamilton with six shots.”

 

A few people sounded moderately impressed, but the crowd had mostly drifted apart.

 

“How many did you do?” He pointed to Jefferson, who still looked smug. 

 

“Gee, I only got two down.” He smirked. “I guess I’ll have to do better next time.” He stood, blowing a kiss to Alex. “Have a fun night, Hamilton.” And with that, he was gone.

 

Alexander frowned, but wasn’t sure how to process that whole encounter, and then his friends were at his side.

 

“Alex! Six shots? You’re gonna get alcohol poisoning.” John scolded.

 

Gilbert was smiling. “ _ Mon Dieu, mon petit lion, _ I didn’t know you had it in you.” He admitted.

 

Hercules was knitting his eyebrows. “How do you feel?” He asked.

 

Alexander rolled his eyes. “I’m fine,” He tried to stand, wobbling a bit but balancing on the bar. “A drunk. A bit drunk.” He winked at John. “Kidding.” He said. “I don’t think I’ll ever get  _ that _ drunk.”

 

He started toward the back room, where the karaoke area was, grabbing John by the wrist and dragging him along. “We should sing something."

 

John downed the rest of his pint because he knew he’d need it.

 

“You give love a bad name,” Gilbert acted as though he’d said nothing.

 

“Ooh that’s a good one! Let’s do that.” Alexander opted, throwing John a smirk.

 

John turned to glare at Gilbert, but followed Alex to sign up anyway.

 

Everyone joked about Alexander’s drunk karaoke; it was a rich area for teasing.

 

But John actually didn’t mind it. Even if he couldn’t sing, he certainly made up for it with enthusiasm.

 

And what confused John was that, around the dorm, if he ever happened to hear Alexander singing, it was beautiful; he had a  nice voice, but for some reason, he never did on stage.

 

John had decided long ago that it was one of two things; A) he couldn’t sing well when they did karaoke, because he was always drunk, or B) John imagined that he sounded good around the dorm; he didn’t really.

 

The two got up on the stage.

 

Alexander, who was always overly sexual onstage, usually toward the crowd, waited expectantly.

 

Then their cue. 

 

He turned right to John, pointing a finger at him. “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling you give lo-o-ove, a bad name.” He started bouncing along to the music, and then moved really close to John before the next cue.

 

John forgot he was supposed to be singing. “An angel’s smile, is what you sell,” He made a confused face at John, and John remembered he was part of this karaoke.

 

“You promise me heaven then put me through hell.” John jumped back in, and Alex lit up.

 

Alexander resumed his dancing, only the fact that he was holding the microphone keeping him from pressing against John, at least that’s what it seemed like.

 

And then John met his eyes.

 

Alexander’s voice stopped doing it’s ridiculous thing. In fact, for a moment, it stopped working all together. He had to break eye contact to resume his act.

 

He made his way back down center stage. “No one can save me, the damage is done!” And his voice was back to ridiculous Alexander being goofy.

 

John wasn’t sure what inspired what he did next, whether it be alcohol, or plain lack of impulse control, but he moved to be beside his roommate again, and turned to face him and continued to dance as he sang.

 

Alexander picked right back up. “Paint your smile, on your lips,” He glanced to the mentioned feature, as his voice evened.

 

“Blood red nails on your fingertips.” John took Alexander’s hand to make the point.

 

“A school boy’s dream, you act so shy,” Alexander’s voice was smooth, and John wasn’t sure if it was because he was drunk, or what, but he could swear he really could  _ sing. _

 

“Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye.” John and Alex were close enough now that the hands they were using to hold the microphone’s were touching.

 

Together, they surged. “Ooooh, you’re a loaded gun, whoa, oh, there’s nowhere to run, no one can save me the damage is done!” 

 

They fell into perfect harmony.

 

“Shot through the heart! And you’re to blame, darling you give lo-o-ove, a bad name.”

 

Alexander dragged his intoxicated gaze back up to John’s eyes. “I play my part,” Alexander was smiling.

 

“And you play your game,” John added.

 

And then together. “You give lo-ove, a bad name.” They went through the rest of the song like that, not breaking eye contact until the very end, when both turned out to the audience for the final line.

 

Then they took a bow, and people actually  _ clapped. _ Most of the time, people were just waiting for them to get off the stage.

 

When they finally did make it off the stage, Gilbert and Hercules were waiting for them.

 

“I didn’t know you could sing,” Hercules gave Alexander a look.

 

Alex flushed. “Yeah, well, I mean I don’t really - can’t, really -”

 

“Are you blushing?” John asked, incredulously.

 

Alexander scrunched up his nose. “Oh shove it.” 

 

“ _ Non! Je ne peux pas croire _ \- all this time, you could sing? Or is this a recent development?” Gilbert babbled.

 

Alexander scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t - I mean, I’ve kinda known forever, but like… I’m not  _ good _ , and I didn’t want to sound like I was trying too hard or anything -”

 

“ _ Non, mon petit lion. _ You sounded wonderful, you have a true talent!” Gilbert insisted.

 

Hercules nodded in agreement. “Yeah, man, that was crazy.”

 

“And you two,” Gilbert pointed between them. “Your voices together -  _ beau. _ ” 

 

Hercules just nodded.

 

John looked at his shoes. He thought about everything he’d felt on the stage, and his high from the moment started dissipating.

 

He only then realized that he was still holding Alexander’s hand, and dropped it.

 

Alexander was having trouble being okay with that. He came very close to reaching out and grabbing John’s hand again, but didn’t.

 

Instead, he looked at John, waiting for him to meet his eyes.

 

Unfortunately, John seemed unshakeably interested in the wooden flooring.

 

Alexander heard thunder roll outside. He flinched visibly, and not a single pair of eyes in his friend group would dare miss that.

 

Gilbert placed a hand on his shoulder, which Alex promptly shrugged off. “I’m cool.” He insisted. 

 

“I’m gonna get another drink.” John announced. “Anyone else?” Everyone raised their hands, but after some deliberation, Alexander decided he was actually good.

 

He wasn’t sure how much of this night he’d remember anyway, and he’d rather try his hardest to avoid any more alcohol, because at this point there was still hope his secret wouldn’t spill, so long as it didn’t come up.

 

He still followed his friends to the bar, and noticed Gilbert was eyeing him.

 

At first he thought he might be imagining it, but when he looked at Hercules, he was doing the same thing.

 

After a few minutes, he was about to say something, when John almost slammed his drink into the bar.

 

“Okay, maybe I’m tripping but why are you guys looking at us like that?” He was frowning at Gilbert and Hercules, an annoyed edge to his tone.

 

Gilbert sighed. “Okay I have to know; what happened the other day? What were you guys fighting about?”

  
John and Alexander exchanged a glance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorrynotsorryididn'tevendoanythingthatmeaninthischapterso??  
> But yeah, that happened. I figured some happiness was well deserved, after all the shit they've been through, they deserve some normalcy in their lives for a second before we CRY because holy SHIT I'M NOT READY FOR 21 GUYS IT'S I CAN'T IT'S TOO REAL.
> 
> Comment's n Kudos mean EVERYTHING so hit me up!
> 
> Also come bother me on tumblr, @Strangest-of-things


	20. All Of The Boys, and All Of The Girls, are Begging to F-U-C-K me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you're drunk, things don't always go over as planned. Alexander learns this the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to formally apologize? I like pain?
> 
> And these guys must be pretty tough after all this so like I Guess it can't be That Bad but um yeah.
> 
> Ily thank you so much to everyone who commented and kudos'd this fic!
> 
> Please secure your shoulder strap, keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, if you experience physical pain consult the author, and be prepared for a bumpy ride.

“Oh.” Alex drew his gaze to the floor.

 

John pressed his lips together. “It - we weren’t  _ fighting _ , we just… Had a difference of opinion.” He only now realized they hadn’t really resolved anything, they’d just overlooked the subject. 

 

Alexander huffed. “Yeah.” He was coming to the same realization, but his drunken self didn’t have nearly as much impulse control.

 

He was planning on making a snide comment, but as he turned to John to say something painfully honest, he caught John’s eyes, and he looked apologetic, not mad.

 

Alexander couldn’t help but think he looked ridiculously cute when he was worried. And, the fact that he looked worried at all, instead of looking angry, said something about the value he placed on their friendship; he’d rather swallow his pride then keep fighting.

 

All of Alex’s annoyance and sarcasm dissipated as he was met with this horrible contradiction.

 

A smile slid onto his lips, as John furrowed his brow. 

 

Alexander rested his head on John’s shoulder. “You’re ridiculous.” He didn’t want to argue anymore; he was tired, he was drunk, and he didn’t want to ruin what so far had been a pretty good night.

 

John tried to hide the heat that was rising in his cheeks. 

 

He very pointedly would not make eye contact with Gilbert or Hercules, who were evidently snickering at his predicament.

 

Alexander just smiled, blissfully unaware and alcohol-inhibited.

 

John, on the other hand, was  _ very _ aware of where Alexander’s cheek was pressed into his shoulder, and was having trouble breathing evenly.

 

He cleared his throat in an attempt to return to reality, but the conversation had died, and this only made Gilbert and Hercules laugh more loudly.

 

Alexander was frowning at the two, but was certain there was something he’d only missed because he wasn’t paying attention to them.

 

He stayed like that for a while, the conversation picked back up, Alexander dozed off a couple of times, but their night became considerably uneventful.

 

At least, for everyone except John.

 

John continued to stay hyper aware of all of his surroundings, but mostly just Alexander pressed against him. 

 

At some point he gradually started shifting closer, until the group had decided to move to a booth, where Alexander promptly pressed his whole side against John.

 

John, who had been in the middle of a sentence when this occurred, suddenly found it hard to think straight.

 

Certainly alcohol wasn’t helping. He hadn’t even realized he’d stopped talking, gazing at Alexander, until he looked back up and Gilbert was smirking knowingly.

 

“Um, what I was saying was…” He had no clue. He honestly couldn’t even remember what they’d been talking about.

 

The more he tried to remember, the more his brain just jumped back to Alexander, nestled up against him, emanating heat.

 

_ Shit. _

 

“Well that I…” It was gone. He had lost his train of thought.

 

“Maybe you’ve had too much to drink.” Alexander suggested, adjusting so just his chin was on John’s shoulder, and he could meet his eyes. Their faces were alarmingly close, as John turned his head to face his roommate. “Or maybe you just can’t handle your alcohol.” He teased.

 

His breath was hot against John’s mouth, and he had to look away.

 

The acidic scent of vodka reminded John how very intoxicated his friend was.

 

“That must be it.” John’s voice cracked, and Alexander wasn’t changing his position.

 

When John turned to meet Alexander’s eyes again, the other student was smiling, his eyelids drooping.

 

“Maybe it’s about time we headed out.” Gilbert checked the time on his phone. “It is almost midnight on a school night.” He pointed out.

 

Alexander frowned. “Yeah, that’s a good plan. I gotta talk to John anyway.” He sat up straight, and John was caught between being relieved and disappointed.

 

Alexander stretched, and then stood, and Gilbert and Hercules exchanged a glance. 

 

“Okay,” Hercules agreed, as he and Gilbert eased out of the booth in tandem with John, and the four started out of the bar.

 

As they walked back to the college, conversation ebbed and flowed, and Alexander sent a silent thanks to any God that was out there for his amazing friends.

 

When they reached the campus, they parted ways, and John and Alexander headed back to their dorm.

  
  


When they reached their dorm, Alexander turned to his best friend.

 

He didn’t say anything though, he just stood there, looking John in the eyes.

 

John was waiting expectantly, but Alex just stood there.

 

He had a look in his eyes, an open look, as if anything John could have asked him, he would have answered honestly.

 

John looked nervous; he was watching Alexander closely, green eyes locked on his, and the silence grew thick between them.

 

Not in the same way it had been though. Neither was upset, they weren’t in disagreement, they were simply enjoying the realness of the moment.

 

John shook his head though, after a few moments. “Before we left the bar, you said you needed to talk to me?” he met Alexander’s eyes again, and he appeared to be straining to remember, but then nodded.

 

“Right. That.” He sat on his bed, gesturing John to sit next to him.

 

Alex struggled against the alcohol that was fogging his perception, but pushed it aside.

 

“Look, John,”  he gathered his thoughts. “We’ve been best friends since like, the dawn of time, right?” He glanced up to make sure his roommate was listening, and John was nodding.

 

“Okay, so like, but I don’t want to be your friend.”  _ That was wrong. _

 

John frowned.

 

Alexander shook his head violently. “No, I  _ do _ , that wasn’t… I don’t  _ just _ want to be your friend.” He was certain that cleared everything up.

 

John felt his heart rate pick up. “I’m sorry, what?”

 

Alexander tried to regain his scattered thoughts. “I want to be… More. And like, I get that you’re like, straight, and if you don’t think the same way forget I even said anything,” Alexander wished he _hadn’t_ said anything; he was drunk, and John would take it as nothing more than his drunken babbling.

 

John just looked dumbfounded though. “What?” 

 

Alex rolled his eyes, and then realized that he’d have to go by action rather than words. 

 

He leaned forward and went for it.

 

John was startled, to say the least. Warm lips pressed against his and he didn’t like to think that he’d wanted this, wanted it  _ so bad. _

 

Alexander’s hand was on the back of John’s neck, and he scooted closer.

 

John didn’t budge; he wasn’t sure how to process this. 

 

It didn’t deter his roommate though; Alexander pressed against John, and John’s giddiness was starting to dissipate. He pulled back.

 

Alexander furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m - I’m sorry I didn’t mean like - oh jeez, this was not what I had planned.” He scolded himself. “John, I’m sorry-”

  
John stood abruptly, a mix of emotions overtaking him in his intoxicated state. “I- I gotta go,” He left the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah
> 
> so
> 
> I'm just gonna....... sorry? Forgive me?
> 
> Honestly, these poor dweebs just can't seem to get it, huh?
> 
> Well, if you're really mad, come yell at me on Tumblr, @Strangest-of-things.
> 
> Or if you just want a conversation. I love to talk :)
> 
> I hope you're enjoying this rocky road, and I'd like to tell you 21 will be better but
> 
> I am an honest person
> 
> so I can't
> 
> ily pls don't hate me :):):):)


	21. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither boy wants to face the other. They are at an impasse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo
> 
> Im sorry for 20? 
> 
> Also, I'm trying to decide if I should end it here in a bit. I have a way I can wrap everything uo in a nice little bow OR I can hurt then more. 
> 
> Let me know what YOU think. 
> 
> Hold on to your hats, guys, gals and nonbinary pals, but keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, and most importantly, have fun along the way!

Alexander, shell shocked, took a moment before running after him. He was caught off guard by a loud round of thunder, and paused in his step, closing his eyes to regain himself.

 

He ran after his roommate. “John wait!” John was shaking his head, as he continued. 

 

Alexander caught up to him. “Look, I’m sorry, I-”

 

“I really need to clear my head. Go back to the dorm, Alexander, you’re drunk.” He hissed.

 

Alex stopped in his tracks. Hearing his whole name, from John’s lips - his soft, tentative lips - tugged at his chest. He watched his roommate walk out the front door of the dorm building, into the pouring rain.

 

There was no way he could follow him now. He ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck!” He stood there a minute longer, glancing around, as if John might walk back through those doors any moment.

 

He did not.

 

Alexander started, defeated, back toward the dorm.

  
  


John was met with a brisk breeze accompanying the rain, and cursed himself for not thinking further ahead.

 

He felt  _ wrong _ . He had wanted it so badly, something that he yearned for, and when it was within his reach, he’d felt nothing but shame.

 

He knew a part of that was because Alexander was at least twice as drunk as him, but he couldn’t look past the fact that Alex was a boy. John was a boy. He knew there was nothing wrong with that, but still…

 

_ Fuck _ .

 

He had no idea where he was going, and circled the campus, only to find himself back at the dorm building.

 

He couldn’t bear the thought of returning to his dorm.

 

So he didn’t. Instead he rapped three times on another familiar door in the building.

 

“Just a second!” Came a familiar voice through a thick french accent.

 

A few moments later the door swung open, and Gilbert was there, in a nightgown.

 

Upon actually meeting Gilbert’s eyes, John realized he’d been crying.

  
  


He also became aware of the fact that he’d just shown up to his friends dorm, in the middle of the night, crying, drunk, and soaking wet.

 

Gilbert’s expression softened when he saw John.

 

“Come in, we need to get you in to some dry clothes.” Gilbert put one arm around John while using the other to pull the door shut behind them.

 

Hercules was sitting on the couch, but eased to his feet at the sight of John. “What happened?” He asked, and John just shook his head; he couldn’t even gather his thoughts.

 

Gilbert cast Hercules a firm look. “First things first, we need to get you dry.” He guided John to the bathroom, and then handed him a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt that was about two sizes too big, before shutting the door.

 

John changed, and then moved to look at himself in the mirror; he was a mess.

 

His hair had almost fallen completely out of his ponytail (he quickly took it down and re-tied it), he had dark circles under his eyes, which were red and puffy from crying.

 

He quickly splashed water on his face, trying(and failing) to hide any traces that he’d been crying.

 

Then he came out of he bathroom.

 

He could tell Gilbert and Hercules were worried about him, by the way they spoke in hushed voices that silenced when he walked in to the room.

 

Gilbert gestured him to sit on the couch in between them.

 

John cautiously accepted the invitation.

 

“Now,  _ mon ami _ , what happened? And why did you not return to your own dorm?” Gilbert asked gently, rubbing a hand up and down John’s back.

 

John shook his head; he was afraid if he tried to talk he might start crying again.

 

He took a deep breath.

 

Gilbert and Hercules waited patiently.

 

After a few moments, John spoke. “Alex kissed me.” He said finally.

 

Hercules frowned.

 

Gilbert looked at Herc uncertainly. “He did?”

 

John nodded. He was still not sure why it upset him so much.

 

“John,” Hercules was aware he needed to tread lightly. “Is that all that happened?” He asked.

 

John didn’t move. “I… Yes?” It certainly sounded more like a question than an answer.

 

Hercules and Gilbert exchanged another glance.

 

John lay his head on Gilbert’s shoulder. “I just wanna sleep…” He mumbled. It was true; he hadn’t slept very well, since him and Alexander had been on bad terms, and now, with him being pretty drunk, it was catching up to him.

 

Gilbert nodded in understanding. “Okay. You go to sleep, we will speak of this more in the morning, yes?”

 

John nodded, as Gilbert stood. 

 

Hercules pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and gently tossed it over John, who laughed inwardly at the gentleness in the gesture, before dozing off.

  
  


Alexander was now by himself in the dorm. The sounds of the storm outside were bothering him, but not nearly as much as what he’d just done.

 

He had had a plan, he had pages upon  _ pages _ of writing, in the hopes to say everything he meant.

 

But when the time came, he made the wrong choice, and he freaked John out.

 

He wanted to think that John had only freaked out because of the suddenness, not because of the actual act, but had a hard time convincing himself so.

 

The way John had reacted was causing more confusion and frustration than anything else, as Alexander racked his brain for ways to apologize.

 

He knew a simple apology would never be enough, he needed to go bigger.

 

A public apology would be  _ too _ much, and might just freak John out even more.

 

Alexander ran these things over several times in his drunken mind, before finally beginning to drift off.

 

He resigned, plopping down on his pillow and falling asleep without too much effort, save for a few wasted tears that escaped into the silence of the room.

  
  


When he awoke, he first thought that it was still nighttime by the light in the room, but a glance at the analogue clock on the wall contradicted; it was almost seven in the morning.

 

He looked to the window and realized why it looked like nighttime; dark gray clouds continued to block out any prospective sunlight, making the world even more drab than it already had to be.

 

Alexander hauled himself out of bed, making his way down to the library with his laptop.

  
  


That morning, John woke up confused.

 

He wasn’t in his dorm, that much he knew.

 

He was on a couch, a familiar couch…

 

The night came back to him like a punch in the face.

 

He remembered everything, from dancing a tad too close in karaoke to the feeling of Alexander’s soft lips against his…

 

He took a sharp breath, just as Gilbert wandered in to the room.

 

“I was afraid I’d have to wake you,  _ mon amour. _ I believe you have class at nine on Friday, no?” Gilbert sat down next to John, handing him an Advil and a glass of water.

 

John quickly swallowed the pill and drank some water, before shaking his head. “Yeah, yeah I do. What time is it?” John only now realized he didn’t have his phone; it had been on low battery when they left for the bar last night, so he had left it plugged in in the dorm.

 

“Eight fifty.” Hercules said as he walked in. “Why?”

 

“Eight fifty?!” John repeated, running a hand through his hair. “Shit,” He stood, giving himself a once over in the mirror.

 

He was still in one of Gilbert’s oversized T-shirts and sweatpants.

 

“Do you want to borrow something, or..?” Gilbert trailed off.

 

John shook his head. “I have a paper I have to grab from my dorm anyway, so I’ll change there. Thank you though.” He turned and started toward the door. “And I’ll return your stuff later! Thanks!”

 

And he closed the door.

 

He quickly paced down the hall, making his way to his own dorm, and praying silently that Alexander wouldn’t be there; he was already going to be late, and he couldn’t handle a confrontation this soon after waking up.

 

So, he pushed the door open, glad to find the dorm unsurprisingly empty.

 

John felt a pang at the thought of being  _ happy _ to avoid his best friend.

 

He shook his head though, and continued about his way.

 

He changed quickly, grabbed his stuff, and headed back out by eight fifty-seven.

 

He might just make it.

 

He stumbled into the class in a flurry, at 9:06.

 

The professor gave him a look, but said nothing as he took his seat. 

  
  


Alexander had class at ten that morning, so he packed up from the library around nine forty, knowing John would still be in class.

 

He made his way back to the dorm, heart thudding against his ribs until he was actually in the dorm and certain that his roommate was absent.

 

Then it steadied, but he was still bothered when he saw lightning flash in the window.

 

He was also alarmed at just  _ how _ relieved he was by his  _ best friend _ not being there.

 

With a sigh, he put his laptop away and changed, before heading to class.

 

He knew he was supposed to meet up with Gilbert, Hercules, and John for lunch, as was their regularly scheduled Friday, and he dreaded it.

 

Not that he didn't love his friends or whatever, but he was scared to see John.

 

He wasn't even certain John would go; as far as Alexander knew, John had slept somewhere besides the dorm last night, just to avoid Alex.

 

This weighed over him the whole morning.

  
  
  


John was having the same problem; he didn't  _ want _ to face Alexander. He didn't want to face what he'd done, or said, or how he'd acted. 

 

And he certainly didn't want to face his own desires.

 

Alexander had been wasted. That was easily a reason to act without thinking. 

 

Maybe he'd been horny and John was just the nearest person.

 

Alexander  _ was _ known to sleep with most anything that moved.

 

John pondered this all morning, trying to decide whether or not he should go to lunch.

  
After his class, he knew he owed Gilbert and Hercules at least an attempt at an explanation, so he headed over to their dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo Johns having some trouble...
> 
> I know I said this n the top notes but I got a wat I can wrap this up, tell me if you think I should or I should keep going?
> 
> If you don't want it public, you can always hmu on Tumblr, @strangest-of-things
> 
> Thank you all so much for your input, and hang in there for 22 because yeah! Love you all dearly!
> 
> Ever yours, Francis


	22. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alexander have to talk eventually, but a lot of good that's done so far eh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR SLIGHT HOMOPHOBIA*?
> 
> I gotta say, I'm really, really sorry, and I hope you guys can forgive me.
> 
> That said, I have finished writing the fic, so it'll only be a few more days of suffering :)
> 
> Fasten your seatbelt, keep all extremities inside the vehicle at all times, and enjoy the ride!

* * *

* * *

He knocked on the door, which almost immediately flew open, revealing Gilbert waiting anxiously.

 

He herded John inside and sat him on the couch.

 

“I want the whole story, now.” He was much less sympathetic now that John wasn't crying and soaking wet.

 

John took a breath. “Well, you know, we sang that  _ song _ \- I blame you for that much - at karaoke, and then he was leaning on me at the bar afterwards - I figured it was because of the storm, but -whatever.” he paused, trying to gather himself. “And then, we went back to the dorm. We were standing there, I was - I asked him about - before we left the bar. He said he needed to talk to me, so I asked him what he needed to talk about. He started babbling about not wanting to be my friend, and then about wanting to be  _ more _ than friends, and I had no idea what he was talking about and he leaned in and kissed me.” The last half of that was sped through, as John tried to recap the whole story without getting emotional.

 

Gilbert and Hercules exchanged a look. 

 

“Okay.” Gilbert said carefully, “Was that all?”

 

John raised his eyebrows. “Is that  _ all _ ? My best friend, admittedly probably just because he was drunk, said that he wanted to be  _ more _ than friends, and then - and then just went right about it - just went and - and did  _ that.”  _ John was breathing hard.

 

Gilbert frowned. “Is that not something you wanted though?” his tone was gentle now, almost uncertain.

 

John shook his head. “No! I mean - I don't know - it felt  _ wrong _ .” he knew this wasn't something he should bring up,  _ especially _ to Gilbert and Hercules, but he was fairly certain he knew why he hadn't enjoyed that kiss, even if it  _ was _ something he'd longed for.

 

Gilbert narrowed his eyes. “Wrong  _ how _ ?” He asked, a wary edge to his tone.

 

John chewed his lip. “I…” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t get it.”

 

Gilbert raised an eyebrow. “Try me.” He suggested.

 

John knew he was in shit now.

 

John sighed. “I don’t know how to explain it, okay? I just need to… Think.”  _ Great job diverting. _ He thought, annoyed. 

 

Gilbert’s sympathy face came back. “Alright, okay. Will you come to lunch with us? You don’t even have to speak to him,  _ mon ami, _ but just seeing him I believe is the first step in... figuring stuff out.”

 

John met Gilbert’s eyes, a refusal on the tip of his tongue, but his words died in his throat. He sighed. “Fine.” 

  
  


When noon rolled around, Alexander was still uncertain.

 

He was stuck between whether he wanted to see John or not, and whether John wanted to see  _ him _ or not.

 

He figured by this point he must be with someone else, and it was most likely Gilbert and Hercules, which meant he would have told  _ them _ what happened, and they were all probably laughing at him together.

 

Or, collectively trying to figure out a way to ease him out of their lives.

 

He decided to skip lunch.

 

Instead, he threw himself into his studies; if he didn’t have friends to worry about, he could study twice as hard, and learn twice as much, because no one would be worrying about how he’d eaten or drank that day, or how much he’d slept.

 

The idea was actually pretty freeing. If he worked twice as hard, he could graduate even higher than he’d planned, he could do more extra credit, and he’d never have to worry that anyone was worried about him.

 

A small smile crept onto his lips, as he sat in the library, textbooks scattered about. That sounded like a life he could lead.

 

Right when he was considering it, he got a text. From Gilbert.

 

**From: French Fry     2:16pm**

**u better fix this**

 

That was something else.

 

What Alexander didn’t know, was that even if  _ he _ was willing to lead a life more involved in his studies and advancing, than his friends, John was not.

 

In fact, Alexander not showing up at lunch only solidified John’s theory that Alexander thought he hated him, and this was something he couldn’t live with.

 

And it was true; Alexander did think John hated him - well, maybe ‘hate’ is too strong a word. He was certain John was upset with him, and that was not even untrue.

 

John was upset, just not for the reasons Alexander thought. 

 

It was a mess. 

 

**To: French Fry     2:18pm**

**How? I’m certain you’ve been briefed on the situation, and as such, you surely understand the depth with which I fucked up. If you haven’t been kept in the loop, and are merely trying to fix without knowing all the facts, that fault falls on you and you certainly should ask John about it. If you are aware of every factor, than you know that there is no fixing this, that I fucked up colossally, and ruined years and years of friendship, and as I think you a man of intellect, you certainly know this, and to simply speak to remind me is cruel and harsh, so I wish to have no further discussion of the topic.**

 

He sent the text without a second thought, and returned to his work, only to be interrupted again a moment later.

 

**From: French Fry     2:20pm**

**no, u just have 2 talk abt it. get ur shit together, man up, and talk to ur best friend u inconsiderate piece o shit.**

 

Alexander chewed on his tongue. 

 

**To: French Fry     2:21pm**

**Actually, it would take a lot more than talking, and as I said if you were presented with the facts you understand this. I’ll try, to humor you, but something tells me other parties involved are not as eager to fix this.**

 

After sending that text, Alexander gave a heavy sigh, before beginning to pack up his things to head back to the dorm.

  
  


John was actually also texting Gilbert, and they’d had a somewhat similar conversation, though Gilbert had used considerably kinder wording with John.

 

**From: Baguette     2:15**

**u should rly try to talk 2 alex**

 

**To: Baguette     2:16**

**I dont wanna**

 

**From: Baguette     2:18**

**and? u kno it’s the only way 2 fix it**

 

A this point, John wasn’t completely sure he  _ wanted _ to fix it.

 

**To: Baguette    2:20**

**How do u think Im gonna do that??**

 

**From: Baguette     2:22**

**TALK. i swear u r like children**

 

**To: Baguette     2:24**

**fine Ill try**

 

That was all he could be certain of.

 

A few minutes after sending that text, at 2:30, his class was let out.

 

He took a breath, and headed for the dorm.

  
  


John found the dorm empty when he arrived, and wasn’t sure what to do about that.

 

He could head down to the library, that was probably where Alexander was, if not at the dorm.

 

He could shoot him a text, saying that they needed to talk.

 

As he was considering what to do, the door swung open, and there was Alex, backpack and all, looking like he’d just witnessed a murder.

 

When Alexander saw John, all his ideas about living a friendless life disappeared because seeing  _ John _ he knew he couldn’t possibly go another second of his life fighting with him.

 

So words started spilling out, like they often do.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so,  _ so _ sorry, and I can’t even begin to explain how terrible I feel. I know I was drunk but that’s no excuse. All cards on the table; I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time, since probably before I came out, and I know that’s terrible, and I should have said something, and I shouldn’t have kept on like everything was normal, and I shouldn’t have - and I  _ know _ you’re straight, and I know it was totally wrong and inappropriate of me to do what I did, and I’m  _ so _ sorry, and I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, or if we can go back to being friends, or if it’ll ever be  _ normal _ again, but I do know that I’ve considered the possibilities, and thought about what life would be like if we stopped being friends and it would be  _ rotten _ because - because…”  _ Because I love you. _ Shit. “Because it just  _ would _ and I can’t  _ bear  _ the idea that I put you in a position like this and I just - I just - I’m just  _ sorry _ .” He didn’t know what else to say. For once, he didn’t have a million words. 

 

He knew he fucked up, he knew he wanted to fix it, but the words for how to do so escaped him.

 

The same three words were looping in his mind, words he couldn’t even  _ consider _ saying, because they would only make everything worse.

 

John’s head was spinning. He wasn’t sure he was hearing right. 

 

Alexander had just told him he liked him. In the context, it seemed pretty non-platonic. He also said that he  _ had _ liked him, since before he came out.

 

In high school.

 

_ Years _ ago.

 

John wasn’t sure how to take this.

 

On the one hand, he was pretty enamored. He wanted to lean in and kiss Alexander, quell any doubts he might have about his feelings being shared.

 

On the the other hand, what if it  _ was _ wrong? What if, amongst all the bull his dad spewed, this one thing had been true?

 

What if God really  _ did _ see homosexuality as a sin? 

 

All of these what if’s popped into John’s head and stole his words, leaving him standing there speechless, as his heart rate picked up.

 

Alexander took John’s silence as a sign that what he had just said had  _ definitely _ freaked his roommate out.

 

“Or-or we don’t even  _ have _ to be friends anymore. If - if you’re not okay with that, if that’s too much responsibility, or if it’s awkward or whatever, than okay; we still have to be roommates for a while, but I can get an apartment, and then - and then that’s it. Obviously we’d still see each other, since we go to school together, but you don’t have to talk to me, and - and - and I don’t want you to think that I’m just saying this to make you feel better, or whatever, but I’m serious - you - what you need, right now, is my highest priority, so if you need - if you can’t be friends right now, or even - even forever…” Alexander dreaded the thought. He tried to say that he’d be okay. He’d survive. 

 

And the truth was he probably would; it would take some time, but he  _ would _ be okay, because he never gave up, and he never stopped trying, so he steeled himself, and forced out the words. “As long as you are the happiest circumstances can grant, I’ll be okay.”

 

John was still having trouble breathing. In fact, it was getting worse. He was now having trouble standing as well, and leaned against Alexander’s desk behind him.

 

This was the first Alexander took note of his roommate’s difficulty.

 

“John?” He asked carefully.

 

John met his eyes, but said nothing.

 

There was a guarded look in his eyes, and Alexander had no clue what was going through his friend’s head.

 

After a few moments of John trying to steady himself, Alexander took a step toward him.

 

John shook his head. He didn’t want to talk, and he didn’t like the idea of being touched either.

 

“I’m fine.” He managed, looking down at the ground.

 

Alexander stepped back to where he had been. He tried to hide how much that bothered him, folding his hands together in front of him.

 

John raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

 

Silence fell over the two again.

 

Alexander considered saying something, but feared if he started talking he wouldn’t be able to stop talking, and that wouldn’t help him much.

 

He also considered leaving without saying a word, just slipping out the door, but he wasn’t sure if that was what John wanted.

 

In the end, that was what it came down to; what  _ John _ wanted. Alexander felt he’d made it pretty clear what he wanted, but the missing piece was what his best friend wanted. Or more, what he needed.

 

“Alexander…” John jarred Alex from his thoughts. 

 

He didn’t open his eyes or take his hand off the bridge of his nose, but he shook his head again.

 

Even just hearing his name, the way John breathed it like the most complicated concept he’d heard of, erased Alexander’s thoughts of taking off.

 

“John,” Alex responded, watching his friend carefully.

 

John had a million things he wanted to say, a million things he thought about saying, and a million things he didn’t say.

 

Instead, he looked up to meet Alexander’s eyes, and saw something he’d maybe never seen before there; worry.

 

Not to say that Alexander was apathetic, or that he only cared about himself, but he was usually so confident, took everything in stride, never missed a beat. Now, though, he looked so small and uncertain.

 

John almost might have laughed at the sight, had he not had other things on his mind.

 

Instead, he let out a breath. “I’m sorry, that, I reacted the way I did. I don’t want… I could _ never _ want, to not be friends with you, but…” He didn’t know how to explain this.

 

How do you tell someone, who has never once been told by anyone that he respects that something is wrong, that that very same thing, is wrong?

 

Maybe not  _ is _ but  _ feels _ . It  _ felt _ wrong, it felt… Sinful.

 

And that wouldn’t be something Alexander could understand. 

 

Alexander, though, was sure he understood pretty clearly; John was straight.

 

Alex wasn’t by any means  _ atheist, _ but he believed that people were put in this world to build it, to leave a mark.

 

John didn’t consider himself, in any way, a religious person. He believed in God, he believed in Jesus, but he certainly didn’t go to church or attend any sort of events based on it.

 

This, though, he felt in his heart wasn’t okay. It wasn’t something he could be okay with.

 

He just needed to… Say that. He dropped his gaze to the floor again.

 

“I don’t… I  _ can’t _ , want anything more than that.” He really didn’t want to say more than that. He already felt like a douche  _ thinking _ it,  _ saying _ it would make him feel terrible.

 

Alexander frowned. “You can’t? What does that mean?” He asked.

 

John shook his head. “Alexander, you couldn’t  _ possibly _ understand-”

 

“Try me.” John met Alex’s eyes, expecting to see the same harsh uncertainty he’d seen in Gilbert’s, but saw something else.

 

He saw determination, a need to understand, and to be able to act. Of course.

 

John sighed. “You know I grew up, super strict religious, my dad…” He cleared his throat. “My dad was very,  _ very _ vehemently against, the LGBT plus community,” 

 

Alexander was pretty sure he knew where this was going, but tried to keep an expressionless face.

 

John dropped his gaze again. “When… When we kissed last night… It felt - well, it felt  _ amazing, _ but then it felt… Wrong.” Guilt welled in his chest. He knew that this was going to be horrible for his friend to hear, even if he only wanted to remain friends. “It felt… Sinful. And - and before you go off on your - on your thing, just hear me out. I’m not trying to say, by any means, that I agree with my father, but - what if - what if, to some extent, people like him are right? I - it sure as hell  _ feels _  like it, and I don’t… I don’t… I can’t…”  _ I can’t love you. _

 

The words hung over him, and he shook his head. 

 

“I can’t be more than friends. I can’t  _ want _ to be more than friends.” He didn’t dare meet Alexander’s eyes, almost afraid of what he might see on his friend’s face.

 

“John,” Alexander’s tone alone was enough to make John brace himself; he sounded distraught, almost like he pitied John. “You have to get past that. Everyone has that feeling -  _ especially _ if you were raised in the church, it’s an influence that was rooted in the way you were raised, but it’s not right - you  _ know _ that.”

 

“I don’t know jack  _ shit, _ Alex! That’s what I’m trying to say.” He shook his head. “I know the bible. I know what it says. I  _ know _ it doesn’t really say anything that is definitely specific to that, but you know where knowledge is?” He pointed dramatically to his temple, meeting Alexander’s eyes and standing straight so he wasn’t leaning on the desk. “Knowledge is in your brain. I’m trying to tell you, it  _ feels _ wrong. You know where feelings are?” He pointed to his chest. “In your heart. Not your brain. And I’m not being literal so don’t get technical on me. I  _ know _ it’s not wrong, but I  _ feel _ like it is.”

 

Alexander was shaking his head. “John, that’s coming from your father. From being raised in the church. From being told from the day you were born that there is a way things are, and a way they should be. From being taught things from a book written by people thousands of years ago-”

 

“Whoa whoa whoa,” John cut him off. “Discredit my dad all you want, if you have to shit on the church - fine, but the actual  _ bible _ ? Alex, are you trying to tell me not to trust the  _ bible _ ?”

 

Alexander was frowning. “I’m saying it was written by  _ people _ . It wasn’t written by God.” 

 

John shook his head in disbelief. “It was written by God’s prophets though,”

 

Alexander chewed his lip. “If they’re anything like the church today, I wouldn’t say they’ve got actual redemption versus damnation as the highest thing on their syllabus.”

 

John gaped. “Are you  _ kidding _ ? Now you’re trying to say the whole church is corrupt, that - that - that they’re intentionally lying?”

 

Alexander just shrugged. He didn’t deny it.

 

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Maybe you were right, maybe we shouldn’t be friends, at least for a while.” John mused.

 

That idea brought Alexander back down to reality. “If that’s what you want.” He had some residual annoyance left, and it seeped in to his tone.

 

John clenched his jaw. 

  
The two stood there a moment longer, before John shook his head. “You’re fucking ridiculous.” He pushed past his friend, and out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say again for the people in the back,, I'm so very sorry.
> 
> I'm working on something else for this verse, and hopefully will have the first chapter of that done within a reasonable amount of time to the last chapter of this (24)
> 
> Come scream at me on tumblr? @strangest-of-things


	23. Acknowledgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is fuming from that conversation, but maybe feeling a bit guilty too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING FOR SLIGHT HOMOPHOBIA*
> 
> How many times can I say I'm sorry? 
> 
> Not enough.
> 
> Keep EVERYTHING inside the vehicle at all times, grip the safety bar firmly with both hands, secure your harness, and enjoy this bumpy ride because this is the second to last chapter.

John wasn’t just upset and confused anymore. No, now, he was upset,  _ more _ confused, and pissed.

 

He didn’t knock on Hercules and Gilbert’s dorm, since he was becoming a regular member of their dwelling at this point, he just walked in.

 

“Oh, my,  _ God _ , you would not believe the  _ nerve _ ,” John fumed, and was glad to find Gilbert listening intently. 

 

“Uh oh.” Gilbert stood from the couch. “I’m guessing you guys didn’t make up?” 

 

John clenched his jaw. “To question the church is one thing, to question  _ people _ is one thing, but the actual...” He figured his frustrations were lost on Gilbert, who was not religious at all.

 

So John just shook his head. 

 

“No, we didn’t.” He was coming down from his initial anger, and wondering if he’d reacted too strongly; he knew Alexander wasn’t religious, and to anyone who wasn’t, that might be the way they saw it.

 

But still, Alexander had basically said that the church was evil.

 

That was something John couldn’t look past, and he was hoping for an apology.

 

Maybe if he apologized, they could be alright. John just wished he could make Alex understand, but he knew he never could; no one who didn’t grow up in the church would understand.

 

In fact, even John thought it was messed up, how would someone who was actually not straight feel about it?

 

Someone who was not straight.

 

Entailing, Gilbert. And Hercules. And Alexander.

 

In that moment, John realized he may have cast Alexander a higher insult than he could even understand.

 

And now he was torn. He was still pissed, obviously, but what if Alexander had been speaking defensively? What if he had been genuinely shaken by what John had said?

 

How many times can you go back and forth between being mad at someone and being worried about them in one day?

 

John plopped down on the couch with this new insight rolling around in his head.

* * *

 

Gilbert, who had been watching silently, quirked up an eyebrow, as he sat next to his friend. “What happened now?”

 

John huffed, dropping his head, face first, onto Gilbert’s shoulder.

 

Muffled, he whined, “Could we just go back to highschool, when we were all fucking around worried about, student body president, and not having a date to prom? Adult problems are hard.” He decided.

 

Gilbert pressed his lips together. “ _ Mon cher _ , I'm afraid I can't offer insight without knowing what you're talking about. What happened?” he pressed.

 

John sat up, taking a breath. “I was, honest, about my doubts, and Alexander was more honest, about a view I didn't know he had.” John really didn't want to say what it was  _ he _ had been honest about.

 

Gilbert made a face. “Oh, thank you, for that detailed recap. I understand completely.” 

 

John rolled his eyes at his friends sarcasm. “Good.”

 

Now it was Gilbert's turn to roll his eyes. “Okay, fine. Don't tell me. But is it something you guys are going to get past?” he pressed.

 

John frowned. “I don't know. It's… I'm not…” he didn't know how to explain it without saying exactly what he didn't want to say. 

 

So the two sat there in silence, Gilbert waiting expectantly for John to say something he'd really rather not. 

 

Luckily, John was saved when Hercules walked in. 

 

He noticed John on the couch and raised an eyebrow at the two. 

 

Then he glanced at the window, which revealed pouring rain. “Where's Alex?” He asked.

 

John scoffed. “Probably at the dorm, stewing in his self righteous, opinionated views on life.”

 

Hercules pressed his lips together. “I take it you two didn't make up?” he sat on John's other side. 

 

John shook his head. “No, in fact, I’m starting to think I’m at fault here…” He admitted.

 

Hercules perked an eyebrow at him. “Usually both parties are,” he speculated. “But how so? What happened?”

 

John shook his head. “We just… Argued. I don’t even know how to…”

 

Hercules frowned. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

 

John closed his eyes. “I tried to explain, to Alex, that I couldn't be okay with being in a relationship with him, even if I… considered him more than a friend.”

 

Gilbert was afraid he knew where this was going. A glance at Hercules told him he was thinking the same thing. “And why is that?”

 

John pressed his lips together, eyes squeezed tight as he prepared for the response to what he was about to say. “Because, I couldn't be okay with being in a relationship… with a boy.” he said slowly.

 

Hercules and Gilbert were watching him carefully. 

 

“Just because you're straight, or..?” Hercules was waiting for him to say that no way, it was totally just because he was straight.

 

Both roommates were waiting for him to deny what they were thinking.

 

And John was tempted to lie, to say that he could just never think of a boy that way, but the truth was he had, and he just really didn't want to admit it.

 

“Because it feels… wrong.” he really didn't know how else to explain it. He didn't honestly believe, in his mind, that it  _ was _ wrong, but deep inside him, buried under mere years of being away, was the good Christian boy, who listened to preachers talking about Satan tempting men with other men.

 

Silence had fallen over the three, and John was afraid to open his eyes.

 

He was afraid to confront the disappointed faces of his friends, two people he cared for deeply, knowing he'd caused the hurt that was surely showing.

 

He was afraid to face the anger that would eventually replace that disappointment.

 

So he kept his eyes shut tight, silently begging one of them to say something, clean cut, all cards on the table, and get it over with.

 

But the silence dragged on, and John could hear the analogue clock that matched his ticking away the seconds, possibly minutes, that felt like hours as the three sat in thought.

 

Finally, Gilbert spoke. His voice was even and measured. “Well, that is an obstacle.” he commented.

 

John slowly opened his eyes, to find Gilbert wasn't looking at him, but at Hercules.

 

“Look, I know exactly how that sounds, but I just mean… for me.” John hated this. He hated being unable to articulate his feelings, he hated not  _ understanding  _ his feelings.

 

And most of all, he hated hurting his friends.

 

Thunder rumbled outside the dorm, and John’s thoughts were drawn immediately back to Alexander.

 

“John,” Hercules started, but shook his head. “You  _ know _ better than this.” 

 

There it was. That disappointed tone that he anticipated. “I know! I just don't… I don't…” He couldn't find the words.

 

He didn't understand.

 

“John,  _ mon amour _ , if you are straight, that is fine, but don't… there is nothing  _ wrong  _ about you  _ not _ being so.” Gilberts tone was still measured and careful, like if someone said the wrong thing he would go off. 

 

John chewed his lip. Maybe that was it. Maybe he was just straight, and kissing Alexander, the feel of his soft lips, his warm hand on the back of John's neck, maybe it just felt wrong because John wasn't attracted to boys.

 

That he could live with.

 

He stood abruptly. “I have to go find Alex,” he informed them. “Bye.” he was out the door before either could react.

  
  


Alexander was not feeling great. He realized he hadn't eaten since the day before, and he had probably thrown up a good amount of that in his hungover state.

 

So he was munching on a protein bar from the gas station when he got a text.

 

**From: Roarens     3:06pm**

**We need to talk.**

 

**From: Roarens     3:07pm**

**Actually scratch that I need 2 talk, u need 2 listen**

 

**From: Roarens 3:07pm**

**If ur @ the dorm, stay there. If ur not get there.**

 

Alexander  _ was _ at the dorm, but he was tempted to take off.

 

Listening wasn't really his strong suit so much as talking.

 

But he waited, losing his appetite for the second half of the protein bar and shoving what was left of it in his pocket to pace, anxiously awaiting his roommate. 

 

John stopped outside the dorm, gathering his thoughts before he dare face what was behind that door.

 

Then he opened it, stepping inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE ALMOST THERE
> 
> ONE MORE CHAPTER GUYS
> 
> IT'S NOT I CAN'T I'M NOT READY
> 
> Cone cry with me over these ass wads on Tumblr, @strangest-of-things 
> 
> Also, comments make my life better! Leave some tears for these hurting smols


	24. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander is ready to hash everything out and face the truth, but how will John receive it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! The last chapter! I can't I'm not ready for it to be over
> 
> Go ahead and sit up straight for a full view as the ride draws to a close, and give your full thoughts down in the comments section.

“Alexander, don't you dare say a  _ word _ until I am finished talking.” he said harshly, as his roommate halted his pacing.

 

Alex gave a small nod of acknowledgement, and true to tale said nothing.

 

John took a breath. “I'm sorry, for…” Then he realized something, something he couldn't do anymore; he couldn't lie. To himself, to his friends, to Alex… “I'm sorry, for a lot of things, and… and you're my best friend, and I need… to sort myself out, for a bit. And I need to know you have my back.” he frowned.

 

Alexander was watching him carefully. 

 

“Can I talk now?” He asked, a hint of humor thrown in. 

 

John nodded.

 

“I always have your back, and I'm sorry that I don't share all of your views, but that doesn't change the fact that you’re  _ my _ best friend, and…”  _ And I love you.  _ There it was again. 

 

Those words hung thick in the air, and John was afraid he might start crying.

 

He sat down on Alexander's bed, and his roommate joined him.

 

“How did we get to this?” John asked, more to himself than his friend.

 

Alexander frowned. “To what? Being honest?” 

 

John made a face. “I guess.”

 

“Well, let's see, we've been best friends for all of what, nine years? Almost ten? I think we deserve a little honest reflection.” Alex decided.

 

John sighed. “I just wish everything wasn't so complicated.” He muttered.

 

Alexander frowned again. “It's not really. It's classic boy-likes-other-boy-but-other-boy-is-straight story. All the kids books nowadays have it.”

 

John pushed Alexander gently, a smile tugging at his lips. “Shut up.”

 

Alex chuckled though. “Make me.” He challenged.

 

John turned toward him, and met those deep brown eyes.

 

Alexander, in that moment, held such fondness in his gaze, like John was the person he cherished more than anything in the world.

 

And John understood that; he couldn't imagine his life without Alexander, without their sarcastic insults and friendly banter, without him worrying about how much his friend ate or slept, and Alex protesting every step of the way.

 

In fact, he even dared venture a little further into the hypothetical world, thinking of spending the rest of his life with Alexander in a very different way.

 

He thought about waking up to an unfamiliar cool feeling on the sheets beside him, convincing Alexander to rejoin him in bed.

 

He thought about stormy nights, holding Alexander in his arms and keeping him calm, helping him cope with his childhood trauma.

 

He thought about pressing gentle kisses to his neck, his cheeks, his lips…

 

He leaned forward and fulfilled a moment of fantasy.

 

And for a moment, just a moment, it was equally as splendid as he imagined it.

 

Then came the guilt.

 

He pulled back, hearing a moan of disappointment from his roommate.

 

John looked down at the floor. “I…” He didn't have words.

 

After a moment, he felt a tentative hand on his chin, encouraging him to meet sad brown eyes.

 

“John, slap me if I'm wrong because if I am I'm the most narcissistic douche to ever walk the earth, but if you want this, and I think you do, you have to be true to yourself, and love you for you.” He insisted. “Because until you can be okay with this, it's going to hurt you. And that's not something that's alright.”

 

John did feel tears pricking at his eyes now.

 

He loo ked back down, blinking back the tears. Why couldn't this be simple? He  _ did _ want this. He couldn't deny it anymore; he wanted to be with Alexander, but there was this nagging guilt in his gut.

 

“It could take days, months, even years, to learn to accept yourself as you are, if that's what's going on, but you have all the time in the world.” He put a hand on John's back. “ _ We _ have all the time in the world.”

 

“Oh shove it.” John muttered, sniffling.

 

A smile was on his lips though, and it was infectious.

 

Alexander placed a hand on John's jaw, and pressed a firm kiss to his lips.

 

John returned, though he had no clue what he was doing; he had only had one kiss before and it was in high school, during a game if spin the bottle.

 

Alexander tried to deepen the kiss, but John pulled back. 

 

“I'm all gross and cry-ey.” He objected, sniffling as if to prove a point.

 

Alexander smiled softly. “I love you.” He hadn't meant the words to slip out, and John could see it on his face a moment later. “I-I mean, you know, like, we're best friends, of course I do, it's -whatever, I mean-” 

 

John cut him off with a laugh. “I know.” He smiled, standing . “I'm gonna go wash up, but I'll be back in a minute.” He gave Alexander an amused look. “Don't go anywhere.”

 

Alex shook his head. “I always thought I'd be Han.” 

 

John stuck out his tongue, before disappearing into the bathroom.

  
  


When he came back, Alexander was waiting with a soft smile on his lips.

 

John sat back down beside him, and let out a breath.

 

“So, what now?” John asked.

 

Alex gave him a smirk. “I can think of a few things-”

 

John shoved him. “That's not what I meant. I mean, more permanently.”

 

Alexander's smile faltered. “Are you okay with… Us?” He wasn't sure how else to put it.

 

John thought for a moment. “I think so.” He met Alexander's eyes. “And if I'm not, I will be.” 

 

Alex gave a relieved smile. “Then I think I'll have to take you out on a date. John Laurens, will you get dinner with me in a very non-platonic way, tomorrow night?” 

 

John hummed. “Well, how's this for an answer?” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Alexander's.

 

This time, when Alex tried to deepen the kiss, John didn't resist or pull back.

  
And the evening carried on from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured y'all lovely souls deserved a fluffy ending.
> 
> Props I'd you understood that star wars reference bc it was kinda a hard read :) 
> 
> Well, this concludes our little adventure, I know some of you have been here a long while, and I hope you've had fun.
> 
> There will be another fic uo in this verse, but it's not about John and Alex, but about another otp of mine


End file.
